Older Woman/Younger Man Relationships

Almost one-third of women between ages 40 and 69 are dating younger men (defined as 10 or more years younger).
By Jean Lawrence
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

He was 27, she was 42. Those were the ages of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore when the couple tied the knot last year, making their highly publicized May-December romance official.

But even though their older woman-younger man relationship may be among the world's most visible, it's not that unusual anymore.

Braving "robbing the cradle" jokes, almost one-third of women between ages 40 and 69 are dating younger men (defined as 10 or more years younger). According to a recent AARP poll, one-sixth of women in their 50s, in fact, prefer men in their 40s.

It's not what you think -- the stamina or "re-boot" ability of the younger male. The women like the flexibility and sense of adventure of their more spontaneous, younger companions, Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a licensed family therapist in practice in Long Beach, Calif., and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again, tells WebMD. For their part, the men like the sophistication and life success of their older mates, she explains. The much touted idea that women peak sexually in their 30s and men in their teens does not enter into it -- most of these couples are beyond both those age periods

Other Reasons Behind This Trend

According to Tessina, other reasons underlying this expansion of everyone's dating choices include:

• Older women are looking better every day, thanks to creative medical advances and a gym on every corner.

• Women are more likely to come back on the dating market because of divorce and a longer expected life span.

• Not as many women are looking for the picket fence and two cars. Now companionship, travel, and fun are coming to the forefront.

• Women may also want a man with a less-developed career who could follow her or take care of children, if that is a factor.

• For their part, younger men often find older women more interesting, experimental, fun to talk to, financially settled, and more adept sexually.

But what about the notion that men are "hard-wired" to seek a smooth-faced, curvy receptacle for reproduction and thus are drawn to younger women? "Humans are relatively flexible species," Michael R. Cunningham, PhD, a psychologist in the department of communications at the University of Louisville, tells WebMD. "Factors other than biological can be attractive. You can override a lot of biology in pursuit of other goals."

Interestingly, Cunningham did an unpublished study of 60 women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, who were shown pictures of men aged to those decades. "The women," he says, "were more interested in men their own age or older."

As for the men, he says: "I guess it could be nice not to hang around a ditz with no knowledge of music or something like that."

Getting Over the "Shoulds"

"We have strong 'shoulds' on ways of partnering up," Kathryn Elliott, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette, explains to WebMD. "We are victims of inner-critic constrictedness. We think we should only weigh 120. We should marry people within two years of our age. We pathologize anything that isn't within those shoulds."

The key to making older women/younger man relationships work, Elliott says, is to match what she calls voltages. "Choose someone who is your voltage type -- has the same level of intensity about life. If the voltages are different, one becomes the pursuer and one the distancer. This can create pain."

Voltages are not a factor of age, she says.

"What you don't want," she explains, "is one partner wanting to go out, the other stay in; one willing to talk, the other wanting space (and silence to enjoy it)."

Dealing With the Flak

Susan Winter is co-author, with Felicia Brings, of Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance. She has been in several relationships with men up to 20 years younger than herself.

She works out a lot by her own admission (and judging by her track record in this department) and often meets partners at the gym, not the bars.
Winter tells WebMD that she and her co-author interviewed more than 200 couples for their book. Though hardly a scientific study, the research surfaced three myths such couples hear every time:

• Myth No. 1 -- "He will leave you for a younger woman." Winter says they did not find one younger man who did this, at least for a specific woman and because she was younger. "In some cases, the man wanted children," she says, "and the relationship fell apart because of that."

• Myth No. 2 -- "The woman was the seducer -- Mrs. Robinson." In all 200 cases, Winter says it was the man who initiated the contact.

• Myth No. 3 -- "It will never last." Winter said some of the couples they met had been together 25 year or more. The average length of the relationships was 13 years.

Pretty Promising Material Out There

Winter is upbeat about the younger generations. "The boomers are lost sheep," she says. "All they can do to get a woman is dangle their Porsche keys." As you peel back the decades, though, the men get "cooler," she says. Guys in their 30s get her vote. "They grew up with AIDS, they are considerate. Such men (at least the ones interested in older women) are stable and mature. They don't want to be mothered. They want a woman who knows who she is."

Still, even Winter admits, this may not be for everyone.

Older Men, Younger Women: Will It Work?

Older Men, Younger Women: Will It Work?
WebMD Feature

Dec. 11, 2000 -- When Tamara Latorre met her boyfriend, she was 32 and he was 43. That is, he said he was 43. They met online, so how could she know for sure? After their first rendezvous in person, he confessed: he was 52. The 20-year age difference between them didn't trouble her. She'd already fallen for him.

Three years later, they're happily living together on a four-acre horse farm in southeastern Massachusetts. The age difference doesn't show up when they're riding horses or racing down the slopes on a ski vacation. The gap appears when they talk about their future.

Eager to get the education she missed when she was younger, Latorre is enrolled full-time in college and plans to go to law school as well. A mother of four -- her oldest is 12 -- she is preparing to launch a career for the first time. Her boyfriend, meanwhile, is on the downside of his working life. Until he got divorced recently and his expenses went up, he thought that at this point in his life, he would be retired from his work as a dentist. Now his goal is to retire as soon as he can. He's got three kids: one in college, one about to start college, and one who is 10 years old.

When Latorre spends her evenings studying, he sometimes complains that she's ignoring him, she says. "I tell him I'm doing this so you can retire and I'll be able to earn money for us," she says. They've worked out a compromise. She studies only on weeknights and he often joins her. "I read him philosophy and he helps me figure out what the heck they're talking about."

The May-December story

While no statistics are readily available, older man-younger woman couples have long existed and may be becoming more prevalent and more socially acceptable. In certain Hollywood and corporate circles, especially among financially successful men, the practice is so common that these younger women, usually second wives, have been given the disparaging nickname of "trophy wives."

Medical advancements are helping this merger of the generations become more realistic than ever. Erectile enhancing drugs such as Viagra have allowed many older men to continue an active sex life. At the same time, new fertility treatments have extended the childbearing years for women, making possible families like that of author Saul Bellow, who became a father at age 85 this year when his 44-year-old wife gave birth.

"The concept of what age means in our society is changing very rapidly," says Ian Alger, MD, clinical professor of psychiatry at Weill Medical College of Cornell University. With many men rejecting the idea that they should retire at age 65, older men are discovering they feel vigorous enough to mate and even to start new families, he says. The Internet has been a rich meeting ground, since it lets people communicate without revealing their ages. "It brings everybody into the marketplace of life," he says.

Sometimes, people aren't even looking for the right partner online; it just happens. When Tamara Latorre first started chatting online with her now-boyfriend, she says she paid no attention to age. "I had absolutely no expectations of meeting him."

The challenge of May-December

While these pairings can bring great joy, they often carry unique challenges, experts say. First among them is that the average life expectancy for men is now 73.6 years, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, compared to a life expectancy for women of 79.4 years. An age difference of 15 or 20 or 35 years early in life may seem insignificant, but over time the age gap can mean that the younger woman is nursing an ill or dying husband just when she's in midlife and eager to be active. "We're dealing with two people in different stages of the life cycle," says Harvey Rubin, MD, clinical professor of psychiatry and director of continuing education at the Yale School of Medicine.

Trying to merge these cycles may involve reconciling to the fact that the woman will be left to raise a child by herself. One couple Rubin saw in private practice met when she was in her early 20s and he was in his late 50s, a dashing and successful businessman and musician. "She promised him she'd never want children," reports Rubin. "Well, he became a father at 82." Because of heart trouble, he's not able to help much with the child, who is now 3. "Their marital relationship is really nil," says Rubin. "He's been ill and needs her help."

The stability factor

Despite the problems the age difference can bring, the gap often does have perks for the younger partner, including financial stability. While a younger woman may end up being the caretaker of her older husband, the relationship may have begun with the premise that an older, more financially successful man will provide status, safety, and security for a young woman.

Christopher Zuckowski, 48, a federal employee in Maryland, has no problem with this. He clearly states that, in addition to love, what he offers is stability for his 22-year-old fiancée and her two children. "My primary goal is that she and her kids have a good life," he says. Much of this stability comes from the fact that he is old enough to be established in his career.

The intolerance factor

While couples often work out the age gap, their families and friends may still not be very accepting. Zuckowski's age is a problem, for instance, with his soon-to-be in-laws: he's older than they are. The three have not yet met, although the couple is engaged.

Tamara Latorre also has been on the receiving end of social disapproval. When she and her boyfriend are at the movie theater, they often run into couples who knew him when he was married. Some of these couples are friendly to her, while others clearly disapprove.

"The husband walks over and the wife stands there glaring," says Latorre.

Working it out

While these social snubs can be painful, they often can be shrugged off. More difficult are conflicts at home. Younger women may expect their mate to be their best friend, while older men may not be up to the psychological task, says Charles D. Hill, PhD, professor of psychology at Whittier College in Southern California. In lieu of verbal intimacy, sex may be a couple's bond, but with age and illness, the man's sexual performance may suffer, he says. It is imperative that the couple find other means of sexual pleasure and other common interests as well, he says.

At its best, the end of life can be another path for intimacy. The couple accept that part of the deal of being of different generations is caring for each other, come what may. Some couples rise to the challenge and experience new intimacy. "Life brings its ups and downs," says Ian Alger at Cornell University. "Many people shoulder this burden and are partners for better or for worse."

These are the partners who have truly bridged the two or three decade gap in ages -- and met in the middle.

Jane Meredith Adams has been a staff writer for The Boston Globe and has written for numerous other publications. She is based in San Francisco.

How To Break Up Gracefully

How to Break Up Gracefully
By Linda Lewis | Published 10/30/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Just about all of us have heard -- or even said -- this line as a way of ending a romantic relationship. The problem is that it often leaves the dumpee thinking the exact opposite.

But is there really a way to make a clean and honest break? Is it ever OK to lie when ending a romantic relationship? Can you IM him or her that it's over, or do you have to do it in person? Is it really possible to be friends with your ex after a breakup?
WebMD went to the experts to get the best breakup advice ever. Read this before you even think of uttering another clichéd breakup line or texting the bad news to your soon-to-be ex.

All Relationships Are Not Created Equal

"The nature of how to handle a breakup has to do with how you experience a relationship," says New York City-based psychoanalyst and psychotherapist Janice Lieberman, PhD, who specializes in relationship issues.

For starters, she says, not every relationship deserves a dramatic breakup. There are no hard and fast rules about what constitutes a relationship. "There are people who think they have a relationship with two dates and people who don't think they are in a relationship after 20 dates," she says. "If you have gone on one or two or three dates, not calling is breaking up, but after some kind of romantic and sexual encounters, it is a courtesy to call," Lieberman tells WebMD.

"Sometimes it's easier not to call, and there are people who will just run away," she admits.

The explosion of Internet dating has also muddied the waters in terms of when an actual breakup is necessary, she says.

"People have Internet relations for a long time and then elevate to phone calls. Sometimes it takes a long time for a face-to-face encounter. This can be problematic, because people get very involved with each other and then when they finally meet, there are so many other cues that indicate they’re not suited for one another," she says.

The warning signs that a breakup is imminent have also changed thanks to Internet dating, Lieberman says.

"People will go out with someone they met on Jdate.com or match.com, and then you can see if they are surfing the Net and looking for someone else," she says. This is far less subtle than, say, acting cold on a date or not calling when you said you would.

Don't Break Up Over Email

The tabloids widely reported that pop star Britney Spears broke up with her now-ex-husband Kevin Federline via a text message. But text messages, emails, or other high-tech message delivery systems are not the best medium for ending a romantic relationship.

Social networking sites, including MySpace and Facebook, allow users to post comments on one another's pages, but they should never be used to end a romantic relationship. Nor should web sites like Breakup Butler, which delivers several types of prerecorded breakup messages ranging from let-them-down-easy to downright mean.

"If it's a casual encounter, a text message is OK. But to my mind, it's better to call and speak or go out to dinner," Lieberman says.

"The news of a breakup should never be broken over text or email," says Alison Arnold, PhD, a therapist in Phoenix who is also known as 'Doc Ali,' the life coach on the VH1 series Scott Baio Is 45 ... and Single. "Texting a breakup is the coward's way out," she says.

Stick to the Relationship Facts

"Face-to-face or phone contact is a must," Arnold says. "It's important to give the person with whom you are ending the relationship the chance to ask questions and feel the sentiment underneath the words."

Be as direct and honest as you can, she advises. "Don't engage in tit-for-tat arguments. Stick to the facts: 'It's not working, it's no one's fault, we need to make a change.’"

Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

Whether or not two people can remain friends after a breakup depends on the two people and their feelings about the end of the relationship.

"If someone is very much in love -- and [then] broken up with-- and forever trying to get back with that person, then having a platonic relationship does not work," Lieberman says. "If you are still in love with the person and want them back, the best thing to do is go cold turkey."

While many a jilted lover claims to seek closure by going back just one more time after a breakup, such closure is a "fantasy or a hope," Lieberman says.
"If in your heart of hearts you really want to get back together, the best thing to do if the other person is not into it is to get out of it," she says.

Arnold agrees. "Do take at least eight weeks with no contact. No phone. No 'let's get together for coffee.' No nothing," she says. "You need time to detox and get in touch with yourself again."

Talking every day as "friends" is also a no-no. "That just keeps the wounds and hope open and working," Arnold says. "Don't keep calling to 'check in,' hear how his or her day was, or if the dog ate his dinner. Cut the cord in all ways."

Another no-no? Breakup sex, she says.

Prescription for Healing After the Relationship Ends

"Do learn from each relationship," Arnold says. "Write down five things you appreciated about this relationship that you would like to have in the next one, and five things you would not like to create next time."

Instead of stalking your ex or making up excuses to call or see him or her, "keep yourself busy with new activities, old friends, and healthy distractions," Arnold says.

"Don't get right into a new relationship, she advises. "Don't medicate your sadness with a new person. It isn't fair to either of you."

11 Secrets Men Keeps From Thier Wife

11 "Don't-Tell-the-Wife" Secrets All Men Keep
By Rogger Miller | Published 10/2/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

I was in the ninth grade when I learned a vital lesson about love. My girlfriend at the time, Amy, was stunningly cute, frighteningly smart and armed with a seemingly endless supply of form-fitting angora sweaters. And me? Let's just say I was an adolescent Chris Robinson to her budding Kate Hudson -- and well aware of my good fortune.

Then one day, as we stood in line for a movie at the mall, Simone Shaw, junior high prom queen, sauntered by. Suddenly Amy turned to me. "Were you looking at her?" she asked. "Do you think she's pretty?"

My mind reeled. Of course I was looking at her! Of course she was pretty! My God, she was Simone Shaw! I paused for a second, then decided to play it straight.
"Well, yeah," I chortled.

Five days later our breakup hit the tabloids (a.k.a. the lunchroom).
There comes a time in every man's life when he discovers the value of hiding the grosser parts of his nature. He starts reciting the sweet nothings you long to hear: "No, honey, I play golf for the exercise." "No, honey, I think you're a great driver." "No, honey, I wasn't looking at that coed washing the car in the rain."

We're not lying, exactly. We're just making things...easier. But Glenn Good, Ph.D., a relationship counselor, disagrees, and maybe he has a point. "These white lies are pretty innocent, but they can turn confusing," he says. "Many women think, If he's lying about himself, is he also lying about something else? Is he having an affair? To establish trust you have to tell the truth about the innocuous stuff."

And so, in the interest of uniting the sexes, we've scoured the country for guys willing to share the private truths they wouldn't normally confess. Some are a bit crass. Some you've always suspected. Some are surprisingly sweet. (Guys don't like to reveal the mushy stuff, either.) But read on, and you may discover that the truth about men isn't all that ugly.

Secret #1: Yes, we fall in lust 10 times a day -- but it doesn't mean we want to leave you

If the oldest question in history is "What's for dinner?" the second oldest is "Were you looking at her?" The answer: Yes -- yes, we were. If you're sure your man doesn't look, it only means he possesses acute peripheral vision.

"When a woman walks by, even if I'm with my girlfriend, my vision picks it up," says Doug LaFlamme, 28, of Laguna Hills, California. "I fight the urge to look, but I just have to. I'm really in trouble if the woman walking by has a low-cut top on."
Granted, we men are well aware that our sizing up the produce doesn't sit well with you, given that we've already gone through the checkout line together. But our passing glances pose no threat.

"It's not that I want to make a move on her," says LaFlamme. "Looking at other women is like a radar that just won't turn off."

Secret #2: We actually do play golf to get away from you
More than 21 million American men play at least one round of golf a year; of those, an astounding 75 percent regularly shoot worse than 90 strokes a round. In other words, they stink. The point is this: "Going golfing" is not really about golf. It's about you, the house, the kids -- and the absence thereof.

"I certainly don't play because I find it relaxing and enjoyable," admits Roland Buckingham, 32, of Lewes, Delaware, whose usual golf score of 105 is a far-from-soothing figure. "As a matter of fact, sometimes by the fourth hole I wish I were back at the house with the kids screaming. But any time I leave the house and don't invite my wife or kids -- whether it's for golf or bowling or picking up roadkill -- I'm just getting away."

Secret #3: We're unnerved by the notion of commitment, even after we've made one to you

This is a dicey one, so first things first: We love you to death. We think you're fantastic. Most of the time we're absolutely thrilled that we've made a lifelong vow of fidelity to you in front of our families, our friends and an expensive videographer.

But most of us didn't spend our formative years thinking, "Gosh, I just can't wait to settle down with a nice girl so we can grow old together." Instead we were obsessed with how many women who resembled Britney Spears we could have sex with before we turned 30. Generally it takes us a few years (or decades) to fully perish that thought.

Secret #4: Earning money makes us feel important

In more than 7.4 million U.S. marriages, the wife earns more than the husband -- almost double the number in 1981. This of course is a terrific development for women in the workplace and warmly embraced by all American men, right? Right?

Yeah, well, that's what we tell you. But we're shallow, competitive egomaniacs. You don't think it gets under our skin if our woman's bringing home more bacon than we are -- and frying it up in a pan?

"My wife and I are both reporters at the same newspaper," says Jeffrey Newton, 33, of Fayetteville, South Carolina. "Five years into our marriage I still check her pay stub to see how much more an hour I make than she does. And because she works harder, she keeps closing the gap."

Secret #5: Though we often protest, we actually enjoy fixing things around the house

I risk being shunned at the local bar if this magazine finds its way there, because few charades are as beloved by guys as this one. To hear us talk, the Bataan Death March beats grouting that bathroom shower. And, as 30-year-old Ed Powers of Chicago admits, it's a shameless lie. "In truth, it's rewarding to tinker with and fix something that, without us, would remain broken forever," he says. Plus we get to use tools.

"The reason we don't share this information," Powers adds, "is that most women don't differentiate between taking out the trash and fixing that broken hinge; to them, both are tasks we need to get done over the weekend, preferably during the Bears game. But we want the use-your-hands, think-about-the-steps-in-the-process, home-repair opportunity, not the repetitive, no-possibility-of-a-compliment, mind-dulling, purely physical task." There. Secret's out.

Secret #6: We like it when you mother us, but we're terrified that you'll become your mother

With apologies to Sigmund Freud, Gloria Steinem -- and my mother-in-law.

Secret #7: Every year we love you more

Sure, we look like adults. We own a few suits. We can probably order wine without giggling. But although we resemble our father when he was our age, we still feel like that 4-year-old clutching his pant leg.

With that much room left on our emotional-growth charts, we sense we've only begun to admire you in the ways we will when we're 40, 50 and -- God forbid -- 60. We can't explain this to you, because it would probably come out sounding like we don't love you now.

"It took at least a year before I really started to appreciate my wife for something other than just great sex; and I didn't discover her mind fully until the third year we were married," says Newton. "But the older and wiser I get, the more I love my wife." Adds J.P. Neal, 32, of Potomac, Maryland: "The for-richer-or-poorer, for-better-or-worse aspects of marriage don't hit you right away. It's only during those rare times when we take stock of our life that it starts to sink in."

Secret #8: We don't really understand what you're talking about

You know how, during the day, you sometimes think about certain deep, complex "issues" in your relationship? Then when you get home, you want to "discuss" these issues? And during these "discussions," your man sits there nodding and saying things like "Sure, I understand," "That makes perfect sense" and "I'll do better next time"?

Well, we don't understand. It doesn't make any sense to us at all. And although we'd like to do better next time, we could only do so if, in fact, we had an idea of what you're talking about.

We do care. Just be aware that the part of our brain that processes this stuff is where we store sports trivia.

Secret #9: We are terrified when you drive

Want to know how to reduce your big, tough guy to a quivering mass of fear? Ask him for the car keys.

"I am scared to death when she drives," says LaFlamme.
"Every time I ride with her, I fully accept that I may die at any moment," says Buckingham.

"My wife has about one 'car panic' story a week -- and it's never her fault. All these horrible things just keep happening -- it must be her bad luck," says Andy Beshuk, 31, of Jefferson City, Missouri.

Even if your man is too diplomatic to tell you, he is terrified that you will turn him into a crash-test dummy.

Secret #10: We'll always wish we were 25 again

Granted, when I was 25 I was working 16-hour days and eating shrimp-flavored Ramen noodles six times a week. But as much as we love being with you now, we will always look back fondly on the malnourished freedom of our misguided youth. "Springsteen concerts, the '91 Mets, the Clinton presidency -- most guys reminisce about the days when life was good, easy and free of responsibility," says Rob Aronson, 41, of Livingston, New Jersey, who's been married for 11 years. "At 25 you can get away with things you just can't get away with at 40."

While it doesn't mean we're leaving you to join a rock band, it does explain why we occasionally come home from Pep Boys with a leather steering-wheel cover and a Born to Run CD.

Secret #11: Give us an inch and we'll give you a lifetime

I was on a trip to Mexico, standing on a beach, waxing my surfboard and admiring the glistening 10-foot waves, when I decided to marry the woman who is now my wife. Sure, this was three years before I got around to popping the question. But that was when I knew.

Why? Because she'd let me go on vacation alone. Hell, she made me go. This is the most important thing a man never told you: If you let us be dumb guys, if you embrace our stupid poker night, if you encourage us to go surfing -- by ourselves -- our silly little hearts, with their manly warts and all, will embrace you forever for it.
And that's the truth.

Managing Marriage and Money Problems

Managing Marriage and Money Problems
By Richard Luong | Published 10/30/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Maureen and Dave Gomes, who have been married for more than six years, have a system for managing their money: one joint bank account that they both contribute to on a monthly basis and draw from for all house expenses, like the mortgage and electric bill; and two separate, personal accounts, which after their monthly contributions leaves them with their own money to spend. Last but not least, they work on their long-term financial goals together and manage big-ticket items, like cars and vacations, as a team.

“We created this system when we moved in together before we got married,” says Maureen. “For us, it works. But I do have to say that it would probably fall apart if we didn’t communicate well about our spending, act responsibly, and make decisions together.”

Maureen and Dave have figured out how to mix marriage and money in a way that works for them both. Other couples, however, aren’t as lucky.

“With the state of the economy, with housing issues, credit problems, more and more couples are facing serious marriage and money problems, even bankruptcy,” says William Harley, PhD, author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage;

Experts explain to WebMD the common financial scenarios couples often face, and offer practical tips for resolving them.

(Has your relationship been affected by money? How did you cope? Talk with others on our Couples Coping: Support Group message board.)

Scenario 1: Neglect = Marriage and Money Problems

Do you find yourself fighting with your spouse over the money he or she spends? Do you frequently spend money yourself, in excess, to spite your spouse because you’re angry? While it may seem like money is a serious bone of contention in your marriage, there could be something more to blame.

“Often, in couples who are arguing about money, it’s not money that’s the problem,” says Harley. “Instead, the money fights are a byproduct of relationship neglect.”

In cases like these, money becomes a weapon, explains Harley. One spouse uses the other’s spending habits as ammunition, bringing up his or her spending when it will hurt the most. Or a spouse spends to get even, even when he or she knows the spending is in excess of the couple’s budget.

“Our relationship dynamics and resentments get played out with money,” says Jenn Berman, PhD, a marriage and family therapist. “It’s not uncommon to see a person get mad at his or her spouse, and then go out and buy something as revenge.”

What’s the solution? Find a good marriage counselor, and work through your relationship issues, explains Berman.

“Working through a couple’s relationship issues can also help solve their financial problems,” Harley tells WebMD. “When you fix the root cause, the subsequent problems like money improve as well.”

Scenario 2: Love Is Blind

Another common financial problem can occur when a couple is so blinded by love that they spend with no regard for a budget. They take lavish vacations together, buy expensive gifts for each other, or buy a home they can’t afford. These expenses serve as a symbol of love for a new spouse, but they also serve to dig a couple deeper into financial turmoil.

“The problem with this scenario is, they eventually run out of money,” says Harley.
Once these couples fall into debt, they have something to fight about with both marriage and money problems at play.

In this case, the solution is a smart financial planner who can offer guidance on budgeting, long-term investment goals, and help in getting out of debt, explains Harley.

“A married couple in this scenario needs to wake up and smell reality,” says Harley. “They need to understand how much they earn, and how much they can spend, and stop being so ga-ga over the other person that they’re overspending.”

Scenario 3: When Women Are the Breadwinners

“We live in an age where women are catching up to the men,” says Harley. “In almost one-third of dual-income families, it’s the woman that’s the breadwinner.”

While for decades women have fought for pay equality, now that the fairer sex has caught up, many aren’t happy with their success.

“In a significant amount of couples I see in my practice where the woman makes more than the man, the woman isn’t happy,” says Harley. “She feels used, like she is responsible for everything.”

It gets even more complicated when a woman goes off to work, and the man stays home as Mr. Mom. Many women aren’t happy with this scenario, feeling shortchanged in their roles as mothers even though they're succeeding in their careers, says Harley.

Being a businesswoman -- and wife and mom when the workday is done -- is a heavy load that can create marriage and money problems for everyone involved.

“It’s always hard to be the one that is not earning the most money, but it’s particularly hard for most men,” says Berman, author of the A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. “Men feel a cultural pressure to earn more money, and it can create issues in both directions -- from the husband to the wife and the wife to the husband -- when the woman is the breadwinner.”

In this case, Berman suggests enlisting the help of both a financial planner and a marriage counselor. The couple should also set up equal spending rights, within reason and means, for each person.

“Have a clear-cut budget you both agree on, so everyone has some fun money to spend,” says Berman. “If couples create a budget where no one can spend, it’s not going to work.”

Scenario 4: Keeping Up With the Joneses

“We are a country that has become accustomed to debt,” Berman tells WebMD. “We judge one another by what we have and don’t have, so couples feel pressure to buy things they can’t afford as they keep up with the Joneses.”

Scenario 4: Keeping Up With the Joneses continued...

The stress of owing and debt can cause money problems in your marriage, she explains. As a couple spends and spends, with no regard for their mounting debt, it's the marriage that suffers.

“Couples don’t tend to fight about the mortgage because that’s a choice you make together,” says Berman. “Couples fight about the ancillary goods, like ‘I can’t believe you bought those golf clubs.’ It’s the things you can live without that you fight about.”

Again, financial planning support is key. In the meantime, a couple should ask themselves why they feel the need to live beyond their income.

“Its important to do some emotional work on yourself to determine why you care about what other people think, and is it about your own insecurities?” Berman asks. “And open communication is a must -- it is so important to the success of overcoming financial trouble.”

More Tips

What are financial fixer-uppers you should keep in mind when managing your marriage and money problems? Here are more tips from the experts that will help you keep both above water:

• Do a budget together. Create a budget for both the short and long term as you build your goals and your dreams together, explains Dave Ramsey, author of the best-selling book Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness. “Budgeting together will create communication in your marriage,” he says.

• Everyone gets a vote. “Both spouses have to give adult-like input and both spouses have to listen to each other,” says Ramsey.

• You have to work together to get out of debt and build wealth. “Two horses pulling a wagon can pull a huge load up a hill if they work together,” says Ramsey. “Pulling apart will simply turn the wagon into firewood.”

• Have joint accounts. “Having separate bills, debts, incomes, and lives is not a marriage,” Ramsey tells WebMD. You’re a team, and you need to act like one on both the emotional and financial front to be successful.

• Invest in your marriage. “Spend 15 hours a week together, to give yourself dedicated time to connect, put any issues aside like money, and keep the romance alive,” says Harley.

• Every action has a reaction. “Understand that any action you take in marriage, including an action related to your finances, has an impact on your spouse,” says Harley. “If you’re not conscientious of the effect it has on the other person, you’re living independently -- not married -- and you need to reconnect.”

Are You in an Emotional Affairs?

82% of affairs happen with someone who was at first "just a friend," according to noted infidelity researcher Shirley P. Glass.

Are you in an Emotional Affair?

YOU'VE PROBABLY CROSSED THE LINE IF YOU...

• Touch your male friend in "legal" ways, like picking lint off his blazer.

• Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him. -

• Think crush-like thoughts like, He'd love this song!

• Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner.

• No longer feel comfortable telling your husband about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.

• Experience increasing sexual tension; you admit your attraction to him but also insist to yourself that you would never act on it.

IT'S ABOUT TO GET PHYSICAL WHEN YOU...

• Find yourself feeling vulnerable and turn to the other man for support rather than to your husband or a trusted relative or girlfriend.

• Accelerate the level of intimacy through sexual or suggestive talk over e-mail or the phone.

• Put yourself in a situation where the two of you could be alone.

TO FORTIFY YOUR MARRIAGE...

• Stay honest with your husband. Share with him all your hopes, triumphs, and failures — as well as your attractions and temptations, which will help keep you from acting on them.

• Make time for just the two of you on a regular basis — away from the kids, your friends, and family.

• Surround yourself with happily married friends who don't believe in fooling around. Having positive, emotionally connected role models will help you stay on track

"READERS REVEAL I KNEW I'D GONE TOO FAR WHEN. . ."

"The guy who I was flirting with regularly over e-mail attended the same event as me and my fiancé. When I introduced them, my face flushed as red as a tomato — I felt embarrassed and guilty about my fiancé meeting this guy, so I knew what I was doing was wrong." — Carolyn, 31, Westfield, NJ

"One drunken night, my best guy friend and I confessed we had always liked each other. He was a perfect gentleman and left my place before we crossed the physical line. The next day I was completely embarrassed and knew that I didn't want to jeopardize the relationship with my boyfriend so I ended the friendship. And now the boyfriend is my husband, so I'm glad I did." — Allie, 29, Yonkers, NY

"The cute tech guy who I'd been flirting with at my office said to me, 'You're not going to invite me in?' after I accepted a ride home from him. I liked the attention of him buying me vending machine snacks and complimenting me, but my husband would've had a holy heart attack if he knew." — Amy, 38, Chicago

"My best guy friend and I were snuggled on his couch underneath a blanket when I realized that neither his girlfriend nor my boyfriend would be happy if they saw us — and that our platonic relationship wasn't as platonic as we thought." — Kim, 35, New Orleans

*Names have been changed.

Spouses May Inspire Healthy Lifestyle

Spouses May Inspire Healthy Lifestyle
By Linda Lewis | Published 11/1/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Spouses may inspire each other to adopt a healthy lifestyle, according to a new study on marriage and health.

"We find that when one spouse changes a poor health behavior, the other spouse is likely to change behavior as well," write researchers Tracy Falba, PhD, and Jody Sindelar, PhD.

So if you want your spouse to adopt some healthy habits, you might take the lead and make that change yourself.

Falba is a visiting assistant professor of economics at Duke University. Sindelar is a professor at Yale University's department of epidemiology and public health.
They studied data on more than 6,000 U.S. adults who were married (and stayed married to the same person) from 1996 to 2000.

The husbands and wives completed surveys about exercise, smoking, alcohol use, flu shots, and cholesterol screening in 1996 and 2000.

The researchers focused on husbands and wives who smoked, drank, and didn't exercise or get flu shots or cholesterol tests in 1996. The key question: Who had upgraded their health habits by 2000?

Spouse as Healthy Lifestyle Role Model

Falba and Sindelar considered many factors, including medical diagnoses that might shock husbands or wives into paying more attention to their health.
Across the board, husbands and wives tended to follow in each other's footsteps in adopting healthy habits.

Spouses were five to six times more likely to quit smoking, quit drinking, and to start getting flu shots if their spouse started doing so during the study.
Spouses were about 50% more likely to start exercising and about 80% more likely to get a cholesterol test if their spouse started doing so, the study also shows.
It didn't matter who made those changes first. Husbands and wives influenced each other equally.

It's not clear if the spouses quietly inspired each other through their example, or whether they asked their spouse to join them in their new healthy habits.
For instance, a wife who quit smoking might get rid of the ashtrays in the house and ask her husband not to smoke around her. Or a husband might inspire his wife to exercise by starting his own fitness program.

"Family members, especially spouses, have important impacts on each other, and we have shown that this influence extends to health behaviors," write Falba and Sindelar.

"Thus, attempts to change behavior may be enhanced, or thwarted, by the behavior of family members, especially spouses," the researchers add.

The study appears in the advance online edition of Health Services Research.

Men Don't Talk Less Than Women

Men Don't Talk Less Than Women
By Peter Hill | Published 11/1/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

There's new buzz about how much women and men talk -- and if you're picturing Chatty Cathy and Silent Steve, think again.

Both sexes say the same amount of words -- about 16,000 per day -- a new study shows.
The study, published in today's issue of the journal Science, included nearly 400 undergraduate students -- 210 women and 186 men.

Each student wore a device called an electronically activated recorder (EAR) during their waking hours.

The device quietly recorded the students' words for 30 seconds at a time, every 12 minutes or so. But the students didn't know when the recorder was on. They were told it recorded at random times.

The researchers included Matthias Mehl, PhD, assistant professor at the University of Arizona's psychology department. They padded the recorder so students couldn't sense when it was on.

They transcribed the students' tapes and then estimated how many words the students said daily, based on 17 waking hours per day.

Men Talk, Women Talk

"The data suggest that women spoke on average 16,215 words and men 15,669 words" per day, the researchers write.

But that difference of 546 words isn't exactly carved in stone. In fact, it's so small that the researchers say it could have been due to chance.

"Thus, the data fail to reveal a reliable sex difference in daily word use," write the researchers, who call the chat count a "lexical budget."
Some students were chattier than others.

For instance, one of the most talkative men uttered 47,000 words per day, while the quietest guy barely spoke 500 words, Mehl notes in a University of Arizona news release.

Most of the students were studying psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. That's where Mehl worked on the study as a graduate student.
The study also included about 100 students from the Autonomous University of Nuevo Leon in Monterrey, Mexico.

The sound clips were gathered in six groups of students from 1998 to 2004. Women didn't substantially outtalk men in any of those groups.

The researchers conclude that even though they only studied college students, "the widespread and highly publicized stereotype about female talkativeness is unfounded."

7 Tips on Marriage to Stay in Love

7 Marriage Tips to Stay Lucky in Love
By Richard Luong | Published 11/1/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

It's countdown time. Thousands of couples will walk down the aisle this Saturday, 7-7-07, hoping all those 7s -- the number long associated with luck -- will keep them lucky in love. It's one of the most popular wedding dates in modern history, according to overwhelmed wedding planners, florists, and photographers.

Relationship experts caution, however, that much more than luck is needed to stay together and beat the odds of a divorce, now estimated to end half of today’s marriages. Here, relationship experts consulted by WebMD offer their best marriage tips for how to stay lucky in love. And they go way beyond the usual tips to buy her flowers, cook his favorite meal, and remember to schedule date night.

Marriage Tip No. 1: Purge the "D'" word.

With the taste of wedding cake barely off their lips, divorce is the last thought -- or word -- on newlyweds' minds. But as the honeymoon period wanes, and day-to-day difficulties crop up, the word can come up frequently during arguments for some couples, say relationship counselors.

"Just don't go there," suggests Steve Brody, PhD, a psychologist in Cambria, Calif., who counsels couples. "Some people pull that out much too early, and much too often in a relationship. It raises a whole level of anxiety [in the person hearing it]."

Divorce is also considered a dirty word by the more than 200 "marriage masters" interviewed for the book, Project Everlasting. Co-authors Mat Boggs and Jason Miller, bachelors and childhood buddies from Portland, Ore., traveled the country to interview the couples, married 40 or more years, and ask for their best marriage tips.

"Don't use the D word" was one oft-repeated suggestion for keeping a happy marriage, Boggs says. These marriage masters told him, "You need all your energy to find the solution to a problem and work it out. If you are even giving any consideration to a divorce, you lessen your ability to solve the problem."

Of course, Boggs says, the marriage masters acknowledged that some situations are deal breakers, such as addiction, adultery, or abuse. But when the problem is less severe, many of the marriage masters told him they create a "ledger of life." They get out a piece of paper and write down everything they love about their spouse. Eventually, they shift gears and begin to focus on what is right, not what's wrong.

Learning the seven bad habits and the seven good ones is the easy part, admit William Glasser, MD, a Los Angeles psychiatrist, and his wife, Carleen Glasser, MA, who co-authored Eight Lessons for a HappierMarriage and include this idea in their book and counseling sessions. Putting them into practice takes effort, of course.

The seven deadly habits are criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing.

The seven caring habits include supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating your differences.

Marriage Tip No. 3: Take care of yourself.

This marriage tip is short and sweet: "Take care of yourself physically and spiritually," Brody tells couples.

That way, your stress will be down and your tolerance will be up. You'll be less likely to get on each other's nerves -- and to squabble. You're more likely to have a happy marriage.

Marriage Tip No. 4: Discuss outside friendships.

While some married couples consider activities such as workplace friendships with members of the opposite sex acceptable, some relationship experts disagree.

"I'm not big on cross-gender friendships for married people," Brody says. "It's playing with fire." One exception, in his book: If a wife has a friendship with a gay man or a husband has a friendship with a gay woman, he's fine with that, since the romance potential is nonexistent. Otherwise, he says, the line is too easy and tempting to cross.

Marriage Tip No. 5: Stop trying to control your partner.

It's another one of those easier-said-than done marriage tips, of course. But trying to control each other -- using a technique psychologists call "external control" -- is the main source of marital unhappiness, according to the Glassers. In a happy marriage, partners know they cannot control each other.

You have practiced this "external control" if you have ever told your partner they need to behave the way you want them to or that you know what is right.

Learning not to control a partner can be a long process, but the Glassers offer some tips on educating yourself. "Think first," Carleen Glasser says. Ask yourself: "If I can only control my own behavior, what can I do to help the marriage?" Then think of what you can change to make the problem better, she suggests.

"Be honoring all the time," says Thomas Merrill. That means no "my old lady" stories, he says. And it also means a wife shouldn't be flirting with male co-workers or other men.

Marriage Tip No. 6: Respect.

Respect was also a marriage tip that came up often from the marriage masters, Boggs says. "The No. 1 principle that almost everyone talked about is respect," he says. "You can have respect without love, but you cannot have love without respect."

Respect, say those with a happy marriage, means not undermining your partner in front of the children. "And don't go outside the marriage when you are having a problem," Boggs says they advised. "Discuss it with your partner."

Respect also means not criticizing your mate in front of others, Miller and Boggs were often told by the marriage masters. To make this marriage tip easier to practice, consider the input of one marriage master on the topic, Boggs says. "One man told me, 'Let's say someone is walking by when you are criticizing your mate. That is the only opinion they have of you.'"

Marriage Tip No. 7: If you're the wife, lower your expectations. If you're the husband, step up to the plate.

When Steve Brody and his wife, Cathy Brody, MFT, a marriage and family counselor, toured the country to promote their book, Renew Your Marriage at Midlife, they asked audiences what they wanted from marriage.

"Women expected to be loved, cherished, listened to, cared for, and courted," Steve Brody says. They had a long list of wants and expectations, he recalls. The men joked that their expectations were more basic: Their typical answers, Brody says: "Bring food and show up naked."

While the men were half joking, the gaps in expectations are a good lesson. To close the gap, Brody says, women need to lower their expectations -- to not expect 24/7 romance, for instance, especially if their mate has just worked an unbelievably long week.

Men need to do some of the things the woman wants, such as prioritize their relationship and listen more, he says. In a nutshell, Brody says, "Men need to do the same things at home that they do at work." He tells the husbands he counsels to think of it this way: "Your wife is the million-dollar client. If she walks out the door, the business is closed."
Thanks to : Penis Pills

7 Relationship Problems and How to Solve Them.

7 Relationship Problems and How to Solve Them
By Rogger Miller | Published 11/5/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

It’s a rare couple that doesn’t run into at least a few relationship problems -- even when their love life is generally happy. It helps, experts say, to know what the most common problems in a relationship or marriage are. That way you’ll have a better chance of getting through them if they occur in yours. Scott Haltzman, MD, is a clinical assistant professor of psychology at Brown University in Providence, R.I. “Knowing what to expect from relationships -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- is the best way to make sure you're not looking for something that will never be there,” Haltzman says.

Ideally, basic topics such as money, sex, and kids should be discussed before a couple decide to share their life together, says Margaret A. Cochran, PhD. Cochran is a San Francisco Bay area psychotherapist who coaches couples on resolving marriage problems and building romantic intimacy. But agreeing on these things, she says, doesn’t guarantee that a marriage or long-term relationship is going to be trouble free.

Marriage and family therapist Terri Orbuch, PhD, director of the NIH-funded Early Years of Marriage project at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, has identified seven common relationship problems and ways to address them. Her suggestions can help you get a wobbly relationship back on track.

Relationship problem #1: Lack of trust

Trust is an essential part of a relationship, Orbuch tells WebMD. “Trust becomes an issue when one partner doesn’t feel the other is being honest, or doesn’t have his or her best interests at heart,” she says. It can become a major issue if one of you feels the other has a roving eye — or worse, sees signs of a cheating spouse.

Orbuch‘s solution is a “trust talk.” You and your partner need to ask one another about your feelings about and experience with dependability and commitment. What are the behaviors that are causing you to lose trust in your partner or to doubt his or her commitment? Finally -- and Orbuch says you need to think about this carefully -- do you have unresolved issues of your own that hinder your ability to trust others? “You have to have a trustworthy partner,” Orbuch says, “but you also have to have the ability to trust.”

Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN, author of When Your “Perfect Partner” Goes Perfectly Wrong, offers these tips to help you and your partner develop trust in each other.

• Be consistent.
• Be on time. When you have to be late, call and say you’ll be late.
• Do what you say you will do, and call when you say you will call.
• Don’t lie — not even little white lies — to your partner or to others.
• Be fair, even in an argument.
• Be sensitive to the other’s feelings. You can still disagree, but don’t discount how your partner feels.
• Carry your fair share of chores.
• Respect your partner’s boundaries.
• Be a good listener.
• Try not to overreact when things go wrong.
• Don’t dig up old wounds. Remember that once you say things, you can’t take them back.
• Don't be jealous.

Relationship problem #2: Issues with sex

Even partners who love each other can have problems in their sexual relationship, says Orbuch. Pointing to the thorny issues of frequency, satisfaction, types of sexual activity, and the role of physical intimacy in the rest of the relationship, Orbuch tells WebMD that the nature of sex can change over the course of a relationship. “The passage of time,” she says, “affects sexuality. Most couples don’t retain that urgent longing they first felt.”

Talking about your sexual relationship not only gets the issue out in the open, but can also be arousing, says Orbuch. “Talk about your fantasies, how often you’d like to have sex, what things you might like to try,” she says. For many women, talk leads to intimacy, though that’s not always true for men. Passion can also be fueled by “newness.” “Do something new and exciting with your partner," Orbuch says, "whether that’s taking a cooking class together or arranging a mystery date.”

Relationship problem #3: Not enough communication

“Many couples assume that handling daily tasks is communicating,” Orbuch says. “But true communication means sharing your goals and thoughts and dreams — not just talking about whose turn it is to pick up the kids.”

Orbuch tells WebMD it’s important to spend at least five minutes a day talking about topics other than work, your schedules, and your kids. “This can be in person, on the phone, or even in email,” she says. “Or make a point of gathering at the dinner table each night to talk. This is important even if you’re a couple without kids.” Childless couples can get stuck in communication ruts, too.

Communicating with each other can go a long way toward resolving your relationship problems. But don’t be hesitant to seek help from a professional counselor. “Whether you’re a new couple, in the middle of your relationship, or long-established partners," says Orbuch, "a third party can help you if you get stuck."

Relationship problem #4: Money issues

Money issues are a sore spot for many couples. Addressing them involves many questions, says Orbuch, from how much money you each think you should save to who earns more and who makes the financial decisions. “Money is an especially sensitive subject,” says Orbuch. “People just don’t like to talk about it."

Every three months, Orbuch says, you should schedule a “money talk.” Make a list of short- and long-term financial goals, and plan for how much you're spending and how much you're saving. “It’s not unusual for one partner to play a more primary role in money matters,” says Orbuch, “but the other partner should be involved and aware. One person shouldn't be making big financial decisions alone.”

Relationship problem #5: Dividing chores

“Who does what at home can be a source of conflict between couples,” says Orbuch. “Women like to feel that they’re part of a team. It doesn’t have to be 50-50, but it does have to be fair.”

Orbuch says you should choose a time when you’re not frustrated or angry and you're both feeling relaxed. Then discuss each of your expectations. Do you expect your husband to take out the trash? Does he expect you to cook dinner? If reality doesn’t meet your expectations, instead of being frustrated, look for solutions together that may work better for each of you.

Relationship problem #6: Managing conflict

Most couples argue from time to time. “It’s not the amount of conflict, but how you handle it,” says Orbuch. “Destructive behavior, such as yelling, shouting, or withdrawing, is not appropriate. You need to develop a constructive conflict style.”
Start by bringing up your concerns in a timely way, Orbuch says, but find the right time to talk. That’s not when the kids are clamoring for your attention, or when your partner has just walked in from work at the end of a long day. Remain as calm as possible, and use “I statements" to explain how you think and feel. For example: “I feel neglected when you don’t call if you’re going to be late,” instead of: “You’re so thoughtless you can’t even pick up a phone.” And, Orbuch says, make sure you’re really listening to what your partner is saying, not thinking about your response while he or she is talking. Keep lines of communication open — remember, disagreement doesn't necessarily mean disrespect.

Relationship problem #7: Maintaining compatibility

Compatibility doesn’t always mean having similar hobbies and interests, says Orbuch. Rather, it has more to do with having similar attitudes and values. “Couples who feel the same way about issues such as children, religion, and lifestyle are more likely to stay together,” Orbuch says.

The solution again is to talk, says Orbuch. “You don’t need to be compatible on all issues,” she says, “but you should think alike on at least some of the major issues in your relationship.” For the topics you don’t agree on, Orbuch tells WebMD, you should discuss whether there's room for compromise or negotiation, and how this might affect your relationship. For instance, Orbuch says, “If one of you really wants children and the other really doesn’t, you need to honestly evaluate whether you can maintain your relationship."

While you're resolving a relationship problem

If you're working on one of these relationship problems, says Karen Sherman, PhD, there are things you can do that will help you appreciate each other while you resolve them. Sherman, a New York psychologist and co-author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, Make It Last, says you should keep the following in mind.

1. Respect each other. Speak and behave respectfully toward one another. Don't humiliate or put your partner down, especially in public. When you speak with each other, speak as you did when you first started dating.

2. Show appreciation of one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate that you . . . ." It lets your partner know that he or she matters.

3. Be realistic. Thinking your mate will meet all your needs — and will be able to figure them out without your asking — is a Hollywood fantasy. “Ask for what you need directly,” says Sherman.

4. Recognize that the two of you are different, come from different families, and have been raised differently. Rather than getting annoyed or assuming that your partner doesn't care, open up and be receptive to learn about your partner's different way of doing things.

5. Use humor. Learn to let things go, and enjoy one another more. Have fun!

Sharing Your Sex Fantasies With your Partner: Sizzler or Fizzler?

Sharing Your Sex Fantasies With your Partner: Sizzler or Fizzler?
By Michelle Ryan | Published 12/13/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

You’ve been sharing a bed with the same partner for years. By now you know each other’s sleeping habits inside and out, right down to the exact room temperature and sleeping position preferred. But how well do you know what it takes to turn on your partner? There’s one way to find out -- by sharing your most intimate sex fantasies. An open exchange of erotic fantasies can help rekindle the flames -- or can they? Here’s what sex experts say on the subject.

Risky business

Many sex experts advise couples to use caution when revealing private sex fantasies. “It often backfires,” says Wendy Maltz, MSW, sex therapist and co-author of the book Private Thoughts: The Power of Women’s Fantasies. That’s because too often, says Maltz, there’s a lack of understanding about what it means to share them.

To minimize misunderstandings, Maltz suggests setting some guidelines before agreeing to reveal erotic fantasies. “Make sure you have a mutual understanding of each other’s objectives. Are you doing it simply to learn about what each other’s private sexual thoughts are, or are you creating a menu of the type of sexual activities you want to try?” she says.

Other experts agree that it’s best not to plunge head-first into a completely candid revelation of your deepest erotic fantasies. “First, test the waters. Float the idea in a general way,” suggests Barbara Bartlik, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Weill Medical College of Cornell University. “You could say, ‘What did you think about that scene in the movie?’”

Even when both partners willingly reveal their sex fantasies to one another, says Maltz, there’s no guarantee that the outcome will be a positive meeting of the minds, or bodies. “It’s shaky ground for a relationship. It can really enhance the sexual experience, or destroy it. It can make people very uptight and anxious,” Maltz says.

That’s particularly true if either you or your partner finds the content of a particular fantasy off-putting. “What about the person who likes to be sexually sadistic? The other person may take great offense to that,” Bartlik says.

Oftentimes, explains Bartlik, it takes a lot of courage to reveal a less conventional fantasy such as one that includes sadomasochism. Further, it takes a very loving and loyal partner to listen and accept fantasies that may be outside the mainstream of sexual experience. The inability to accept an edgy fantasy may cause a rift in the relationship. But even if you find your partner’s sex fantasies a bit unnerving, there’s hope for moving forward.

Maltz offers some advice to prevent emotionally jarring fallout from the revelation of sex fantasies. The first thing is not to assume that your partner wants to actually do everything he or she fantasizes about. “It’s important not to take these desires literally, unless they’re intended that way,” she says.

Not everyone truly desires to act on their sexual fantasies, Maltz explains. “They’re more likely to be symbolic,” she says. But that doesn’t mean they should be dismissed. Instead, take your cue from the mood or feeling the fantasy suggests. “Erotic fantasiescan help you learn about your partner’s sensuality,” Maltz says. For instance, a woman may fantasize that her lover, atop a galloping horse, sweeps her off her feet and onto the horse, then the two of them ride off into the sunset together. She may not really want or expect this to happen, but the takeaway message is significant. “She’s thinking, ‘I want my husband to romanticize me more,’” Maltz says.

The bottom line in sharing sex fantasies is this: “How the information in the fantasy is shared is critical to whether or not it ends up being productive for the couple,” says Maltz.

Getting in Touch With Your Sex Fantasies

In spite of recent research that tells us it’s perfectly normal, healthy even, to engage in sexual fantasies, many people bury or ignore what makes them feel good. The result, they say, can be an unfulfilling sex life.

“Your partner loves to see you turned on, and fantasies are what take you there,” says Cheryl McClary, PhD, JD, professor of women’s health at the University of North Carolina-Asheville. What’s more, she says, “If you’re not turned on, your partner is going to know it.”

She suggests ways to bring yourself to a heightened sense of arousal, before sharing that experience with your partner. “Seduce yourself first. Go where your fantasies are. Buy erotic undergarments. Rent movies with sex scenes that turn you on,” McClary says.

But by all means, she says, don’t keep your erotic fantasies to yourself. “Call your partner at work and share your fantasies. You’ll be doing yourself and your partner a disservice if you don’t,” McClary says.

Even sex experts who believe that revealing erotic fantasies to your partner can strengthen the relationship acknowledge that this tell-all scenario isn’t for everyone. “A lot of happily married people with good sex lives never share their fantasies. They keep them private,” Bartlik says.

One good reason to remain mum, says Bartlik, is that the majority of people in long-term, fulfilling sexual relationships do not necessarily think about their partner when they’re at the height of sexual passion. But even though both partners might routinely think of something other than each other, revealing this may result in hurt feelings.

Sometimes, the best solution may be to edit your revelation so it’s more reassuring to your partner. Fantasies about other people, for example, might be best kept to ourselves. “Common sense tells us what we don’t need to reveal,” says McClary.

Bringing Your Partner Into the Loop With Sexual Fantasies

But when it’s only inhibition, not guilt, that’s keeping you from sharing your fantasies from your partner, it might be mutually beneficial to let those feelings surface, say experts.

“Don’t expect your partner to figure out what turns you on. Tell your partner. That’s all part of the fantasy,” McClary says. “Life’s too short to wait for your partner to figure it out.”

For many couples, sharing erotic fantasies may be a matter of remembering how things used to be when your relationship was new. “Ask yourself, ‘What’s going to make us start giggling again? What used to be sexy and fun?’” McClary says.

What Men Really Want But Won't Tell You

What Men Really Want But Won't Tell You
By Rogger Miller | Published 12/13/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

"A full shelf just for us in the medicine cabinet."

Not a two-inch-wide slot -- a whole, wall-to-wall shelf. Rescuing our razor from an avalanche of lipstick, Secret sticks, and those triangle sponge thingies is not the most fun way to start the morning. And by the way, what the hell are those triangle things for? Are you playing blocks in there?

"You waking us up in the middle of the night...completely naked."
There are two things every dude in a long-term relationship desires: excitement and nudity. And with this little move, you're killing two naughty birds with one sexy stone. Wake us up at 3 a.m. and tell us that you just had the hottest dream and can't fall back to sleep. Then watch the fog of sleep -- along with other things -- suddenly lift. "Naked is the best thing ever in bed, along with maybe pizza," says Bob Rybarczyk, 37, who lives in St. Louis. "The spontaneity of being woken up like that is what makes it exciting, assuming I could actually be coherent in the middle of the night." And who knows, your adventurousness might just inspire us to new heights of under-the-covers creativity in return.

"A free pass to skip some boring get-together."

We think your family is great. Really. How could we have anything less than affection for your brothers, sisters, and, of course, your parents, the people who raised the woman we love and adore? But here's the thing: We also love and adore lying on the couch, when the only sounds in the house are a televised baseball game and our snores. It's nothing personal, but a Saturday afternoon of pure vegetation, as opposed to making small talk at your niece's birthday party, would be the greatest gift ever. "My wife once told my in-laws that I had a stomach flu the day of a big family barbecue," says my brother, Rich, 36, from Miller Place, NY. "I felt like I was playing hooky -- it was the best! As a thank you, I didn't complain about being dragged along on her epic mall shopping trips for months after that."

"More girls' nights out."

Yep, you heard us right -- because when you go out with your best buddies, you recharge your batteries, blow off some steam, and come home a happy camper. And when you're happy, we're happy. (Plus, we all know what a few cosmos do to you when the lights click off. Growl!) And, okay, on a much less charitable note, it gives us much-needed ammunition for that "Can I spend the weekend with my buddies in Vegas?" request we'll be making in a few months.

"A chance to handle the kids solo."

We swear we won't break them. Sure, we might let them go a few feet higher on the swings than you would, but getting into a little mischief with the kiddies is one of the inalienable rights of fatherhood. Running around like maniacs, eating ice cream before lunch -- these are the kinds of bonding sessions we dream about while stuck in our dreary offices. So take the afternoon off and let us go nuts with the kids.

"To be told how manly we are when we fix something."

Even if we're only changing a lightbulb, fawn over us as if we were a greased-up Ty Pennington who just added a 4,000-square-foot walk-in closet to your bedroom. "Nothing makes a guy feel like more of a man than when his woman hands him a cold beer after he's been working hard," says Nick Stevens, 32, of Boston. "Yes, that is very 1950s, but it's the truth."

"Oral sex."
Duh.

"Acceptance of our inner dork."

"I secretly crave a woman who will dust -- without complaint or editorial comment -- my extensive collection of action figures," says painter Dave Dorman, 48, who was voted the number one Star Wars artist of all time by Star Wars Galaxy magazine. (Sorry, ladies, he's taken.) Look, we know we should have outgrown comic books and sci-fi flicks at least 15 years ago, but the fact is, we haven't. So you can make fun of us for our nerdy cravings, or you can tag along with us to the latest superhero movie and watch Hugh Jackman or Christian Bale run around in a tank top. Is that really such a chore?

"You paying the neighborhood kid to shovel the driveway before we get our fat asses out of bed."

Or, failing that, hooking us up with a cup of hot cocoa when we come back inside grumbling about moving the family to Florida. Think of it this way: Besides making our morning, that $20 you spent just bought you hours and hours of not having to hear us complain about how much our back hurts from shoveling.

"A spa treatment for you."

This might sound selfless and giving, but we have an ulterior motive. When you have silky, smooth skin, you can't wait for us to get our hands on you. And neither can we.

"You not saying how fat you think you are when you get dressed in the morning."

Who cares if you can't fit into a dress that you used to wear 15 years ago? We think you're still totally hot. "Confidence is sexy," explains Bob. Complaining that you feel fat and gross isn't. After all, we men don't all have the six-pack we want, but that doesn't stop us from acting like we're superstuds. Bottom line: Whether or not you've shed that stubborn 10 pounds you've been dying to ditch, we want you to jump our bones. And if you do, that smile you leave on our faces will give you 10 times more confidence than any infomercial diet plan ever could.

"A little dirty talk."

Doesn't matter when, doesn't matter what. Even if it doesn't make sense, a whispered sentence that includes the words "throbbing," panties," and "broom closet" will make our week.

"Someone else taking out the garbage."

Dragging that stinking Hefty bag out to the curb before the health department declares your kitchen a biohazard might seem like a small thing, but in case you haven't realized, guys are lazy bastards. Discovering that a dreaded chore has already been done is like finding a brand-new bike under the Christmas tree. We might not notice that you cut four inches off your hair and dyed it blonde, but we will notice this. And we will reciprocate. Expect us to bring you a glass of water in bed before you ask. Expect us to pick those socks up off the floor. Because if The Sopranos has taught us anything, it's that when someone does you a favor, you return it.

"You leaving the armoire doors open so we don't have to walk across the room and open them when we want to watch the TV in bed."

(See above, re: Guys are lazy bastards.)

"More nagging."

That may sound like a pile of what your neighbor's poodle left on your lawn, but honestly, there is such a thing as good nagging. If it weren't for you staying on top of how we eat, drink, and dress, most dudes would subsist on pizza and beer and live in sweatpants. We may bitch and moan about your pestering, but at the end of the day, we know that you're just looking out for us, and though we'll never admit it, that makes us feel pretty great.

"A movie theater make-out session."

"Boredom is the greatest malady affecting marriages today," says Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, host of TLC's Shalom in the Home and father of eight -- count 'em, eight -- kids. "I am a strong believer that husbands and wives have to do things that are inappropriate to break routine. Just make sure you hide from the usher." Not only will you make us feel like we're 14 again (minus the cracking voice and socially crippling acne), you'll show us that even though Brad Pitt is shirtless on the big screen, we own the only pair of lips in the world that you want to be locked with. (And if you're secretly picturing the shirtless Mr. Pitt while we're playing tonsil hockey, no harm done.)

"Fast food for dinner every once and a while."

You know how much it sucks to diet and exercise, so when we're on some kind of fitness program, throw us a bone -- preferably one covered in fried chicken -- and help us cheat occasionally. See, if we buy a 12-piece bucket ourselves, then we're weak-willed blubberbutts. But if we eat something our wives picked up as a treat, we're being gracious, appreciative husbands. You went to the trouble to pull up to a drive-through, so it'd just be hurtful not to accept your thoughtful gesture, right?

Secrets To A Better Love Life

10 Secrets to a Better Love Life
By Rogger Miller | Published 12/13/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Valentine's Day isn't just about chocolates, cards, and roses anymore. Nope, it's become a season of sexual self-improvement, too. Fueled by an annual rash of early February news stories, magazine pieces, talk show segments, and Internet articles about improving our love lives, many of us set out to do just that in time for Feb. 14.

But alas, these attempts at achieving a better love life may only last as long as the New Year's resolutions you abandoned the month before. A few weeks later, the sexy nightie languishes hidden in the sock drawer, the massage oil gathers dust next to the athlete's foot powder in the medicine cabinet, and you and your partner have returned to what feels like a humdrum sexual life.

So what is the secret to a better love life that lasts? We asked for some suggestions from two experts on sexuality -- Michael Castleman, author of Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex, and Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, a board certified sex therapist and resident expert for WebMD's "Sex Matters®" message boards.

Make Dates

Castleman and Weston are in firm agreement that couples that have been together for a while need to plan time for sex.

"Make a date for sex," says Castleman, a health journalist who previously answered questions about sexuality submitted to the Playboy advisor. "Don't let it be an afterthought," he tells WebMD. "Do whatever you like to do beforehand, go to a movie or dinner, take a walk, have a glass of wine by candlelight, whatever the couple likes to do as a couple. But set aside that time."

But, you might cry, isn't scheduling unromantic? Isn't sex supposed to be spontaneous? Rare is the lover with a daily planner fetish, after all.

But Castleman has a blunt response. "Grow up," he says. "What's the problem with making a date for sex? People make plans for other things they enjoy, like ski trips or dinners out."

Weston agrees. "I think most people, especially couples with kids, have to plan ahead because they already have so much jammed into their schedules," she says. "Sure there are times when things spontaneously fall together, but those are happy accidents."

One good suggestion for a better love life is to take regular nights away from home.

"For couples that have been together for a while, sex can become routine," says Castleman. "You're worn out by the end of the day, after the job, the laundry, the kids' soccer games, and the errands.

"And instead of champagne and oysters on the half shell with a sweeping view of Lake Tahoe as your reward, you've got your same old crummy house and peanut butter and jelly and that's about it," he says. It's not exactly conducive to an exciting sex life.

It can be hard to give into the moment when you're having sex in your all-too-familiar bedroom. Your mind wanders. Did I remember to set the alarm clock? How much will it cost to repair that water damage on the ceiling?

"Lovemaking is, fundamentally, a present moment experience," says Castleman. "The best sex comes when you're not thinking about the past or the future, but only the present. And that can be hard in a room where you've always got grandma's picture smiling down on you."

Castleman recommends getting away to a place that is stripped of these reminders of everyday life. It doesn't have to be a fabulous spot by the ocean, or at least it not every time. A non-descript place off the Interstate might be just fine.

Redecorate the Bedroom

Of course, having a sex life that's wholly dependent on trysts at hotels and overnight babysitters may be a problem if you're not fabulously wealthy, childless, and unemployed. So in addition to some trips away, make some changes at home.

"The bedroom does build up a lot of mundane associations," says Weston. "But if you can do anything to transform your bedroom into something new and different, that can make a big difference."

And a better love life doesn't require installing a revolving bed or ceiling mirrors. "You don't need to do something that will freak out the kids or the housekeeper," says Weston.

Lighting some candles is an obvious suggestion. But maybe getting a nicer set of sheets and a new bedspread will make a difference. Also, removing some of the junk -- the kids' toys, the piles of laundry -- that tends to accumulate in a bedroom out can have an effect. Think about ditching the bedroom TV, too, or at least trying life without it for a while.

Everyone's got sexual fantasies of one sort or another. But for some people, those fantasies can be buried pretty deep. If your partner were to turn to you tonight and say, "What's your ultimate sexual fantasy?" or "What do you want to change about how we have sex?" do you know what you'd say?

If you're not sure, you're not alone. "Some people have to do a little work at figuring out what really arouses them," says Weston. But figuring out what you want is key to having a better love life.

So give it a little effort. Weston observes that there are plenty of tools out there to help: books, magazines, videos, and so on. Once you've come up with some ideas, telling your partner about them could be fun for both of you.

Find Out What Your Partner Wants

And then there's the flip side: You need to ask your partner the same questions that you've asked yourself. What does your partner want from your love life?

According to Weston and Castleman, one of the most common complaints they hear is that one partner wants to have sex more than the other.

Some people may huffily assume that they just have higher sex drives than their partners do. But maybe your partner is looking for something different out of your love life but hasn't felt able to ask. So bring up the subject. Talking openly might bring you closer to one another, and that's likely to make sex more interesting for both of you.

Trying something new in the bedroom is a pretty obvious suggestion for attaining a better love life, but it's one that many people have trouble following.

"For a lot of couples, the longer they're together, the more they play it safe sexually," says Weston. "You think it would go the other way, that as people get more comfortable in a relationship they feel more secure to try new things. But that's not the case."

Castleman agrees. "People resist change, especially intimate change," he says. "If you're in an established relationship, you may feel like you have more to lose. You don't want to rock the boat."

But both Castleman and Weston recommend resisting the impulse to play it safe. This can mean all sorts of things -- maybe lingerie, massage, sex toys and so on -- and trying something new doesn't have to be outrageous.

"People have a lot of crazy notions about what a sexual fantasy should be," says Castleman. "They think it must mean S&M or sex on a Ferris wheel. But there are a lot less wild ways of experimenting with something new."

Weston agrees. "One small change that can have a big effect is to interrupt the pattern to how you usually have sex," says Weston. "If you're usually the shy one who waits for the other person to begin things, try starting it yourself. Just take a risk, even if it's a little one."

Sexual problems are a much more open secret now than they once were. For instance, thanks to the efforts of pharmaceutical companies and late night comics, there aren't many people left in the country who aren't aware of medications for erectile dysfunction.

Of course, that doesn't mean that everyone who needs help is getting it.
"People who have sexual problems do often shy away from sexuality because they don't want to face failure," says Weston. "But these problems need to be addressed head on."

Erectile dysfunction has received the most attention, but there are plenty of other issues too, such as premature ejaculation, a loss of libido, or difficulty reaching orgasm caused by medications or medical conditions.

Weston reports that women are coming forward in larger numbers and reporting sexual problems too, such as pain during intercourse or an inability to orgasm. According to Castleman, many women complain about vaginal dryness during sex, which can be painful.

"Lubrication is important," says Weston. "Because in terms of how aroused a person is, lubrication for a woman is the equivalent of an erection for a man."

Some sexual problems may need medical attention, while others can be solved by trying different sexual techniques or buying a $5 bottle of lubricant. But the important thing is not to muddle through with problems that are making your sex life worse. Don't settle for a mediocre sex life.

And finally, Weston is quick to point out that no matter what you've heard, drugs for erectile dysfunction do nothing to increase a person's sex drive.

Go Slowly

Some couples find that, the longer they're together, the briefer and more businesslike their sexual encounters can become.

Castleman likens it to navigating a new neighborhood. When you move to a new place, you're always trying out different routes to get to the supermarket or the hardware store. But after time, you decide on the fastest route and only take that one. No more meandering. The same thing happens to couples as they become more familiar with each other sexually.

But the fastest, most efficient route is definitely not what you want in the bedroom. Focusing on the destination -- and only the obvious parts of the anatomy -- is the worst thing you can do, he says.

"The best sex emerges from whole body sensuality -- leisurely, playful, creative," says Castleman. "It has no real direction, a little of this, a little of that."

Castleman argues that men especially have a tendency to go too fast, something that's encouraged by the down-and-dirty efficiency of sex in pornography. But Castleman says that many men find that their sexual problems -- such as premature ejaculation -- subside when they learn to take their time.

"Leisurely love-making benefits everyone," says Castleman. "Women get more turned on and enjoy sex more, while men have fewer sexual problems and feel more confident about themselves in bed. Everybody wins."

Don't Worry About What Everyone Else Is Doing

According to Weston and Castleman, one of the most common questions they get is, "How much should we be doing it?" The question implies that the answer is obvious: more than I am now.

Feeling like you "should" be having a better love life is probably universal. It explains the vast number of titles about sex in the self-help section of the bookstore, and the constancy of articles about sex advertised on magazine covers at the checkout counter (or why so many people click on articles with titles like, say, "10 Secrets to a Better Love Life.")

Castleman observes that the culture we live in -- and especially its films, whether Hollywood romances or pornography -- encourages us to think that we're not living up.

So how often "should" you have sex? "There's no answer to that," says Weston. "Stop trying to decide how much sex you should have and decide how much you want."

Keep Trying

Having a better sex life will take some work. It's like this: for many people, life is an unremitting guerilla war with those extra 10 pounds that ambush you when you're not paying attention. In the same way, people can fall into a sexual rut, a "blah" love life, unless they're making an effort to keep things exciting.

You should expect that some attempts will fall flat. A stab at a sexual role-play may be rendered ridiculous by an ill-timed call and rambling answering machine message from your mother-in-law. Or maybe the aromatic candles make you sneeze violently. Trying something new is always putting you at risk of failure.

But the important thing is to keep trying anyway. Don't let self-consciousness make you play it safe. You should never accept a just average love life.

So there they are: the 10 secrets to a better love life. But, you may exclaim, I think I've heard some of these before. It's a fair point. For instance, upon reading that communication is important for a healthy love life, there is no person in America who will smack her forehead and say, "Golly, and all this time I thought not communicating was the right idea!"

Admittedly, these suggestions are not secrets. Or at least they aren't secrets like the purpose of Stonehenge or the fate of Amelia Earhart. We've read the magazines, and watched the daytime talk shows. Many of us know what we're supposed to do to have a better love life.

But if we already know this stuff, why do we keep buying the magazines and watching the TV shows that tell us what we already know? Ultimately, our good intentions fail and we lapse back into lazy habits. We let the other stuff in life take over.

So the most important suggestion for a better love life is probably the last one: Just keep trying. Making a consistent effort is the key.

"If someone says that they don't have time or energy for a good sex life, then they can't expect to have a good sex life," says Castleman. "It's that simple."

Does Solo Sex Affects Your Spouse?

Is Solo Sex Hurting Your Relationship?
By Rogger Miller | Published 08/20/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

A woman might feel neglected if her mate spends too much time watching sports on TV. But if his leisure time involves solo sex, such as masturbating, engaging in phone sex, or using the Internet to view explicit sexual images or chat with an anonymous partner, she might go through the roof. And she might post to WebMD's Sex Matters® board, where the overwhelming majority of posts concerned with a mate engaging in solo sex come from women.

Of course it's true that many women as well as men find pleasure in gratifying themselves alone. So is it cheating when the partner is left out? Psychologist Willard F. Harley of White Bear Lake, Minn., says men and women are probably hardwired to react differently. "Most women will say they want their husbands' sexual expression to be exclusively with them -- no masturbation, no pornography, no strip clubs. But men don't care if their wives look at naked men. They think it gives them license to look at naked women."

Whether solo sex is a problem for a relationship is in the eye of the beholder, says David Schnarch, PhD, director of The Marriage and Family Health Center in Evergreen, Colo. "For some couples, it's a breach. For others, it's not."

When the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre in Santa Clara, Calif., observed an increasing number of people in therapy dealing with online sexual behavior, its researchers surveyed visitors -- 86% male and 14% female -- to the MSNBC web site. The often-quoted survey showed that 64% of the 9,177 respondents were married or in a committed relationship, and 92% did not have problems related to online sexual activities. Perhaps surprisingly, most respondents said they got excited but not aroused by viewing and chatting.

Who's in Charge of Sexual Fantasies?

Solo sex can involve human interaction, as with phone sex or Internet chatting, or it can be totally private, as with masturbation. "The common traits are that the partner isn't involved and nobody is touching anybody else," says Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, a licensed marriage and family counselor/sex therapist in Fair Oaks, Calif. "Sometimes people think when they marry that they've just gotten a license to run the life of the other person, including their sexual thoughts and feelings. That's where everybody gets up in arms about solo sex."

She says individuals are entitled to their own thoughts, even that society might deem repugnant. And to police a mate's sexual thoughts and feelings is downright unrealistic. "They're in for a shock," says Weston, who also answers questions on WebMD's Sex Matters® message board.

Harley disagrees. "My basic rule for marriages is that all your sex, including fantasies, should be with each other. First, your wife will want it that way. Second, if your wife is your exclusive sexual outlet, you'll have a much better romantic relationship."

Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs, says psychologically there's a contrast effect involved in looking at other women and fantasizing about them. "Your wife can't measure up. Sex with her will be boring. But if you can avoid the temptation, every time you make love with her will be wonderful."

Limiting sex to one's partner may be contrary to human drives, he says, but as a sophisticated culture, we've agreed it's good for society to rein in certain drives. "We live in a monogamous society I'm not exactly sure we're wired for, but we've decided monogamy is a good idea," he says. "Pornography is really difficult to resist. It shows up in email every day. Erase it or get filters."

Join the Fun

Noting there are now lines of erotic videos and web sites designed for women, Weston says more and more women are enjoying explicit images. "Some women think that any porn, which I call 'explicit images,' degrades the people who made them and that the actors did it under coercion," Weston says. "That's not true. Granted there are porn mills where people are taken advantage of, but plenty of people are doing it as a legitimate business."

Instead of trying to restrict a mate's online or phone sex, she suggests joining in. "A lot of couples are going online together." One couple she counseled involved a woman who was upset because her partner didn't want sex as often as he once did. In therapy, he disclosed that he was masturbating to images online, specifically to erotic images of women having their hair cut. "The woman said, 'Let's look at it together.' Once they got it out in the open and shared it, things were fine." Weston adds, "Sex is adult play. Go play."

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Behavior

The San Jose Centre researchers described the 8% minority for whom online sex was problematical as "compulsive" and those among them who averaged 38 hours in online sexual activities as "sex addicts." Furthermore, problems correlated positively with the amount of time spent in online sexual activities.

Not all sex therapists agree with the addiction model. "I'm not a fan of the idea that people can be addicted to sex in the same way someone can be addicted to drugs," says Weston. She does feel that solo sex can become obsessive, a line that's crossed in a relationship when explicit and tacit agreements are subordinated to the obsession.

"We don't approach solo sex as either a healthy and unhealthy form of behavior," says Schnarch, author of Passionate Marriage and Resurrecting Sex. "It's a couples issue, not a medical issue. Anybody is free to decide (and usually does) what is healthy and what isn't, and usually couples are clear about it. It's relational politics: 'if I like it and it doesn't make me nervous, it's OK," or "if what you're doing makes me nervous, it's not.'"

Resolving Solo Sex Issues

Sometimes partners are so polarized on the issue of solo sex that counseling is needed. Resolving a couple's issues around solo sex is a process of helping them figure out what's going on in the relationship and what it means to them, says Schnarch. "Some therapists will take the attitude that erotica is wrong and will get involved in adjudicating proper sexual behavior in relationships. We don't. For some couples, the issue is growing up and realizing that when your partner masturbates the fantasies aren't about you. For other couples it's recognizing there's a war going on over sex in the relationship, and one person's use of erotica is either an attack or a way of balancing out having sex withheld. There are many reasons people look at erotica."