What Men Really Want But Won't Tell You

What Men Really Want But Won't Tell You
By Rogger Miller | Published 12/13/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

"A full shelf just for us in the medicine cabinet."

Not a two-inch-wide slot -- a whole, wall-to-wall shelf. Rescuing our razor from an avalanche of lipstick, Secret sticks, and those triangle sponge thingies is not the most fun way to start the morning. And by the way, what the hell are those triangle things for? Are you playing blocks in there?

"You waking us up in the middle of the night...completely naked."
There are two things every dude in a long-term relationship desires: excitement and nudity. And with this little move, you're killing two naughty birds with one sexy stone. Wake us up at 3 a.m. and tell us that you just had the hottest dream and can't fall back to sleep. Then watch the fog of sleep -- along with other things -- suddenly lift. "Naked is the best thing ever in bed, along with maybe pizza," says Bob Rybarczyk, 37, who lives in St. Louis. "The spontaneity of being woken up like that is what makes it exciting, assuming I could actually be coherent in the middle of the night." And who knows, your adventurousness might just inspire us to new heights of under-the-covers creativity in return.

"A free pass to skip some boring get-together."

We think your family is great. Really. How could we have anything less than affection for your brothers, sisters, and, of course, your parents, the people who raised the woman we love and adore? But here's the thing: We also love and adore lying on the couch, when the only sounds in the house are a televised baseball game and our snores. It's nothing personal, but a Saturday afternoon of pure vegetation, as opposed to making small talk at your niece's birthday party, would be the greatest gift ever. "My wife once told my in-laws that I had a stomach flu the day of a big family barbecue," says my brother, Rich, 36, from Miller Place, NY. "I felt like I was playing hooky -- it was the best! As a thank you, I didn't complain about being dragged along on her epic mall shopping trips for months after that."

"More girls' nights out."

Yep, you heard us right -- because when you go out with your best buddies, you recharge your batteries, blow off some steam, and come home a happy camper. And when you're happy, we're happy. (Plus, we all know what a few cosmos do to you when the lights click off. Growl!) And, okay, on a much less charitable note, it gives us much-needed ammunition for that "Can I spend the weekend with my buddies in Vegas?" request we'll be making in a few months.

"A chance to handle the kids solo."

We swear we won't break them. Sure, we might let them go a few feet higher on the swings than you would, but getting into a little mischief with the kiddies is one of the inalienable rights of fatherhood. Running around like maniacs, eating ice cream before lunch -- these are the kinds of bonding sessions we dream about while stuck in our dreary offices. So take the afternoon off and let us go nuts with the kids.

"To be told how manly we are when we fix something."

Even if we're only changing a lightbulb, fawn over us as if we were a greased-up Ty Pennington who just added a 4,000-square-foot walk-in closet to your bedroom. "Nothing makes a guy feel like more of a man than when his woman hands him a cold beer after he's been working hard," says Nick Stevens, 32, of Boston. "Yes, that is very 1950s, but it's the truth."

"Oral sex."
Duh.

"Acceptance of our inner dork."

"I secretly crave a woman who will dust -- without complaint or editorial comment -- my extensive collection of action figures," says painter Dave Dorman, 48, who was voted the number one Star Wars artist of all time by Star Wars Galaxy magazine. (Sorry, ladies, he's taken.) Look, we know we should have outgrown comic books and sci-fi flicks at least 15 years ago, but the fact is, we haven't. So you can make fun of us for our nerdy cravings, or you can tag along with us to the latest superhero movie and watch Hugh Jackman or Christian Bale run around in a tank top. Is that really such a chore?

"You paying the neighborhood kid to shovel the driveway before we get our fat asses out of bed."

Or, failing that, hooking us up with a cup of hot cocoa when we come back inside grumbling about moving the family to Florida. Think of it this way: Besides making our morning, that $20 you spent just bought you hours and hours of not having to hear us complain about how much our back hurts from shoveling.

"A spa treatment for you."

This might sound selfless and giving, but we have an ulterior motive. When you have silky, smooth skin, you can't wait for us to get our hands on you. And neither can we.

"You not saying how fat you think you are when you get dressed in the morning."

Who cares if you can't fit into a dress that you used to wear 15 years ago? We think you're still totally hot. "Confidence is sexy," explains Bob. Complaining that you feel fat and gross isn't. After all, we men don't all have the six-pack we want, but that doesn't stop us from acting like we're superstuds. Bottom line: Whether or not you've shed that stubborn 10 pounds you've been dying to ditch, we want you to jump our bones. And if you do, that smile you leave on our faces will give you 10 times more confidence than any infomercial diet plan ever could.

"A little dirty talk."

Doesn't matter when, doesn't matter what. Even if it doesn't make sense, a whispered sentence that includes the words "throbbing," panties," and "broom closet" will make our week.

"Someone else taking out the garbage."

Dragging that stinking Hefty bag out to the curb before the health department declares your kitchen a biohazard might seem like a small thing, but in case you haven't realized, guys are lazy bastards. Discovering that a dreaded chore has already been done is like finding a brand-new bike under the Christmas tree. We might not notice that you cut four inches off your hair and dyed it blonde, but we will notice this. And we will reciprocate. Expect us to bring you a glass of water in bed before you ask. Expect us to pick those socks up off the floor. Because if The Sopranos has taught us anything, it's that when someone does you a favor, you return it.

"You leaving the armoire doors open so we don't have to walk across the room and open them when we want to watch the TV in bed."

(See above, re: Guys are lazy bastards.)

"More nagging."

That may sound like a pile of what your neighbor's poodle left on your lawn, but honestly, there is such a thing as good nagging. If it weren't for you staying on top of how we eat, drink, and dress, most dudes would subsist on pizza and beer and live in sweatpants. We may bitch and moan about your pestering, but at the end of the day, we know that you're just looking out for us, and though we'll never admit it, that makes us feel pretty great.

"A movie theater make-out session."

"Boredom is the greatest malady affecting marriages today," says Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, host of TLC's Shalom in the Home and father of eight -- count 'em, eight -- kids. "I am a strong believer that husbands and wives have to do things that are inappropriate to break routine. Just make sure you hide from the usher." Not only will you make us feel like we're 14 again (minus the cracking voice and socially crippling acne), you'll show us that even though Brad Pitt is shirtless on the big screen, we own the only pair of lips in the world that you want to be locked with. (And if you're secretly picturing the shirtless Mr. Pitt while we're playing tonsil hockey, no harm done.)

"Fast food for dinner every once and a while."

You know how much it sucks to diet and exercise, so when we're on some kind of fitness program, throw us a bone -- preferably one covered in fried chicken -- and help us cheat occasionally. See, if we buy a 12-piece bucket ourselves, then we're weak-willed blubberbutts. But if we eat something our wives picked up as a treat, we're being gracious, appreciative husbands. You went to the trouble to pull up to a drive-through, so it'd just be hurtful not to accept your thoughtful gesture, right?