Dad's Impact on Your Career

Dad's Impact on Your Career
By Linda Lewis | Published 07/11/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

As yet, there's no such thing as "Take Your Dad to Work Day." But a psychologist maintains that most of us -- consciously or unconsciously -- bring our fathers into the workplace every day. Who's behind your need to (pick one): please the boss, find someone to blame, bark at subordinates, climb the ladder, or work harder than anyone else? Stephan B. Poulter, PhD, says it's Dad.

He spells it out in his book The Father Factor: How Your Father's Legacy Impacts Your Career. WebMD talked with Poulter, a former police officer who for 24 years has been a clinical psychologist specializing in family relationships, and two other experts about the influence fathers have on careers.

Understanding the Five Fathering Styles

Much is known about a mother's role in shaping offspring, but Poulter believes that fathers provide the model for workplace behavior. "Dad's rule book" -- the spoken and unspoken rules about work ethic, relationships, ethics, and money -- gets internalized. It may foster positive behaviors, such as a strong work ethic, but often sets up career roadblocks.

The legacy comes from the "father factor," or the type of fathering a son or daughter receives. While dads can exhibit a combination of styles, Poulter says one will dominate. He categorizes these styles as Superachiever, Time Bomb, Passive, Absent, and Compassionate/Mentor.

• Superachiever. Looking good and winning is the mantra of the Superachiever, whose legacy is shame. Their children become their own toughest critics. They expend tremendous energy hiding weaknesses, can't share their insecurities with anyone, and feel they are phonies. Poulter has a five-step strategy for becoming a "balanced achiever," at the heart of which is a lot of self-nurturing.

• Time Bomb. With a dad who explodes unpredictably, a kid learns that keeping Dad happy is goal No. 1. As an adult in the workplace, the child may be skilled at reading others' behavior but has difficulty dealing with conflict out of an insecure need to please. The first step in changing this behavior is to recognize the problem and change limiting thoughts, such as "If I'm not always nice, people won't like me."

• Passive. More than 50% of baby boomers are products of passive fathering. Such dads act more as observers than participants in their families. Emotionally they neglect the children, who respond with self-neglect and ultimately depressiondepression. Two career roadblocks loom: lack of motivation and fear of failure. Gaining insight, taking charge, and changing the internalized father factor are keys to personal and career satisfaction.

• Absent. When a father is physically or emotionally absent, it gets translated into rejection. "Kids are wired for both parents to love them," says Poulter, who describes his own father as emotionally distant. Poulter tells WebMD that absent fathers are the glue that holds juvenile gangs together, and he believes they're also responsible for widespread depression among Generation X. In the workplace, the child may have problems with authority figures, especially male bosses, and direct anger toward co-workers. Poulter offers action steps for healing the anger, which include recognizing that the absent father's legacy carries positive as well as negative influence.

• Compassionate/Mentor. This is the poster dad for effective parentingparenting -- usually someone else's dad. He doesn't drag around resentments or unfulfilled dreams. Poulter lists 10 characteristics of the Compassionate/Mentor dad that less enlightened men can learn to emulate in the workplace. These include "allowing flexibility, forgiveness, and compassion to influence management style, co-worker relations, and client relations," and "reaching a balance of assertiveness between the extremes of aggression and passivity."

Poulter has a number of checklists and exercises for recognizing and moving beyond career roadblocks. "People think they can't go beyond their legacy, but the goal of this book is to get the adult to move in the direction they've always wanted in their career, life, finances, and relationships."

Another Point of View

Brian A. Schwartz, PhD, is a psychologist who applies a psychohistorical approach to career planning. Having counseled more than 1,700 clients, he says almost all of them fail to understand how their fathers influenced their career success, failure, or satisfaction. But he believes mothers also play an important role in their offspring's workplace behavior, especially with their daughters.

"Parental influence carries a lot of weight," he tells WebMD. "The boss and co-workers become stand-ins for the family. People rise to the level of success that their self-esteem can absorb, and the roots of self-esteem are a reflection of our parents. People can be very talented, but if they don't have self-esteem, they either don't achieve or they achieve and sabotage themselves."

Regarding Dad's role, he believes the emotionally absent father does the most damage. "Emotionally, the children keep going back to a well that is empty."

But, he says additional factors, such as birth order, family dynamics, and a child's personality type, help explain the very different career levels and workplace behaviors found among siblings, something Poulter's book does not account for.

Schwartz, who is writing a book entitled Career DNA, believes that to move beyond the parental legacy requires dealing with the issues. "When men and women take the courage to have a genuine conversation with their father or mother, they find themselves released and able to go on with their lives. There's no guarantee that the parent will respond in a constructive way, but it gives them emotional lubrication to move on."

When Dad Owns Your Workplace

If Dad can affect your career even though he's miles away and has never set foot in your cubicle, imagine what it's like to work in the company Dad owns. It's like throwing the father-child dynamic in a pressure cooker. (Stir in Mom and some siblings for a really interesting mix.)

In her position as senior associate with Family Business Consulting Group, Amy Schuman lives in Chicago and travels around the country to consult with family businesses and has an opportunity to observe the roles various family members play.
"The founder of a family business has to be pretty entrepreneurial to be successful. They're usually dominant, very directive, and fast-paced. They're not very facilitative and not good developers of others."

She tells WebMD that in businesses that pass through generations, there's often a pattern of a strong founder, weak son, strong grandson, etc. "You'll hear families say the grandson is so much like the grandfather. That's because the son has to learn to accommodate the founder of the business, and the grandson can show the same spark as the founder if Dad isn't threatened."

Like Schwartz, she says siblings grow up to be very different from one another in spite of having the same father. "Siblings are the most diverse group in terms of style. It might be two who are opposite, or four who go different directions. Then the siblings have to find a way to manage that and deal with sibling rivalry if they're going to own the business."

When Dad dies, one of two things typically happens. "His ghost might hover over the business, but, I almost hate to say it, sometimes it liberates the kids so they can fully express themselves and their vision."

She explains that becoming an adult requires separating from parents, but that if kids differentiate too much in a family business, it can threaten Dad and the unity of the family. "If kids have to pay the price of their own individual identity in order to be part of a family business, it's very damaging. But if they can manage to differentiate, it's tremendous."

Going to Work Without Dad

Poulter is optimistic that adults can move beyond the father factor to realize personal and career satisfaction. He ends his book with "Seven Steps to Success":

1. Make a commitment to change.
2. Improve your self-awareness.
3. Identify your triggers.
4. Don't allow your mistakes or career setbacks to derail your commitment to change.
5. Be aware of old, familiar father factor habits.
6. Get a support system in place.
7. Determine what success looks like, and set your goals for achieving it.

The Changing Face of Fatherhood

The Changing Face of Fatherhood
By Rogger Miller | Published 08/16/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Joseph had a change of heart at age 55 and reversed his vasectomy in honor of his second wife's 30th birthday.

After being forced into early retirement at age 45, Leonard decided it was time to settle down and start the family he never had time for.

Determined not to make the same mistakes that he did with his first family, Jeff began anew with his third wife. Jeff just turned 60.
Devastated by the loss of their only son, Edward and his wife -- both in their late 40s -- decided to have more children.

For a whole host of reasons, a growing number of men are opting to become later-in-life fathers. They join the ranks of such famous older dads as David Letterman, Tony Randall, Larry King, Anthony Quinn, Woody Allen, Charlie Chaplin, Warren Beatty, Jack Nicholson, and Nobel Prize-winning author Saul Bellow.

The majority of children are still being born to men who are 20 to 34, but a December 2003 National Vital Statistics Report indicates that birthrates among fathers aged 35 to 49 increased slightly from 2001 to 2002. Between 1980 and 2002, the rate of births among fathers aged 40 to 44 went up 32%, and for fathers aged 45 to 49, 21%. For men 50 to 54, the increase was 9%.

This mirrors what New York City male fertility expert Marc Goldstein, MD, sees in his practice. "I am seeing more older men waiting longer to get married or who are divorced and remarried, [including] the CEOs who are discarding their last trophy wife for new ones," says Goldstein, a professor of reproductive medicine and urology at Weill Cornell Medical College and the surgeon-in-chief of male reproductive medicine and microsurgery at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center. Goldstein's oldest patient was 87.

Setting the Male Biological Clock

While much ado is made about women's fertility declining with advancing age, what about men?

Many men will have no problems conceiving a healthy child, but "there is quite a bit of evidence that advancing age can affect the DNA or genetic material in sperm," Goldstein says. This damage may start as early as age 35 and worsens with age. As a result, older men may father children who have higher rates of schizophrenia and/or Down syndrome, he says.

Additionally, older men may have lower sperm counts. "There is a gradual decrease in sperm, the quality is poorer, and sperm swim less vigorously, so the pregnancy takes longer to achieve," he says.

Still, "the majority of older men with healthy younger wives are able to get pregnant, and most of the time, the babies are normal," he says.

This even holds among men who have had vasectomies in the past and decide to reverse them. A recent study by Goldstein and colleagues found that vasectomy reversal is highly effective, even 15 years or more after the procedure. If a man had a vasectomy this year or 15 years ago, there was no difference in the pregnancy rate achieved following reversal.

That's not to say achieving a pregnancy and fathering a child aren't markedly easier for younger men. "If they decide they want kids, couples should do it sooner rather than later and have the man checked right from the beginning," he suggests. A semen analysis will assess sperm quality and count.

Are 50s the New 30s?

"I think there is a trend toward midlife fatherhood," says Terrence Real, founder of the Relational Recovery Institute in Cambridge, Mass., and author of several books on male emotional health.

"It's pretty clear that men in their 40s are significantly more interested in children than previous generations, and men are somewhat more interested in fatherhood from the 50s on up," Real says.

The reasons are many, he says.

"More men are engaged in second marriages, and there is often an age gap in a second marriage," he says. "If an older man takes a younger wife who does not have kids, there are very good odds he will have children."

In addition, baby boomers are revamping expectations about aging. "Men are thinking that they are in their prime at age 50," he says, adding, that "adolescence keeps getting extended, so it takes longer for men to settle down" as well.

Midlife Crisis?

Men spend decades on the conveyor belt, and now they are assessing where this conveyor belt has taken them, Real explains. If he was fairly successful, he may look around and think, "This is great, but I still feel like something important is missing."

Enter the allure of fatherhood.

"Men have woken up to the joy and enrichment of being fathers," he says.
A child is "a legacy and suggests that men have sewn their wild oats and are done running around," he says. "Fathering has hit the map, and the idea that you are really missing out without the fatherhood experience is not a myth, it's a reality."

Fueling this cultural phenomenon is a tremendous change in the positive imagery of men as fathers, including books and movies, Real explains. "Men being healed by fatherhood/fathering is depicted in several films, including Scent of a Woman, Man Without a Face, and Finding Forrester," he says.

"There are slews of films where a shut-down, reclusive, cynical man has his heart opened by a boy/child who needs him," real says. "The act of fathering can heal a damaged man."

Tick, Tick, Tick?

Midlife fatherhood "is an increasing trend," agrees Jed Diamond, founder and director of MenAlive, a men's health program, and author of several books.

"I've been seeing it more and more in friends, colleagues, and patients," he says.
Today, for a host of reasons including the economy, men are less likely to put so much of their sense of self and identity into their work, and more of them are looking to feel more connected to family and children, he says.

In addition, there had been the belief that men can have children forever, but andropause or male menopause indicates a decrease in testosterone, and there is a drop in fertility for men as well as for women, Diamond tells WebMD.

"Men are beginning to realize that ... 'if I really want children, this is the time to do it,'" he says. "Fertility decreases and men start having a greater sense of urgency."

Sugar Daddy?

A seismic shift in hormones also helps tip the scale in favor of fatherhood. "As men age, they also have a higher ratio of estrogen as testosterone wanes, so men become more "esty" -- meaning that they become more sensual, more involved in family," Diamond says.

"As a whole, I would say that men's desire for kids is less palpable then a women's desire," says New York City psychoanalyst and father Leon Hoffman, MD, director of the Pacella Parent Child Center. "Even women who never have children will find a substitute -- whether a niece or nephew or someone else -- where their maternal feelings will be played out."

Cutting a New Father Figure

Real says "one advantage is that later-in-life fatherhood is a very purposeful fatherhood, and this is a wanted child as opposed to younger men who may feel trapped by fatherhood."

But "the main roadblock to later-in-life fatherhood is physical health," Hoffman says.

"It's very different to have a baby running around when you are in the 20s and 30s and early 40s than when you are older," Hoffman tells WebMD. "The other part is that it does keep you feeling young, so for people with midlife crisis, having a child is certainly a way of rejuvenating life."

Mostly Hoffman has seen men marrying younger second wives who want to have kids and those who insist on doing it right this time. "They say, 'This time I am going to do it right,'" he says. "The danger is that they may become too controlling, or he may have been distant and working with his first set of kids and with second set, he doesn't work as hard, so is there all the time."