Older Men, Younger Women: Will It Work?

Older Men, Younger Women: Will It Work?
WebMD Feature

Dec. 11, 2000 -- When Tamara Latorre met her boyfriend, she was 32 and he was 43. That is, he said he was 43. They met online, so how could she know for sure? After their first rendezvous in person, he confessed: he was 52. The 20-year age difference between them didn't trouble her. She'd already fallen for him.

Three years later, they're happily living together on a four-acre horse farm in southeastern Massachusetts. The age difference doesn't show up when they're riding horses or racing down the slopes on a ski vacation. The gap appears when they talk about their future.

Eager to get the education she missed when she was younger, Latorre is enrolled full-time in college and plans to go to law school as well. A mother of four -- her oldest is 12 -- she is preparing to launch a career for the first time. Her boyfriend, meanwhile, is on the downside of his working life. Until he got divorced recently and his expenses went up, he thought that at this point in his life, he would be retired from his work as a dentist. Now his goal is to retire as soon as he can. He's got three kids: one in college, one about to start college, and one who is 10 years old.

When Latorre spends her evenings studying, he sometimes complains that she's ignoring him, she says. "I tell him I'm doing this so you can retire and I'll be able to earn money for us," she says. They've worked out a compromise. She studies only on weeknights and he often joins her. "I read him philosophy and he helps me figure out what the heck they're talking about."

The May-December story

While no statistics are readily available, older man-younger woman couples have long existed and may be becoming more prevalent and more socially acceptable. In certain Hollywood and corporate circles, especially among financially successful men, the practice is so common that these younger women, usually second wives, have been given the disparaging nickname of "trophy wives."

Medical advancements are helping this merger of the generations become more realistic than ever. Erectile enhancing drugs such as Viagra have allowed many older men to continue an active sex life. At the same time, new fertility treatments have extended the childbearing years for women, making possible families like that of author Saul Bellow, who became a father at age 85 this year when his 44-year-old wife gave birth.

"The concept of what age means in our society is changing very rapidly," says Ian Alger, MD, clinical professor of psychiatry at Weill Medical College of Cornell University. With many men rejecting the idea that they should retire at age 65, older men are discovering they feel vigorous enough to mate and even to start new families, he says. The Internet has been a rich meeting ground, since it lets people communicate without revealing their ages. "It brings everybody into the marketplace of life," he says.

Sometimes, people aren't even looking for the right partner online; it just happens. When Tamara Latorre first started chatting online with her now-boyfriend, she says she paid no attention to age. "I had absolutely no expectations of meeting him."

The challenge of May-December

While these pairings can bring great joy, they often carry unique challenges, experts say. First among them is that the average life expectancy for men is now 73.6 years, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, compared to a life expectancy for women of 79.4 years. An age difference of 15 or 20 or 35 years early in life may seem insignificant, but over time the age gap can mean that the younger woman is nursing an ill or dying husband just when she's in midlife and eager to be active. "We're dealing with two people in different stages of the life cycle," says Harvey Rubin, MD, clinical professor of psychiatry and director of continuing education at the Yale School of Medicine.

Trying to merge these cycles may involve reconciling to the fact that the woman will be left to raise a child by herself. One couple Rubin saw in private practice met when she was in her early 20s and he was in his late 50s, a dashing and successful businessman and musician. "She promised him she'd never want children," reports Rubin. "Well, he became a father at 82." Because of heart trouble, he's not able to help much with the child, who is now 3. "Their marital relationship is really nil," says Rubin. "He's been ill and needs her help."

The stability factor

Despite the problems the age difference can bring, the gap often does have perks for the younger partner, including financial stability. While a younger woman may end up being the caretaker of her older husband, the relationship may have begun with the premise that an older, more financially successful man will provide status, safety, and security for a young woman.

Christopher Zuckowski, 48, a federal employee in Maryland, has no problem with this. He clearly states that, in addition to love, what he offers is stability for his 22-year-old fiancée and her two children. "My primary goal is that she and her kids have a good life," he says. Much of this stability comes from the fact that he is old enough to be established in his career.

The intolerance factor

While couples often work out the age gap, their families and friends may still not be very accepting. Zuckowski's age is a problem, for instance, with his soon-to-be in-laws: he's older than they are. The three have not yet met, although the couple is engaged.

Tamara Latorre also has been on the receiving end of social disapproval. When she and her boyfriend are at the movie theater, they often run into couples who knew him when he was married. Some of these couples are friendly to her, while others clearly disapprove.

"The husband walks over and the wife stands there glaring," says Latorre.

Working it out

While these social snubs can be painful, they often can be shrugged off. More difficult are conflicts at home. Younger women may expect their mate to be their best friend, while older men may not be up to the psychological task, says Charles D. Hill, PhD, professor of psychology at Whittier College in Southern California. In lieu of verbal intimacy, sex may be a couple's bond, but with age and illness, the man's sexual performance may suffer, he says. It is imperative that the couple find other means of sexual pleasure and other common interests as well, he says.

At its best, the end of life can be another path for intimacy. The couple accept that part of the deal of being of different generations is caring for each other, come what may. Some couples rise to the challenge and experience new intimacy. "Life brings its ups and downs," says Ian Alger at Cornell University. "Many people shoulder this burden and are partners for better or for worse."

These are the partners who have truly bridged the two or three decade gap in ages -- and met in the middle.

Jane Meredith Adams has been a staff writer for The Boston Globe and has written for numerous other publications. She is based in San Francisco.

Sexual Foreplay: What’s in It for Men?

Sexual foreplay means more sex. And that’s something any guy can get into
By Sean Elder
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Sheldon Marks, MD

Dates that end with lovemaking often begin with dining out, so that the meal itself can be seen as a form of sexual foreplay -- in more ways than one. How many times has this happened to you: You take your woman out to dinner at a nice restaurant. The waiter takes your drink orders and tells you of the specials, a busboy brings you a choice of savory breads, and you get down to the business of perusing the menu. Your eye is on the right side of the page -- steak? lobster? steak and lobster? -- when your date announces, “I think I’ll just have a salad and a couple of appetizers.”
At this juncture you might say something like, “Are you crazy? You’ll be starving later!” But she insists she knows her appetite and enough of those little things make, for her, a full and satisfying meal.

So it is with sexual foreplay. A lot of men don’t think they’ve had sex unless they have had full-on sexual intercourse -- the meat and potatoes of many men’s sex lives, if not the steak and lobster. Skeptical as they are of the nourishment value of the proverbial small plates, they tend to rush toward the entrée and insist they’re not really dining otherwise. They don’t see the value of sexual foreplay in lovemaking -- the well-placed nibble and stroke, the suckle and bite -- even if that is what women often want.

Or at least that’s what they say about us. “It kind of depends how much these people read,” Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and board-certified sex therapist in Fair Oaks, Calif., says of men’s attitudes about lovemaking and sexual foreplay. “If they are at all readers, they are likely to have come across the idea someplace that most women enjoy the idea of foreplay.”

Why Men Have a Fear of Foreplay

If you missed that article in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, you are not alone. A sensitive, well-read man may indeed have encountered this notion of sexual pleasure, but most of us have probably filed it under Forget. “I think it’s fair to say men are still afraid of women’s bodies,” says Mark Epstein, MD, a psychiatrist in private practice in Manhattan and author of Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life. “Exploration of female sexuality is still something that can be perfected.”

And some of us are working on perfecting it, even if it’s just with one woman. But why the fear of sexual foreplay? “Most men are hung up on the fear of losing their erection,” says Epstein. “It dominates their mind during the act of sex. They’re really preoccupied with themselves, or they are in some kind of dance with themselves.”

Based on her own practice, as well as her experience as author of the Sexual Health: Sex Matters blog, Weston concurs. “If men have a worry about losing an erection, they tend to sometimes rush to insert for intercourse,” she says. “They can skip over foreplay or make it extremely brief because they’re just thinking about maintaining that erection above all else.” It is as though the act of sex is a performance and they will be judged on the quality and longevity of their erection -- while the irony is that, if you please your woman in other ways, she does not care how hard you are and the imaginary American Idol judges vanish.

“The erection has its own cycles and some men are intolerant of that,” says Epstein. “That’s why they like Viagra: It takes that insecurity away.” Indeed, a lot of sex therapists approve of Viagra and its erectile dysfunction cousin, Levitra, as a sort of antianxiety drug. “It gets men over a certain kind of hump,” Epstein continues, while the more long-lasting Cialis precludes the quick-before-it-melts anxiety some men experience after popping Viagra.

How to Make Sexual Foreplay Work for You

Meaning that if you are worried about your erection electing to vanish, you can have your cake (or steak) and give her those appetizers too. “Some men have problems with rapid ejaculation,” says Weston, citing another oft-encountered reason for avoiding sexual foreplay. “Sometimes they’ll go for an early insert, if you will, then hope that there might be enough interest from their partner that there might be a round two later, and there might be some foreplay in between those two intercourse times.”

Does that make it interplay? Regardless, not all women want the same thing, as you may have read somewhere. Weston counseled one couple in which the woman wanted the wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am while her older mate (well-trained by earlier women, no doubt) liked to linger longer. She ultimately ended up leaving him, and for the women who may be reading this: No, I do not have his number.

“He was there going, ‘But what’s wrong with this?’” recalls Weston. “’Why not take our time?’ She kind of had a heat-of-the-moment erotic pattern, the way it is often portrayed in movies.”

Sexual Foreplay and Lovemaking: What’s Your Hurry?

Pop culture is surely another culprit. How many quickie sex scenes (on the train, in the bathroom, on the kitchen table?) have you seen in movies and cable shows? Too seldom do they show the women’s frustration afterwards; it would slow down the plot. But there is no downside to slowing down the storyline in your lovemaking. In fact, there may be fringe benefits in the foreseeable future.

“They’re missing out on the time they can spend having sex,” says Weston of the men who regularly forego sexual foreplay in order to cut straight to intercourse. “Unless they’re really short on time or sleep, it seems to me that the extra minutes are only a plus. They’re also probably missing out on goodwill coming from their partner.”
You can call that dessert.

Laughter and Sex Connection

Why Do We Laugh?
By Linda Lewis | Published 09/12/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Whether you snort, cackle, chortle, or have a wild, weird little giggle, you have a "laugh print," a personal signature that's too, too you.

Laughter is so basic to humans, we barely notice it -- unless it totally pleases or absolutely annoys us.

But laughter has power -- the power to energize the hum-drum, add levity to the everyday blah-blah-blah. Laughter carries such a social connection that it's a mating ritual, a way to bond. Studies suggest that laughter may boost our health.

Our all-too-human laughter sets us -- and our close cousins, the primates -- apart from all other species that roam our planet, says Robert R. Provine, PhD, a behavioral neurobiologist at the University of Maryland in Baltimore.
"Think about it the next time you walk through woods listening to the odd cries and calls of the creatures that live there: When you laugh, those creatures are hearing sounds that are just as odd and just as characteristic of our own species," he writes in his book, Laughter: A Scientific Investigation.

No Laughing Matter

Provine has spent a decade studying laughter. It's the best way to understand human behavior, he tells WebMD. "Laughter is a mechanism everyone has; laughter is part of universal human vocabulary. There are thousands of languages, hundreds of thousands of dialects, but everyone speaks laughter in pretty much the same way."
Everyone has the capacity to laugh. Children born deaf and blind are able to laugh. Babies laugh long before they acquire speech. Even apes have a form of "pant-pant-pant" laughter.

Laughter is primitive, an unconscious vocalization, Provine says. "In laughter we emit sounds and express emotions that come from deep within our biologic being -- grunts and cackles from our animal unconscious," he writes.

Do you seem to laugh more than others? It's likely genetic, he explains.
Consider this story: One set of "giggle twins," separated at birth, was not reunited until 40 years later.

"Until they met each other, neither of these exceptionally happy ladies had known anyone who laughed as much as she did," Provine reports. "Yet, both were reared by adoptive parents they described as undemonstrative and dour. These gleeful twins probably inherited some aspects of their laugh sound and pattern, readiness to laugh, and perhaps even taste in humor."

The Sex Connection

Because laughter is largely spontaneous and uncensored, it is a powerful probe into social relationships, writes Provine. Laughter can make people seem warm or authoritative, cooperative or ineffectual, or just plain obnoxious.

Tickling has long been the trigger that creates laughter, something even the ancients knew, says Provine. Tickling itself is an interesting phenomenon, he points out. When parents tickle an infant or a child, it's to evoke laughter.

In fact, tickling is much the same behavior as the rough-and-tumble play of apes. "Except when apes laugh, it's a pant-pant-pant kind of sound rather than ha-ha-ha," he points out.

Among adults, tickling is an important part of foreplay. "Mention tickling, and people may have an image of being held down by older brother. But they forget that tickling is also part of a rough and tumble in sack." Well, a gentler form of tickling certainly is, he clarifies.

Provine has studied male/female laughter patterns. In one series of "urban safaris," he set out to study humans in their natural habitat of shopping malls, city sidewalks, and the university student union -- documenting 1,200 laugh episodes.

His findings: Speakers laugh more than their audiences -- 46% more. The effect was even more striking when females were doing the talking. They laughed 126% more often than the guys they were talking to.

"Female speakers are enthusiastic laughers whoever their audience may be," writes Provine. "Male speakers are pickier, laughing more when conversing with their male friends than with an audience of females. The least amount of speaker laughter occurred when males were conversing with females."

The social aspect of laughing was striking, he says. People laughed about 30 times more when they were around others than when they were alone. Compare that to other social interactions: People smiled more than six times more and talked more than four times more in social than solitary situations.

Like small talk, laughter plays a somewhat similar role in social bonding, solidifying friendships and pulling people into the fold. You can define "friends" and "group members" as those with whom you laugh.

But what makes us guffaw? "Our study failed to discover The Mother of All Jokes or even her next of kin," he writes. "In fact, most laughter did not follow anything resembling a joke, storytelling, or other formal attempt at humor."

Most laughter is about playful relationships between people, he says. "Laughter is not about jokes. If you pay attention to everyday life, you laugh," he tells WebMD.

Laugh Yourself to Better Health?

Many claim that laughter carries health benefits, that it represents all the positive emotions that offset hostility -- which should have positive effects on the immune system.

Provine says he's more skeptical than most -- admitting that among health activists, he's as welcome as a skunk at a picnic. Most research is very limited, he says.
The idea that laughter is therapeutic was popularized by Norman Cousins in his 1976 article, published in The New England Journal of Medicine, and expanded into a book.
In it, Cousins describes his affliction with a painful and life-threatening degenerative disease (ankylosing spondylitis) and his successful self-treatment with vitamin C, the Marx Brothers, and episodes from the old television series Candid Camera.

It makes sense that laughter -- like any positive activity -- can affect overall health, Provine admits. But laughter is actually a very violent activity. "Laughter increases your heart rate, but would similar changes be produced by yelling or singing? There may be something unique to laughter, but that research hasn't been done yet."

Baby steps have been made to prove laughter's health benefits, says Margaret Stuber, PhD, professor of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences at UCLA. She also is co-director of the UCLA Jonsson Cancer Center's Rx Laughter, a nonprofit project dedicated to helping the ill via humor and to supporting more scientific research on laughter.

Stuber has found that when children watched funny videos -- while their hands were in ice water -- they could tolerate pain better, she reports. Why? Children who laughed more assessed the experience as less unpleasant. They also had lower levels of cortisol, the stress hormone.

Laughing-Impaired Can Get Help

Indeed, helping people change their view of life can lessen anxiety, reduce chronic stress -- adding laughter to their lives, she says.

Parents can teach their kids to see the funny side of life -- simply by seeing it themselves, Stuber says. Therapy can also help change the way you view life.

"We're starting to put puzzle pieces together, starting to see that people can be trained to see the funny side of things," she tells WebMD. "I think it's about learning to view situations as non-threatening or not embarrassing."

One study showed that people who are able to laugh -- rather than being embarrassed or angry in certain situations -- tend to have fewer heart attacks and better blood pressure, says Stuber. "When something happened, like a waiter spilling wine on their sleeve, those who laughed about it had less incidence of second heart attacks," she tells WebMD.

"There's more and more good research being done on the effects of laughter," Stuber says.

Once a psychotherapist, Stephan Wischerth now leads the New York City's Laughter Club. It's just what it sounds like: people get together to laugh, to lose their anxieties in contagious laughter. Among those who attend: someone with Stage 4 cancer, another person with a degenerative nerve disease, people who are really stressed out.

The contagious quality inherent in laughter -- that's what helps bolster them, he says.

"Laughing makes people laugh," Wischerth tells WebMD. "I find that we really have lot of laughs just frozen inside our chest, just dying to get out. I give people permission to laugh out loud, be silly, get rid of stress. They discover for themselves how to take life a little less seriously. People feel like they're constantly under barrage. Why not joke about it?"

Even "forced laughter" gets people to crack up, says Kim McIntyre, another Laughter Club leader at the Getting Well Campus in Orlando. As part of a mind/body/wellness program, McIntyre's efforts stimulate the inner child that too often gets lost as we age.

"Ninety percent of the time, when we start out with forced laughter, people start laughing," she tells WebMD. "Pretty soon, there's an overwhelming amount of genuine laughter. Your ear hears it and you start laughing."

How To Break Up Gracefully

How to Break Up Gracefully
By Linda Lewis | Published 10/30/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Just about all of us have heard -- or even said -- this line as a way of ending a romantic relationship. The problem is that it often leaves the dumpee thinking the exact opposite.

But is there really a way to make a clean and honest break? Is it ever OK to lie when ending a romantic relationship? Can you IM him or her that it's over, or do you have to do it in person? Is it really possible to be friends with your ex after a breakup?
WebMD went to the experts to get the best breakup advice ever. Read this before you even think of uttering another clichéd breakup line or texting the bad news to your soon-to-be ex.

All Relationships Are Not Created Equal

"The nature of how to handle a breakup has to do with how you experience a relationship," says New York City-based psychoanalyst and psychotherapist Janice Lieberman, PhD, who specializes in relationship issues.

For starters, she says, not every relationship deserves a dramatic breakup. There are no hard and fast rules about what constitutes a relationship. "There are people who think they have a relationship with two dates and people who don't think they are in a relationship after 20 dates," she says. "If you have gone on one or two or three dates, not calling is breaking up, but after some kind of romantic and sexual encounters, it is a courtesy to call," Lieberman tells WebMD.

"Sometimes it's easier not to call, and there are people who will just run away," she admits.

The explosion of Internet dating has also muddied the waters in terms of when an actual breakup is necessary, she says.

"People have Internet relations for a long time and then elevate to phone calls. Sometimes it takes a long time for a face-to-face encounter. This can be problematic, because people get very involved with each other and then when they finally meet, there are so many other cues that indicate they’re not suited for one another," she says.

The warning signs that a breakup is imminent have also changed thanks to Internet dating, Lieberman says.

"People will go out with someone they met on Jdate.com or match.com, and then you can see if they are surfing the Net and looking for someone else," she says. This is far less subtle than, say, acting cold on a date or not calling when you said you would.

Don't Break Up Over Email

The tabloids widely reported that pop star Britney Spears broke up with her now-ex-husband Kevin Federline via a text message. But text messages, emails, or other high-tech message delivery systems are not the best medium for ending a romantic relationship.

Social networking sites, including MySpace and Facebook, allow users to post comments on one another's pages, but they should never be used to end a romantic relationship. Nor should web sites like Breakup Butler, which delivers several types of prerecorded breakup messages ranging from let-them-down-easy to downright mean.

"If it's a casual encounter, a text message is OK. But to my mind, it's better to call and speak or go out to dinner," Lieberman says.

"The news of a breakup should never be broken over text or email," says Alison Arnold, PhD, a therapist in Phoenix who is also known as 'Doc Ali,' the life coach on the VH1 series Scott Baio Is 45 ... and Single. "Texting a breakup is the coward's way out," she says.

Stick to the Relationship Facts

"Face-to-face or phone contact is a must," Arnold says. "It's important to give the person with whom you are ending the relationship the chance to ask questions and feel the sentiment underneath the words."

Be as direct and honest as you can, she advises. "Don't engage in tit-for-tat arguments. Stick to the facts: 'It's not working, it's no one's fault, we need to make a change.’"

Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

Whether or not two people can remain friends after a breakup depends on the two people and their feelings about the end of the relationship.

"If someone is very much in love -- and [then] broken up with-- and forever trying to get back with that person, then having a platonic relationship does not work," Lieberman says. "If you are still in love with the person and want them back, the best thing to do is go cold turkey."

While many a jilted lover claims to seek closure by going back just one more time after a breakup, such closure is a "fantasy or a hope," Lieberman says.
"If in your heart of hearts you really want to get back together, the best thing to do if the other person is not into it is to get out of it," she says.

Arnold agrees. "Do take at least eight weeks with no contact. No phone. No 'let's get together for coffee.' No nothing," she says. "You need time to detox and get in touch with yourself again."

Talking every day as "friends" is also a no-no. "That just keeps the wounds and hope open and working," Arnold says. "Don't keep calling to 'check in,' hear how his or her day was, or if the dog ate his dinner. Cut the cord in all ways."

Another no-no? Breakup sex, she says.

Prescription for Healing After the Relationship Ends

"Do learn from each relationship," Arnold says. "Write down five things you appreciated about this relationship that you would like to have in the next one, and five things you would not like to create next time."

Instead of stalking your ex or making up excuses to call or see him or her, "keep yourself busy with new activities, old friends, and healthy distractions," Arnold says.

"Don't get right into a new relationship, she advises. "Don't medicate your sadness with a new person. It isn't fair to either of you."

Dad's Impact on Your Career

Dad's Impact on Your Career
By Linda Lewis | Published 07/11/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

As yet, there's no such thing as "Take Your Dad to Work Day." But a psychologist maintains that most of us -- consciously or unconsciously -- bring our fathers into the workplace every day. Who's behind your need to (pick one): please the boss, find someone to blame, bark at subordinates, climb the ladder, or work harder than anyone else? Stephan B. Poulter, PhD, says it's Dad.

He spells it out in his book The Father Factor: How Your Father's Legacy Impacts Your Career. WebMD talked with Poulter, a former police officer who for 24 years has been a clinical psychologist specializing in family relationships, and two other experts about the influence fathers have on careers.

Understanding the Five Fathering Styles

Much is known about a mother's role in shaping offspring, but Poulter believes that fathers provide the model for workplace behavior. "Dad's rule book" -- the spoken and unspoken rules about work ethic, relationships, ethics, and money -- gets internalized. It may foster positive behaviors, such as a strong work ethic, but often sets up career roadblocks.

The legacy comes from the "father factor," or the type of fathering a son or daughter receives. While dads can exhibit a combination of styles, Poulter says one will dominate. He categorizes these styles as Superachiever, Time Bomb, Passive, Absent, and Compassionate/Mentor.

• Superachiever. Looking good and winning is the mantra of the Superachiever, whose legacy is shame. Their children become their own toughest critics. They expend tremendous energy hiding weaknesses, can't share their insecurities with anyone, and feel they are phonies. Poulter has a five-step strategy for becoming a "balanced achiever," at the heart of which is a lot of self-nurturing.

• Time Bomb. With a dad who explodes unpredictably, a kid learns that keeping Dad happy is goal No. 1. As an adult in the workplace, the child may be skilled at reading others' behavior but has difficulty dealing with conflict out of an insecure need to please. The first step in changing this behavior is to recognize the problem and change limiting thoughts, such as "If I'm not always nice, people won't like me."

• Passive. More than 50% of baby boomers are products of passive fathering. Such dads act more as observers than participants in their families. Emotionally they neglect the children, who respond with self-neglect and ultimately depressiondepression. Two career roadblocks loom: lack of motivation and fear of failure. Gaining insight, taking charge, and changing the internalized father factor are keys to personal and career satisfaction.

• Absent. When a father is physically or emotionally absent, it gets translated into rejection. "Kids are wired for both parents to love them," says Poulter, who describes his own father as emotionally distant. Poulter tells WebMD that absent fathers are the glue that holds juvenile gangs together, and he believes they're also responsible for widespread depression among Generation X. In the workplace, the child may have problems with authority figures, especially male bosses, and direct anger toward co-workers. Poulter offers action steps for healing the anger, which include recognizing that the absent father's legacy carries positive as well as negative influence.

• Compassionate/Mentor. This is the poster dad for effective parentingparenting -- usually someone else's dad. He doesn't drag around resentments or unfulfilled dreams. Poulter lists 10 characteristics of the Compassionate/Mentor dad that less enlightened men can learn to emulate in the workplace. These include "allowing flexibility, forgiveness, and compassion to influence management style, co-worker relations, and client relations," and "reaching a balance of assertiveness between the extremes of aggression and passivity."

Poulter has a number of checklists and exercises for recognizing and moving beyond career roadblocks. "People think they can't go beyond their legacy, but the goal of this book is to get the adult to move in the direction they've always wanted in their career, life, finances, and relationships."

Another Point of View

Brian A. Schwartz, PhD, is a psychologist who applies a psychohistorical approach to career planning. Having counseled more than 1,700 clients, he says almost all of them fail to understand how their fathers influenced their career success, failure, or satisfaction. But he believes mothers also play an important role in their offspring's workplace behavior, especially with their daughters.

"Parental influence carries a lot of weight," he tells WebMD. "The boss and co-workers become stand-ins for the family. People rise to the level of success that their self-esteem can absorb, and the roots of self-esteem are a reflection of our parents. People can be very talented, but if they don't have self-esteem, they either don't achieve or they achieve and sabotage themselves."

Regarding Dad's role, he believes the emotionally absent father does the most damage. "Emotionally, the children keep going back to a well that is empty."

But, he says additional factors, such as birth order, family dynamics, and a child's personality type, help explain the very different career levels and workplace behaviors found among siblings, something Poulter's book does not account for.

Schwartz, who is writing a book entitled Career DNA, believes that to move beyond the parental legacy requires dealing with the issues. "When men and women take the courage to have a genuine conversation with their father or mother, they find themselves released and able to go on with their lives. There's no guarantee that the parent will respond in a constructive way, but it gives them emotional lubrication to move on."

When Dad Owns Your Workplace

If Dad can affect your career even though he's miles away and has never set foot in your cubicle, imagine what it's like to work in the company Dad owns. It's like throwing the father-child dynamic in a pressure cooker. (Stir in Mom and some siblings for a really interesting mix.)

In her position as senior associate with Family Business Consulting Group, Amy Schuman lives in Chicago and travels around the country to consult with family businesses and has an opportunity to observe the roles various family members play.
"The founder of a family business has to be pretty entrepreneurial to be successful. They're usually dominant, very directive, and fast-paced. They're not very facilitative and not good developers of others."

She tells WebMD that in businesses that pass through generations, there's often a pattern of a strong founder, weak son, strong grandson, etc. "You'll hear families say the grandson is so much like the grandfather. That's because the son has to learn to accommodate the founder of the business, and the grandson can show the same spark as the founder if Dad isn't threatened."

Like Schwartz, she says siblings grow up to be very different from one another in spite of having the same father. "Siblings are the most diverse group in terms of style. It might be two who are opposite, or four who go different directions. Then the siblings have to find a way to manage that and deal with sibling rivalry if they're going to own the business."

When Dad dies, one of two things typically happens. "His ghost might hover over the business, but, I almost hate to say it, sometimes it liberates the kids so they can fully express themselves and their vision."

She explains that becoming an adult requires separating from parents, but that if kids differentiate too much in a family business, it can threaten Dad and the unity of the family. "If kids have to pay the price of their own individual identity in order to be part of a family business, it's very damaging. But if they can manage to differentiate, it's tremendous."

Going to Work Without Dad

Poulter is optimistic that adults can move beyond the father factor to realize personal and career satisfaction. He ends his book with "Seven Steps to Success":

1. Make a commitment to change.
2. Improve your self-awareness.
3. Identify your triggers.
4. Don't allow your mistakes or career setbacks to derail your commitment to change.
5. Be aware of old, familiar father factor habits.
6. Get a support system in place.
7. Determine what success looks like, and set your goals for achieving it.

Rich People Die Differently

Rich People Die Differently
By Linda Lewis | Published 07/14/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Rich people not only live differently than the rest of us, but a new study suggests that they die differently, too.
Researchers found older men and women who had a net worth of $70,000 or more were a third less likely than poorer people to have been in pain frequently in the year before they died.

Not only did wealthier seniors feel less pain at the end of their lives, the wealthiest of the bunch also were less likely to suffer from common symptoms, such as depression or shortness of breath.

But regardless of wealth, researchers say the study shows that older Americans carry an unacceptable burden of pain and suffering in their last year of life.

"The older adults we studied who lived in the community suffered as much in their last year of life as do younger people who are severely ill and hospitalized," states researcher Maria Silveira, MD, MPH, assistant professor of general medicine at the University of Michigan Medical School, in a news release.

Differences at Death

In the study, researchers examined the prevalence of common symptoms, such as pain, fatigue, and depression, in the last year of life in a group of 2,604 men and women aged 70 or older who died between 1993 and 2000.

The participants were members of a health and retirement study and researchers interviewed surviving spouses or others to learn about their last months of life and the circumstances of their death.

The results showed that about half of the participants suffered from pain, fatigue, or depression as they approached death, and more than half suffered from at least three symptoms. Among those who reported pain in the last year of life, 59% reported it was severe.

Researchers found that reports of pain symptoms were significantly related to net worth. Older adults in the top quarter according to net worth were 33% less likely to suffer from pain at the end of life compared with those in the bottom quarter.

Those differences in pain during the last year of life persisted even after researchers took into account a person's age, sex, ethnicity, education, and existing medical conditions.

Researchers say older people with greater financial resources may express their symptoms more assertively and demand better care. Or they may have greater access to goods and services above and beyond what insurance pays for.

Other findings of the study include:

• People with cancer were more than twice as likely to experience pain and had 30% higher rates of depression.
• Older adults with dementia were 2.3 times more likely to be depressed in the last year of life and had 40% higher rates of fatigue.
• Pain in the last year of life was most common among those with cancer, lung disease, or heart disease.
• Depression was most common in people with some form of cognitive impairment, such as dementia or Alzheimer's disease.

Researchers say these results demonstrate a need for better symptom assessment for older adults at all levels of the health care system, including hospitals, clinics, and nursing homes.

"These are treatable symptoms and not an inevitable part of the dying process," says researcher Kenneth Langa, MD, PhD, assistant professor of general medicine at the University of Michigan Medical School, in the release.

The Changing Face of Fatherhood

The Changing Face of Fatherhood
By Rogger Miller | Published 08/16/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Joseph had a change of heart at age 55 and reversed his vasectomy in honor of his second wife's 30th birthday.

After being forced into early retirement at age 45, Leonard decided it was time to settle down and start the family he never had time for.

Determined not to make the same mistakes that he did with his first family, Jeff began anew with his third wife. Jeff just turned 60.
Devastated by the loss of their only son, Edward and his wife -- both in their late 40s -- decided to have more children.

For a whole host of reasons, a growing number of men are opting to become later-in-life fathers. They join the ranks of such famous older dads as David Letterman, Tony Randall, Larry King, Anthony Quinn, Woody Allen, Charlie Chaplin, Warren Beatty, Jack Nicholson, and Nobel Prize-winning author Saul Bellow.

The majority of children are still being born to men who are 20 to 34, but a December 2003 National Vital Statistics Report indicates that birthrates among fathers aged 35 to 49 increased slightly from 2001 to 2002. Between 1980 and 2002, the rate of births among fathers aged 40 to 44 went up 32%, and for fathers aged 45 to 49, 21%. For men 50 to 54, the increase was 9%.

This mirrors what New York City male fertility expert Marc Goldstein, MD, sees in his practice. "I am seeing more older men waiting longer to get married or who are divorced and remarried, [including] the CEOs who are discarding their last trophy wife for new ones," says Goldstein, a professor of reproductive medicine and urology at Weill Cornell Medical College and the surgeon-in-chief of male reproductive medicine and microsurgery at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center. Goldstein's oldest patient was 87.

Setting the Male Biological Clock

While much ado is made about women's fertility declining with advancing age, what about men?

Many men will have no problems conceiving a healthy child, but "there is quite a bit of evidence that advancing age can affect the DNA or genetic material in sperm," Goldstein says. This damage may start as early as age 35 and worsens with age. As a result, older men may father children who have higher rates of schizophrenia and/or Down syndrome, he says.

Additionally, older men may have lower sperm counts. "There is a gradual decrease in sperm, the quality is poorer, and sperm swim less vigorously, so the pregnancy takes longer to achieve," he says.

Still, "the majority of older men with healthy younger wives are able to get pregnant, and most of the time, the babies are normal," he says.

This even holds among men who have had vasectomies in the past and decide to reverse them. A recent study by Goldstein and colleagues found that vasectomy reversal is highly effective, even 15 years or more after the procedure. If a man had a vasectomy this year or 15 years ago, there was no difference in the pregnancy rate achieved following reversal.

That's not to say achieving a pregnancy and fathering a child aren't markedly easier for younger men. "If they decide they want kids, couples should do it sooner rather than later and have the man checked right from the beginning," he suggests. A semen analysis will assess sperm quality and count.

Are 50s the New 30s?

"I think there is a trend toward midlife fatherhood," says Terrence Real, founder of the Relational Recovery Institute in Cambridge, Mass., and author of several books on male emotional health.

"It's pretty clear that men in their 40s are significantly more interested in children than previous generations, and men are somewhat more interested in fatherhood from the 50s on up," Real says.

The reasons are many, he says.

"More men are engaged in second marriages, and there is often an age gap in a second marriage," he says. "If an older man takes a younger wife who does not have kids, there are very good odds he will have children."

In addition, baby boomers are revamping expectations about aging. "Men are thinking that they are in their prime at age 50," he says, adding, that "adolescence keeps getting extended, so it takes longer for men to settle down" as well.

Midlife Crisis?

Men spend decades on the conveyor belt, and now they are assessing where this conveyor belt has taken them, Real explains. If he was fairly successful, he may look around and think, "This is great, but I still feel like something important is missing."

Enter the allure of fatherhood.

"Men have woken up to the joy and enrichment of being fathers," he says.
A child is "a legacy and suggests that men have sewn their wild oats and are done running around," he says. "Fathering has hit the map, and the idea that you are really missing out without the fatherhood experience is not a myth, it's a reality."

Fueling this cultural phenomenon is a tremendous change in the positive imagery of men as fathers, including books and movies, Real explains. "Men being healed by fatherhood/fathering is depicted in several films, including Scent of a Woman, Man Without a Face, and Finding Forrester," he says.

"There are slews of films where a shut-down, reclusive, cynical man has his heart opened by a boy/child who needs him," real says. "The act of fathering can heal a damaged man."

Tick, Tick, Tick?

Midlife fatherhood "is an increasing trend," agrees Jed Diamond, founder and director of MenAlive, a men's health program, and author of several books.

"I've been seeing it more and more in friends, colleagues, and patients," he says.
Today, for a host of reasons including the economy, men are less likely to put so much of their sense of self and identity into their work, and more of them are looking to feel more connected to family and children, he says.

In addition, there had been the belief that men can have children forever, but andropause or male menopause indicates a decrease in testosterone, and there is a drop in fertility for men as well as for women, Diamond tells WebMD.

"Men are beginning to realize that ... 'if I really want children, this is the time to do it,'" he says. "Fertility decreases and men start having a greater sense of urgency."

Sugar Daddy?

A seismic shift in hormones also helps tip the scale in favor of fatherhood. "As men age, they also have a higher ratio of estrogen as testosterone wanes, so men become more "esty" -- meaning that they become more sensual, more involved in family," Diamond says.

"As a whole, I would say that men's desire for kids is less palpable then a women's desire," says New York City psychoanalyst and father Leon Hoffman, MD, director of the Pacella Parent Child Center. "Even women who never have children will find a substitute -- whether a niece or nephew or someone else -- where their maternal feelings will be played out."

Cutting a New Father Figure

Real says "one advantage is that later-in-life fatherhood is a very purposeful fatherhood, and this is a wanted child as opposed to younger men who may feel trapped by fatherhood."

But "the main roadblock to later-in-life fatherhood is physical health," Hoffman says.

"It's very different to have a baby running around when you are in the 20s and 30s and early 40s than when you are older," Hoffman tells WebMD. "The other part is that it does keep you feeling young, so for people with midlife crisis, having a child is certainly a way of rejuvenating life."

Mostly Hoffman has seen men marrying younger second wives who want to have kids and those who insist on doing it right this time. "They say, 'This time I am going to do it right,'" he says. "The danger is that they may become too controlling, or he may have been distant and working with his first set of kids and with second set, he doesn't work as hard, so is there all the time."