MALE BOX

Sex: Fact and Fiction

2008-01-15T00:05:00.000-08:00

What’s the average penis size? How fast is premature ejaculation? Exactly where is the G-spot? Grab a ruler and a stopwatch as the experts sort sex myths from the facts.
By Rob Baedeker
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Amal Chakraburtty, MD

If there were a roll call for the founding fathers of sex myths for men, a couple of no-brainers would surely make the list: porn legend John Holmes, whose yule-log-size penis still casts a shadow over anxiety-prone males. Ditto NBA-great Wilt Chamberlain, whose claim of having slept with 20,000 women makes Don Juan look monastic.

And then there’s purveyor-of-sex-myths Walt Disney.

“I think Walt Disney creates a lot of mythology,” says Seth Prosterman, PhD, a clinical sexologist and licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in San Francisco. “In Disney movies, people fall in love and walk into the sunset, and you get this myth that intimacy is a given once you fall in love, and sexuality is natural and follows that.”

In reality, says Prosterman, “Sex is something that we learn throughout a lifetime.”

If sexuality is a continuing education, a lot of us are scrambling to make up course credits. And in a realm that’s clouded by ego, myth and advertising that preys on anxieties, getting the facts about sex can be difficult. What is the average size of the male penis? How long do most men last during intercourse? Can men have multiple orgasms? Does the G-spot exist, and if so, how do I find it?

Penis Size: The Hard Facts

“Drastically enlarge the penis length and width to sizes previously thought impossible!” reads a website for the Penis Enlargement Patch. (One envisions a lab-coated mad scientist pouring chemicals on his own penis, then shouting ”Eureka!” and phoning the Guinness Book.) Almost anyone with an email account has been deluged by spam for such miracle-growth patches and pills, and the endurance of sex myths may explain the pervasiveness of such ads.

“We equate masculinity and power with penis size,” says Ira Sharlip, MD, clinical professor of urology at the University of California at San Francisco and president of the International Society for Sexual Medicine. “Of course, there’s really no relationship.” Still, Sharlip says, “all” of his patients want to increase their penis size.

The idea that bigger is better is “not just total mythology,” says Seth Prosterman, who has counseled couples since 1984 and notes that some of the women he’s worked with do prefer a bigger penis -- aesthetically or “fit-wise.” But, he adds, “For the vast majority of partners, penis size doesn’t matter.”
So what, exactly, constitutes a big penis? Let’s whip out some data:

• The average penis size is between five and six inches. That’s for an erect penis.

• The flaccid male organ averages around three and a half inches.

Sex Fact: We Are Not Our Penises

If you had an anxiety hiccup before you read the “erect” qualifier, consider it a metaphor for the danger of jumping to conclusions about penis size -- or about the primacy of the penis altogether.

“The idea that the penis is the most important part of your body underlies so many of men’s sexual problems,” says Cory Silverberg, a sexual health educator and founding member of Come As You Are, an education-based sex store in Toronto. “One of the biggest sex myths for men is the notion that we are our penises, and that’s all that counts in terms of sex.”

“It’s a myth that using the penis is the main way to pleasure a woman,” says Ian Kerner, PhD, a sex and relationships counselor in New York City whose book She Comes First offers a guide to “female orgasms and producing them through inspired oral techniques.” In his book, Kerner cites a study that reports women reaching orgasm about 25% of the time with intercourse, compared with 81% of the time during oral sex.

OK, OK, Size Isn’t Important. But How Can I Increase My Penis Size?

Despite the facts, the din of penis-enlargement marketing only seems to grow louder. (“Realize total and absolute power and domination in bed with your partner, with your new-found penis size and sexual performance” screams the ad for the Penis Enlargement Patch.) Men keep chasing after the mythical, mammoth-sized member.

Silverberg says male clients at his store, and in his counseling work, constantly ask him about penis pumps, whose powers of elongation, he says, are a “myth,” although he adds that some men who’ve used them report satisfaction, a phenomenon he explains this way: “I think spending more time paying attention to our genitals will probably increase our sexual health.”

Just the Facts on the G-Spot

If sex myths have such power over men’s thinking about their own anatomy, they have even more sway when it comes to female partners’ bodies -- especially the much-debated G-spot.

Named after a German doctor, Ernst Gräfenberg, who first wrote about an erogenous zone in the anterior vaginal wall, the G-spot was popularized by a 1982 book called … The G-spot. This region behind the pubic bone is often credited as the trigger for a vaginal (vs. clitoral) orgasm, and even a catalyst for female ejaculation.

At the same time, the G-spot is commonly derided as perpetuating the myth ensconced by Sigmund Freud -- namely, that the clitoral orgasm is a "lesser" form of climax than the vaginal orgasm, which requires penile penetration. As Ian Kerner summarizes, “In Freud’s view, there were no two ways about it: If a woman couldn’t be satisfied by penetrative sex, something must be wrong with her.”

The G-spot’s existence is still debated, and whether it’s fact or fiction depends on whom you ask.

“The G-spot exists,” says Seth Prosterman. “It’s a source of powerful orgasm for a percentage of women.”

“I don’t think the G-spot exists,” says Ira Sharlip. “As urologists, we operate in that area [where the G-spot should be] and there just isn’t anything there -- there’s no anatomical structure that’s there.”

Prosterman and others point out the importance of thinking of the G-spot in context -- that it may be an extension of the clitoral anatomy, which extends back into the vaginal canal. Kerner writes that the G-spot may be “nothing more than the roots of the clitoris crisscrossing the urethral sponge.”

Helen O’Connell, MD, head of the neurourology and continence unit at the Royal Melbourne Hospital Department of Urology in Australia, says, “The G-spot has a lot in common with Freud's idea of vaginal orgasms. It is a sexual concept, this time anatomical, that results in confusion and has resulted in the misconception that female sexuality is extremely complex.”

In the end, whether this debated locus of pleasure is fact or fiction may not matter that much. O’Connell, who is also co-author of a 2005 Journal of Urology study on the anatomy of the clitoris, says that focusing on the G-spot to the exclusion of the rest of a woman’s body is “a bit like stimulating a guy's testicles without touching the penis and expecting an orgasm to occur just because love is present.” She says focusing on the inside of the vagina to the exclusion of the clitoris is “unlikely to bring about orgasm. It is best to think of the clitoris, urethra, and vagina as one unit because they are intimately related.”

How Long, Part 2: How Premature Is Premature Ejaculation?

The possibilities for exploring a woman’s erogenous zones may be tremendously exciting -- which leads to another source of sex myth and male anxiety: How long can I last? And how long should I be able to last?

Premature ejaculation is “the most common form of sexual dysfunction in younger men” according to Ira Sharlip, and its prevalence is around 20% to 30% in men of all ages.

The medical method of determining premature ejaculation is called “intravaginal ejaculatory latency time” (IELT), a stopwatch-timed duration measured from the beginning of vaginal penetration until ejaculation occurs. However, Sharlip adds, this quantitative measure doesn’t tell the whole story: “There are men who ejaculate within a minute but say that they don’t have premature ejaculation. And then on other end of spectrum, there are patients who are able to last for 20 minutes, and they say they do have premature ejaculation.”

In other words, the definition of "premature" may be largely in the eye (or mind) of the beholder, and depends on a man's sexual satisfaction and his perception of his ability to control when ejaculation occurs.

If you just can’t wait for the numbers, though, a 2005 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found “a median IELT of 5.4 minutes.”

Ian Kerner says a common cutoff time used to define premature ejaculation is two minutes, but he adds that many of the men he works with “are not guys who can last a few minutes; they’re having orgasms during foreplay, or immediately upon penetrating. They have a hard time lasting past 30 seconds.”

But a quick trigger is normal, says Kerner. “Men were wired to ejaculate quickly -- and stressful situations make them ejaculate even more quickly. It’s been important to the human race. If guys took an hour to ejaculate, we’d be a much smaller planet.”

Sex therapists and physicians offer a number of techniques that can help men manage their anxiety and prolong their time to ejaculation. Several drugs -- like some antidepressants (used for off-label treatment) and topical sprays -- have been shown to extend time to ejaculation.

And, contrary to the common perception that distraction or decreasing stimulation is the answer (slow down, think about baseball), some say that giving in to sensation can help address the issue as well. “The way to learn [to last longer] is by getting used to intense stimulation,” says Prosterman, “to increase the frequency of intercourse, and feel every sensation of being inside your partner and enjoy it.”

Come Again? The Mythical Multiple Orgasm for Men

While multiple male orgasm is possible anywhere two or more men are gathered and talking, actual male multiple orgasm is another story. Unlike the more established phenomenon of female multiple orgasm, men’s claims of successive climaxes can stray into the realm of sex myth. At the very least, male multiple orgasm is difficult to verify and may depend on the definition of orgasm.

Prosterman says that the book The Multi-Orgasmic Man popularized “an Eastern meditative process that involves wrapping the PC [pubococcygeus] muscle around the prostate. There’s a valve on the prostate that switches on and off before urination and ejaculation. The PC muscle stops this valve from opening, allowing an orgasm without ejaculation. The idea is to keep doing that five or six times in a row.

“Out of hundreds of guys I know who’ve tried this,” says Prosterman, “I know only one who’s been able to do it.”

Is this man Mr. Lucky, or just prone to poetic license?

A 1989 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior recorded the testimony of 21 other men who claimed to be multi-orgasmic, but Ira Sharlip says “that doesn’t happen,” referring to the phenomenon of “multiple orgasms in succession over a short period of time -- like minutes.” And there’s no such thing as separating ejaculation and orgasm, he says.

Orgasm or Orgasm-esque?

What may be at issue here is the definition of orgasm -- which, according to a 2001 Clinical Psychology Review article, has been strikingly inconsistent. “Many definitions of orgasm “depict orgasm quantitatively as a ‘peak’ state that may not differentiate orgasm adequately from a high state of sexual arousal,” the study’s authors wrote.

In other words, those men who report multiple orgasms may be able to achieve orgasm-esque states before they hit the point of ejaculatory no-return. And many men report that strengthening the PC muscles through Kegel exercises allows them to edge closer to this “point of inevitability” without cresting the mountaintop of ejaculation and descending into the gentle valley of the flaccid and the “refractory” period, where the penis is temporarily unresponsive to sexual stimulation.

Even so, both Prosterman and Sharlip say this refractory period can be short enough that it’s possible for men to orgasm, ejaculate, recover and do it again -- and again -- during the same “session” of sex.

And if that recovery period isn’t super quick, you can still enjoy multiple orgasms -- you may just need to cancel your afternoon appointments.

Sex Fact: It’s Not Always about the Numbers

In the end, there seems to be a recurring theme in moving beyond sex myths: Don’t get too hung up on the numbers.

So often the key to sexual satisfaction is not about penis size, stamina records, or a technical isolation of the G-spot. Rather, it’s about understanding yourself and your partner’s desires and recognizing that, unlike those Disney characters, real people aren’t born with a perfect, divinely granted understanding of sex.

As O’Connell remarks on the perils of over-privileging of the G-spot, “It is best for partners to explore the precise areas that turn someone on and how a partner likes to be given pleasure. That applies to both men and women, and the idea that there is any consistent 'magic spot' in either sex is just tyrannical.”

Older Woman/Younger Man Relationships

2008-01-14T23:57:00.000-08:00

Almost one-third of women between ages 40 and 69 are dating younger men (defined as 10 or more years younger).
By Jean Lawrence
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

He was 27, she was 42. Those were the ages of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore when the couple tied the knot last year, making their highly publicized May-December romance official.

But even though their older woman-younger man relationship may be among the world's most visible, it's not that unusual anymore.

Braving "robbing the cradle" jokes, almost one-third of women between ages 40 and 69 are dating younger men (defined as 10 or more years younger). According to a recent AARP poll, one-sixth of women in their 50s, in fact, prefer men in their 40s.

It's not what you think -- the stamina or "re-boot" ability of the younger male. The women like the flexibility and sense of adventure of their more spontaneous, younger companions, Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a licensed family therapist in practice in Long Beach, Calif., and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again, tells WebMD. For their part, the men like the sophistication and life success of their older mates, she explains. The much touted idea that women peak sexually in their 30s and men in their teens does not enter into it -- most of these couples are beyond both those age periods

Other Reasons Behind This Trend

According to Tessina, other reasons underlying this expansion of everyone's dating choices include:

• Older women are looking better every day, thanks to creative medical advances and a gym on every corner.

• Women are more likely to come back on the dating market because of divorce and a longer expected life span.

• Not as many women are looking for the picket fence and two cars. Now companionship, travel, and fun are coming to the forefront.

• Women may also want a man with a less-developed career who could follow her or take care of children, if that is a factor.

• For their part, younger men often find older women more interesting, experimental, fun to talk to, financially settled, and more adept sexually.

But what about the notion that men are "hard-wired" to seek a smooth-faced, curvy receptacle for reproduction and thus are drawn to younger women? "Humans are relatively flexible species," Michael R. Cunningham, PhD, a psychologist in the department of communications at the University of Louisville, tells WebMD. "Factors other than biological can be attractive. You can override a lot of biology in pursuit of other goals."

Interestingly, Cunningham did an unpublished study of 60 women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, who were shown pictures of men aged to those decades. "The women," he says, "were more interested in men their own age or older."

As for the men, he says: "I guess it could be nice not to hang around a ditz with no knowledge of music or something like that."

Getting Over the "Shoulds"

"We have strong 'shoulds' on ways of partnering up," Kathryn Elliott, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette, explains to WebMD. "We are victims of inner-critic constrictedness. We think we should only weigh 120. We should marry people within two years of our age. We pathologize anything that isn't within those shoulds."

The key to making older women/younger man relationships work, Elliott says, is to match what she calls voltages. "Choose someone who is your voltage type -- has the same level of intensity about life. If the voltages are different, one becomes the pursuer and one the distancer. This can create pain."

Voltages are not a factor of age, she says.

"What you don't want," she explains, "is one partner wanting to go out, the other stay in; one willing to talk, the other wanting space (and silence to enjoy it)."

Dealing With the Flak

Susan Winter is co-author, with Felicia Brings, of Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance. She has been in several relationships with men up to 20 years younger than herself.

She works out a lot by her own admission (and judging by her track record in this department) and often meets partners at the gym, not the bars.
Winter tells WebMD that she and her co-author interviewed more than 200 couples for their book. Though hardly a scientific study, the research surfaced three myths such couples hear every time:

• Myth No. 1 -- "He will leave you for a younger woman." Winter says they did not find one younger man who did this, at least for a specific woman and because she was younger. "In some cases, the man wanted children," she says, "and the relationship fell apart because of that."

• Myth No. 2 -- "The woman was the seducer -- Mrs. Robinson." In all 200 cases, Winter says it was the man who initiated the contact.

• Myth No. 3 -- "It will never last." Winter said some of the couples they met had been together 25 year or more. The average length of the relationships was 13 years.

Pretty Promising Material Out There

Winter is upbeat about the younger generations. "The boomers are lost sheep," she says. "All they can do to get a woman is dangle their Porsche keys." As you peel back the decades, though, the men get "cooler," she says. Guys in their 30s get her vote. "They grew up with AIDS, they are considerate. Such men (at least the ones interested in older women) are stable and mature. They don't want to be mothered. They want a woman who knows who she is."

Still, even Winter admits, this may not be for everyone.

Is Masturbation Normal?

2008-01-14T23:52:00.000-08:00

Your Guide to Masturbation

Masturbation is the self-stimulation of the genitals to achieve sexual arousal and pleasure, usually to the point of orgasm (sexual climax). It is commonly done by touching, stroking or massaging the penis or clitoris until an orgasm is achieved. Some women also use stimulation of the vagina to masturbate or use "sex toys," such as a vibrator.

Who Masturbates?

Just about everybody. Masturbation is a very common behavior, even among people who have sexual relations with a partner. In one national study, 95% of males and 89% of females reported that they have masturbated. Masturbation is the first sexual act experienced by most males and females. In young children, masturbation is a normal part of the growing child's exploration of his or her body. Most people continue to masturbate in adulthood, and many do so throughout their lives.

Why Do People Masturbate?

In addition to feeling good, masturbation is a good way of relieving the sexual tension that can build up over time, especially for people without partners or whose partners are not willing or available for sex. Masturbation also is a safe sexual alternative for people who wish to avoid pregnancy and the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. It also is necessary when a man must give a semen sample for infertility testing or for sperm donation. When sexual dysfunction is present in an adult, masturbation may be prescribed by a sex therapist to allow a person to experience an orgasm (often in women) or to delay its arrival (often in men).

Is Masturbation Normal?

While it once was regarded as a perversion and a sign of a mental problem, masturbation now is regarded as a normal, healthy sexual activity that is pleasant, fulfilling, acceptable and safe. It is a good way to experience sexual pleasure and can be done throughout life.

Masturbation is only considered a problem when it inhibits sexual activity with a partner, is done in public, or causes significant distress to the person. It may cause distress if it is done compulsively and/or interferes with daily life and activities.

Is Masturbation Harmful?

In general, the medical community considers masturbation to be a natural and harmless expression of sexuality for both men and women. It does not cause any physical injury or harm to the body, and can be performed in moderation throughout a person's lifetime as a part of normal sexual behavior. Some cultures and religions oppose the use of masturbation or even label it as sinful. This can lead to guilt or shame about the behavior.

Some experts suggest that masturbation can actually improve sexual health and relationships. By exploring your own body through masturbation, you can determine what is erotically pleasing to you and can share this with your partner. Some partners use mutual masturbation to discover techniques for a more satisfying sexual relationship and to add to their mutual intimacy.

Reviewed by the doctors at The Cleveland Clinic Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

Sex Drive: How Do Men and Women Compare?

2008-01-14T23:06:00.001-08:00

Sex Drive: How Do Men and Women Compare?
Experts discuss the differences between male sex drive and female sex drive.
By Susan Seliger
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Cynthia Dennison Haines, MD

The simplest way to capture the differences between men’s and women’s sex drives is to consider how you’d answer this test: create a sentence using the words "sex" and "love."

If you’re a woman, odds are your sentence goes something like this: “When two people understand each other, trust each other, and love each other, then the sex is the best.” If you’re a man, chances are your sentence more closely resembles this: “I love sex.”

It’s a stereotype, it’s a cliché, and more often than not, it’s true. “We like to think of men having the higher sex drive -- it’s not always true, but more often, it is,” says Eva Ritvo, MD, vice chairman in the department of psychiatry and behavioral science at the Miller School of Medicine, University of Miami.

“Each person’s sex drive is like an appetite: Some people spend their whole life in the kitchen and think about food all the time; some people can skip lunch,” says Ritvo, who is also chair of the department of psychiatry and behavioral medicine at Mount Sinai Medical Center, Florida.

As a rule, men don’t like to skip lunch. But that’s only the beginning of the story.

What Is Sex Drive?

Sex drive -- the way men and women think about sex and engage in sex -- is a slippery concept. Researchers have a hard time quantifying it: Is it how often we think about sex? How often we want sex? How often we become aroused or actually have sex? Sex drive is all that, and more.

“Sex drive, which scientists now call sexual desire, is one of the most difficult to define,” says Patricia Koch, PhD, associate professor of Biobehavioral Health & Women’s Studies at Pennsylvania State University and adjunct professor of human sexuality at Widener University. Sexual arousal is easily identifiable -- for men it shows up as an erection, in women, lubrication (and enlargement of the clitoris).
“But desire is not just about arousal or frequency -- how often you have sex can depend on so many other circumstances and opportunities: whether you have a partner or not, whether you like your partner,” says Koch.

Some researchers have begun to question how we define sex drive -- insisting that we have only looked at it from a male model, so of course women come up short. The male sex drive model resembles a straight line: It is a “linear model of sexual response, where first they have desire, then arousal, then orgasm,” says Koch. For women, sexual interest follows a more meandering model. “Their drive is for emotional bonding and caring -- once they feel that, then they get aroused and interested,” Koch says. “Women want and enjoy a lot more sex play than men want. It takes them longer to be stimulated through sex play than men,” says Koch. What’s more pleasurable to women may be affectionate physical contact that may or may not end in orgasm, and this indirectness is not a sign of a lack of sex drive.

Here are a few things researchers do know about how men and women’s sex drives compare. Bear in mind, individuals vary from these norms. That’s what makes life -- and sex -- so interesting.

It Is Common for Couples to Experience a Discrepancy in Sex Drives

“The biggest problem I encounter in sex and marital counseling is an imbalance in sexual interest -- one partner wants more, one wants less,” says Richard Driscoll, PhD, a marriage therapist in Knoxville, Tenn. for 34 years, and author of Intimate Masquerades: A Survival Guide for Those Who Know Too Much. “The average American married five years has sex once or twice a week. That’s your average. It’s not a problem if you vary from that average -- you only have a problem when you cannot agree,” says Driscoll.

Many couples cannot agree. Driscoll says half of all marriages experience some discrepancy in desire at some point, and it’s usually men who have a higher sex drive. About one in five women report that their husbands have turned them down for sex, Driscoll says, while half of all men say their wives have turned them down.

Sex and Happiness Are Strongly Linked

“For men, we know one thing: The absence of sex makes them unhappy. For women, it is not as problematic,” says Edward Laumann, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago and lead author of The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States, the most comprehensive survey of sexual practices since the Kinsey Report.

We also know that in nationwide studies, men report that they are happier and more satisfied with their sex lives than women. “In our study of people aged 40 to 80, there was a 10- to 14-point spread between men and women reporting they were ‘extremely or very satisfied.' Women were lower in satisfaction -- across the world,” says Laumann, citing data from a 2006 international study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

Good Sex and Good Health Go Together

A fulfilling sex life leads to happiness, which in turn seems to make you healthier generally. “All our studies verify this: The more satisfied you are in sexual matters, the happier you are in general,” says Laumann. And the likelier you are to be healthy, too. “We have also found that the happy couple is more likely to be compliant with medication when physical problems come up -- so your health is likely to be better. Married people are healthier than single people,” Laumann says.

Men Think About Sex More Than Women

“When sociologists ask 'How often do you think about sex?' the responses show pretty dramatic differences between men and women,” says Laumann. “The majority of males between 18-to-59 of the U.S. population report that they think about sex at least once a day -- one third think of it several times a day. Only 25% of females report thinking about it every day,” Laumann says.

But maybe some of that difference in sex drive may simply result from the fact that what turns women on is quite different -- and less explicitly sexual -- than what turns men on. “I have had women say ‘What turns me on is when my husband cleans up after dinner and takes out the garbage -- then my interest for sex is piqued,’” says Koch.

Biology Works to Keep Women’s Sex Drive in Check

There are strong biological as well as cultural reasons why women may not be as free to pursue sex as men, even in our post-birth control, post-feminist world. In the simplest terms, women may be hard-wired to be cautious about sex because they are the ones who can get pregnant and wind up taking care of the baby.

“Pregnancy is a threatening condition for women -- it renders them vulnerable; they can’t run from predators,” explains Laumann. As a woman, “If you don’t pick your time felicitously, you get selected out of the gene pool,” Laumann says.

Males, at least young males, seem more avidly interested in sex in nearly every species in the animal kingdom, because they have everything to gain -- disseminating their genetic material -- and not much to lose, according to Richard Driscoll.

“You’ve seen dogs line up for the female in heat and cats go out in storms to tomcat around,” says Driscoll, explaining that because the males of most species invest less in offspring, they’re free to pursue opportunities for sex. The female, who will be required to invest more, does well to “go slowly and choose carefully, because she is going to have to put a lot of resources into each offspring.”

The only exceptions to this rule -- when the female, not the male, becomes the sexual pursuer -- are species such as sea horses and sea snipes (a bird) in which the males are the caretakers of the young, according to Driscoll. “In those two species, the females come on to the males, because the males are investing more” in the offspring, Driscoll says.

Taking Care of Others Can Dampen Sex Drive

“One of the most intriguing obstacles to desire is caretaking,” says Esther Perel, a couples and family therapist in New York City, and author of Mating In Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic. Women today are largely the caretakers -- of the children, the husband, and the home, even if they, too, work outside the home.

Why does this sabotage sex drive? Caretaking makes you think about others, while desire hinges on your being able to think about yourself and your own needs. “Desire is rooted in autonomy, freedom, and selfishness. If you can’t be selfish, you can’t have an orgasm,” Perel says.

Medical Conditions and Medications Can Affect Sex Drive

Any serious illness, from alcoholism to cancer and diabetes can be distracting and dampen ardor. Depression, as well as the SSRIs used to treat it, can inhibit desire. So can tranquilizers and blood pressure medications. Some women find the hormonal changes of menopause cause a drop in sex drive. Cardiovascular disease and hypertension can reduce blood flow to the body, including the genitals, and decrease sexual interest as well. Conditions such as endometriosis, fibroids, thyroid disorders, and tumors of the pituitary gland (which controls most hormone production, including sex hormones), can also have an impact on sexual drive.

Our Culture Encourages Men’s Sex Drive, Not Women’s

Socialization in our culture plays a role, too, in the disparity between men’s and women’s sex drive. “Men are encouraged to pursue sex more than women; they are taught the more you have the better; you’re more of a man if you do,” says Lonnie Barbach, PhD, a psychologist and sex therapist on the clinical faculty of the University of California, San Francisco, and author of For Yourself, For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy.

The double standard on acceptable sexual behavior for men and women, which still prevails, affects women’s sexual desire, Koch says. “I work with college women, and even though we have Sex and the Cityon TV saying you can be sexual, women still get the message that it is not OK. Men are looked at as studs if they are sexual, but the women are still called sluts,” Koch says.

Men’s and Women’s Sex Drives Work Differently

Men and women travel slightly different paths to arrive at sexual desire. “I hear women say in my office that desire originates much more between the ears than between the legs,” says Perel. “For women there is a need for a plot -- hence the romance novel. It is more about the anticipation, how you get there -- it is the longing that is the fuel for desire,” Perel says.

Men, on the other hand, don’t need to have nearly as much imagination, Perel says, since sex is simpler and more straightforward for them.

That does not mean that men do not seek intimacy, love and connection in a relationship --- they do, just as women do. They just view the role sex plays in that relationship differently. “Women want to talk first, connect first, then have sex,” Perel explains. “For men, sex is the connection. Sex is the language men use to express their tender loving vulnerable side,” Perel says. “It is their language of intimacy.”

Men and Women Approach Casual Sex Differently

Willingness to engage in casual sex “splits totally along gender lines,” says Driscoll. In a University of Hawaii study, researchers had a good-looking guy and good-looking girl approach a student of the opposite sex and talk for five minutes.

After five minutes, each student was asked one of two questions: When asked to go out on a date, male and female responses were identical: 50% of women and 50% of men said yes. But when asked to have sex, the answers couldn’t have been more opposite: 75% of the men said yes and 0% of the women said yes, according to Driscoll.

Orgasms Are Different for Men and Women

While researchers find it tricky to try to quantify issues like the differing quality of male versus female orgasms, they do have data on how long it takes men and women to get there. Men, on average, take four minutes from the point of entry until ejaculation, according to Laumann. (Well, that’s three minutes and 58 seconds longer than the average mosquito.) Women usually take around 10 to 11 minutes to reach orgasm. If they do.

That’s another difference between the sexes -- how often they have an orgasm during sex. Among men who are part of a couple, 75% report that they always have an orgasm, as opposed to 26 % of the women. And not only is there a difference in reality, there’s one in perception, too. While the men’s female partners reported their rate of orgasm accurately, the women’s male partners reported that they believed their female partners had orgasms 45% of the time.

The Number of Sex Partners -- And Affairs -- Varies by Gender, Too

For men, the median number of partners they report is six, according to Laumann’s research. The median number of partners women report is two. Some 23% of men report having 5-to-10 partners; 20% of women report that many.

“Extramarital relations are less prevalent than pop and pseudo-scientific accounts contend,” according to Tom Smith in the 2006 National Opinion Research Center report, American Sexual Behavior: Trends, Socio-Demographic Differences, and Risk Behavior.
“The best estimates are that about 3% to 4% of currently married people have a sexual partner besides their spouse in a given year and about 15%-18% of ever-married people have had a sexual partner other than their spouse while married.” However, Smith writes, married men are twice as likely to have affairs as married women.

What Can Couples Do to Get Their Sex Drives in Sync?

It is only normal for sex drive to ebb and flow, and couples should not be overly alarmed to find that their sex drives do not always match up. However, if differing levels of desire is causing consistent unhappiness for one or both partners, it is important to resolve it. “You both have to be happy with your level of sexual activity,” says Barbach.

1. Talk it over in a calm, neutral setting.

Start talking -- but not right after one person has just been turned down in his or her romantic advances. Wait for a neutral time and do it in a non-charged setting -- outside the bedroom. If opening the conversation feels awkward, get a book about sex and read it together. Look at the pictures, laugh -- break the tension. Let your partner know that you’re open to making things better between you. That’s half the battle.

2. Avoid name-calling.

He is not a “sex fiend” just because he wants more, and she is not a “nymphomaniac” if she wants more, or “frigid” when she wants less. If you are in a committed relationship, and you want it to work, you both have to recognize that it is perfectly normal for sex drives to differ. The important thing is for you both to enjoy the sex you have together -- however and whenever you do.

3. Both parties have to give a little.

Therapists seem divided about who has to try to adapt his or her sex drive to the other’s. “Whoever wants more sex is the one who has to make the most adjustments,” insists Driscoll. Other therapists say the opposite: “The general rule of thumb in sex therapy is that the person with the least desire has to figure out how to enjoy it more -- have more sex, come to a negotiation,” says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington and past president of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. Clearly, the best thing to do is meet in the middle.

4. Allow for physical affection that does not lead to sex.

Go out of your way to touch each other in affectionate, but not explicitly sexual ways. Do not let a day go by when you do not say hello or goodbye with a kiss. Touch each other playfully as you pass in the hall. Cuddle with the clearly-stated agreement that this will not lead to sex so as to take the pressure off the less libidinous partner. Hug until you feel relaxed. These tokens of affection will build the bond between you -- and the electricity as well.

5. Schedule sex dates.

Knowing that on a designated day, you will be having sex, will bring relief to both parties. No one has to face the humiliation of being rejected, or the anguish and guilt of disappointing their partner.
Yes, you have to give up the notion that sex is only hot when it’s spontaneous. But a sure thing can be just as satisfying. And the process of planning can build anticipation. Take pleasure in the details, from the mood music to the lingerie, and make sure there will be no interruptions for at least two hours.

6. Court your partner -- presents help.

“Men have to court women with gifts and good manners to get them in the mood -- every animal in every species does it,” says Driscoll. Among chimpanzees, he says, “the male gives the largest share of the kill to a fertile female” so he can be assured of sex.

Though perhaps found less in nature, men like presents, too. Both partners need to remember how solicitous they were of each other when they first met and always strive for that kind of respect and generosity of spirit.

7. Try whole-body stimulation -- and take it slow.

For men, sexuality tends to be focused disproportionately on the genitals. Slowing lovemaking down and focusing on the other erogenous zones can give a woman the time she needs to become aroused and receptive, and can help ease performance pressures for men. Be pleasure oriented not goal oriented.

8. Surprise fuels sex drive.

Be imaginative and playful. Change rooms, try the couch. Take a look at some of the newer erotic literature and films that include female fantasies as well as male. Share your fantasies with each other -- acting them out only if both of you are comfortable with the scenario. A fantasy doesn’t have to be anything more than imagining what you wish someone would do to give you pleasure. Start small … and build.

9. Reduce Stress in Your Lives

Stress can be the ultimate sex drivesapper. Help each other play more and work less -- go for hikes, take long weekends away. Even if things are going badly at work or with the kids, try to separate those issues from what is going on between you as a couple. “Desire is a healthy form of entitlement -- when you don’t feel deserving, you shut down,” Perel says. And once you’ve helped each other relax a little, remember sex itself can be an excellent stress-reliever.

10. Get outside help

People go to golf and tennis clinics -- so why not sex therapy to improve your game in the bedroom? Also consult a doctor to see if there may be a medical reason behind your dissatisfaction with your sex drive. There may be alternative drugs for depression and other conditions that can have less of an impact on sex drive. And just as poor health inhibits male and female sex drive, good health resulting from increased exercise and improved diet can help restore libido.

Published February 2007.

Great Sex Unzipped

2008-01-14T22:55:00.000-08:00

So How’s Your Sex Life? Here Are 6 Tips for Making It Great
By Josh Sens
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Sheldon Marks, MD

Was it good for you?

If you’re like a lot of men, chances are it wasn’t. At least, the sex wasn’t as good as you think it could have been.

You were addled with anxiety, plagued by concerns over your performance, and worried about the worthiness of your physique during lovemaking. Even if the act achieved the idealized heights of a Hollywood screenplay -- she melted at your touch, you thundered like a stallion, you writhed in unison to volcanic climax -- you still harbor suspicions: You’re pretty much certain you’re not getting it as often as everyone else.

For creatures so famously consumed by thoughts of sex, men remain remarkably confused about what great sex is and how to have it. We’re shadowed by self-doubt, and clouded by myths and misperceptions. It’s not just about our mind-set. We men could also work on our mechanics. Mentally and physically, we’re hampered, hindered. We’re impeded on our path to greater sexual pleasure.

To rephrase a famous question: Can’t we all just have great sex?

Of course we can. But first we should decide what great sex is.

“Great sex is in the eye of the beholder, or the be-hander,” says Patti Britton, a clinical sexologist and author of The Art of Sex Coaching. “For some men, it might be the ability to produce fantabulous multiple orgasms in their partner. For other men, it might mean being able to last three minutes. Being a great lover means becoming a great lover to your particular partner, and that requires doing something very difficult: opening your mouth.”

Great Sex Tip 1: Take Up Pillow Talk

Right. The mouth. Useful for kissing and other orally administered forms of arousal (none of which should be underestimated), it’s also a tool for communication. Try it. Tell her what you want. Ask her what she likes. Shoot for trust and openness.

“If you get to know yourself and your partner, you’ll have a much more erotic and explosive sexual relationship,” says Joy Davidson, a New York-based psychologist and sexologist, and the author of Fearless Sex.

Great Sex Tip 2: Don’t Believe Locker Room Talk

When men do talk, they often puff themselves up to their peers. Less apt than women to discuss their insecurities and more inclined to exaggerate their exploits, men paint distorted pictures of their sex lives for one another.

“A lot of men wind up thinking that their sex life is missing something, that other men are having wilder sex or more frequent sex,” Davidson says. “They have a sense that the pleasure ship has sailed and left them behind.”

According to Michael Castleman, a San Francisco-based sex expert and author of Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex, the average frequency of sex in committed long-term relationships is roughly once every 10 days.

Great Sex Tip 3: Don’t Compare Your Sex Life With Porn

Not everything men know about sex they learned from pornography. But a lot of it they did. And that can be a problem. Populated as it is by flawlessly formed women and men with etched abs and equine endowments, adult entertainment makes many guys wonder: What am I doing wrong? Or, more to the point: What’s wrong with me?

“One of the most destructive myths of porn is that it convinces so many guys that they’re too small,” Castleman says. “They forget that pornography is self-selecting…These are not average men. They’re the extreme end of the scale.”

Some of the other fictions that porn perpetuates are the idea that women are always primed and ready (“in the real world,” Davidson says, “people do say ‘no’”); that the same moves work on every partner; that satisfying sex always culminates in orgasm.

There are positives to porn -- it can, for example, inspire us to greater sexual exploration. But when Debbie Did Dallas, she also did damage to the way men often think about sex.

“I’m not going to stand in the way of your watching porn, as long as you’re aware that it’s not reality,” Castleman says. “It’s like watching a car chase in an action movie. It’s exciting. It’s entertaining. But everyone knows it’s not the way to drive.”

Great Sex Tip 4: Focus on Pleasurable Sensations

While we’re on driving, let’s talk about commutes. And cubicles. And computers. And the demands and distractions of our daily lives.

Stress is an enemy of great sex. So is anxiety about performance. Minimizing both helps maximize your enjoyment of your partner. “If we can quiet our monkey-minds, put a stop to that ceaseless inner-chatter, we can open ourselves up to better sex,” Britton says.

She recommends that men adopt a mantra: FOPS, or Focus on Pleasurable Sensations.
“There are techniques ranging from eye-gazing to massage and synchronized breathing that help keep you in the moment,” Britton says. “Great sex happens in the present. It doesn’t happen in the future, like worrying about how quickly you’re going to come.”

Great Sex Tip 5: Focus Less on Size and More on Other Matters

“I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t matter,” Davidson says. “There are plenty of women for whom it absolutely does. But I prefer to focus on the idea of the right fit.”

No two people are built the same, and it helps to have compatible body parts. For some women, men of modest size may be a perfect fit. It’s a matter of physiology and personal preference. But perfect-fitting penetration isn’t the only path to satisfying sex. Focus on foreplay. Concentrate on kissing, cooing, caressing -- the full panoply of sexual pleasure giving.

“A lot of women are very responsive to a man’s voice during lovemaking,” Davidson says. “If a man has verbal facility and can entice a woman through his voice, that can become a powerful part of his repertoire.

Great Sex Tip 6: Schedule Sex. Really.

What sounds rote and dreary can actually be dreamy, says Michael Castleman, who recommends the strategy especially to couples in long-term relationships, who’ve passed the can’t-keep-their-hands-off-each-other phase.

“There’s this powerful mythology that says you should fall into each other’s arms spontaneously, with string music playing and the sun setting in the West, and if that doesn’t happen there’s something wrong with you,” Castleman says. “Nonsense. Real life doesn’t work that way.”

Rather than heightening the pressure to perform (“It’s now, or never!”), scheduling can actually make sex more relaxing. You can develop sensual rituals, make romantic gestures in anticipation of your encounter. You can give each other massages or take a shower together.

Castleman says that scheduling sex also eliminates conflict over desire differences.
“People say, ‘What if I’m not in the mood?’ Well, one of the things about relationships is that you sometimes make compromises. But what astonishes people once they start scheduling sex is that they can actually enjoy it.”

Male Enhancement: Is It Worth a Try?

2008-01-14T22:25:00.000-08:00

Nonpresciption methods of male enhancement and male enlargement range from the possibly effective to the downright dangerous.
By Richard Sine
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

Our email inboxes fill up every day with advertisements for pills, ointments, supplements, and contraptions aimed at enhancing penis size, sexual stamina, or libido. It’s a testimony to men’s abiding insecurities about sexual performance. The question is, do any of these “male enhancement” techniques really work?

Richard, a mechanic from upstate New York, is a muscular, athletic guy. He has a loving wife who has always enjoyed their sex life. But ever since he was a young boy, Richard couldn’t get over the feeling that his penis was too small. In public bathrooms, he’d use the handicapped stall. He felt embarrassed in gym locker rooms and when standing naked before his wife. “I didn’t feel manly enough,” he tells WebMD.

Then, in the back of a weightlifting magazine, he saw an ad for the FastSize Extender, a device that claims to make the penis longer and fatter through traction. Richard began wearing the device almost eight hours a day, every day. He was shocked to notice a difference within a few days. After four months of wearing the device, he says his flaccid penis has stretched from 3 inches to over 5 inches; erect, he has gone from less than 6 inches to over 7 inches. The device cost $298, but Richard says the effect on his self-confidence has been priceless: “It made a world of difference to me.”

The FastSize Extender, though not extensively tested, has received some validation from mainstream medical sources. But that makes it a true rarity among the nonprescription methods of male enhancement. Most are a waste of money, and some are downright dangerous, doctors say.

Instead of furtively turning to untested methods, men with persistent concerns should consider opening up about them with their doctors. That’s because performance problems sometimes act as an early warning signal for serious health problems. Your doctor might be able to prescribe something that can really help, or least provide a valuable dose of perspective about what constitutes “normal” sexual performance.

Links Between Sexual and Overall Health

Sexual performance declines naturally as men age, doctors say. But a rapid or severe decrease in performance or libido can be a red flag. Most importantly, erectile dysfunction may be an early predictor of heart disease.

Atherosclerosis, a condition in which fatty deposits build up inside arteries, may restrict blood flow to the penis and cause erection difficulties. “The small blood vessels that go to the penis can become diseased much earlier than the [larger] vessels that go to the heart,” Karen Boyle, MD, a urologist at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, tells WebMD. “In younger or younger middle-aged men, ED is often the first sign of atherosclerosis.”

For men with ED who are at risk of heart disease, prescribing Viagra or its cousins isn’t enough, Boyle says. These men should be also be controlling their weight and cholesterol level, limiting their alcohol intake, and quitting smoking. Evidence shows that these changes in themselves can have a positive effect on sexual function, Boyle says.

Sometimes men with erection problems or a diminished libido have low levels of testosterone, Boyle says. Testosterone deficiencies can also affect mood and energy levels. Boyle tests for testosterone levels and prescribes it as a topical gel, though she warns it is only safe when prescribed and monitored by a physician. Nonprescription testosterone, such as the kind used by some bodybuilders, is dangerous, she warns.

For men with performance issues who are physically healthy, Boyle often prescribes counseling, such as marriage counseling for men with relationship issues or psychiatric help for men who are preoccupied with a problem in penile appearance. For young men with sexual performance problems and no signs of physical problems, Boyle may prescribe counseling and a low dose of Viagra as they work out issues of insecurity. “They need reassurance from a physician that everything is OK,” she says.

The Quest for a Bigger Penis

The FastSize Extender device promises results, but it’s far from quick and easy. Just ask Bob, a retail manager from New Jersey. He says he’s gained over 2 inches of erect length. All it took was 25 months and over 2,600 hours wearing the device, typically five hours a day, seven days a week. “I was afraid my girlfriend would think I was a freak, but she was supportive because she felt a difference in her satisfaction and I felt more confident in myself,” Bob tells WebMD.

Richard, the mechanic from New York, got results faster than Bob, but still wore the device under his clothes for about eight hours a day. Richard’s wife has also been supportive. “I see a more confident man in front of me from using this product,” she says. She also says the lengthening has enhanced their sex life, though she had no complaints before.

Chicago urologist Laurence A. Levine, MD, director of the male fertility program at Rush University Medical Center, tested the FastSize Extender on 10 men afflicted with Peyronie’s disease, which can cause bending and shrinkage of the penis. At the end of the six-month study, which was funded by the maker of the FastSize Extender, Levine found increased penile length and reduced curvature in every man and increased girth in seven of the men. Calling the results “remarkable,” Levine now prescribes the device to many of his Peyronie’s patients and reports no significant complications.
(Levine has also worked as a paid consultant to FastSize Extender.)

Could FastSize work on men of normal penile length? Levine says it might. “If a woman can have a breast enlargement and it makes them psychologically feel better,” he reasons, “then perhaps we should have the same thing for men.”
Penis-lengthening surgery is also an option for men, but it is a highly controversial procedure. The American Urological Association says a common form of lengthening surgery (involving cutting the suspensory ligament of the penis) has not been shown to be safe or effective. The group also refuses to endorse surgeries that inject fat cells in the penis with the goal of increasing penile girth.

Many doctors question whether the benefits of lengthening surgery outweigh the risks. A 2006 study found that only 35% of men were satisfied with the outcome of surgery, which added only half an inch, on average, to length. Men who are overly preoccupied with penis length tend to have unrealistic expectations of surgery and should seek counseling instead, the authors wrote.

Thousands of years before Viagra, men were consuming everything from horny goat weed to powdered rhino horn in hopes of boosting sexual performance. The remedies persist for men who can’t get their hands on prescription drugs like Viagra or who prefer “natural” cures.

But many doctors are wary of traditional medicines. When Boyle’s patients come to her with bottles of herbal supplements, she tells them she cannot vouch for their safety or effectiveness unless the FDA has reviewed the claims on the label.

No herbal remedy can restore erections like Viagra and its prescription counterparts, says Steven Lamm, MD, an assistant professor of medicine at New York University and author of The Hardness Factor. But Lamm says these remedies may be appropriate for men who have experienced a decline in sexual performance but do not suffer from a diagnosable sexual problem. Lamm has endorsed an herbal remedy, marketed under the Roaring Tiger label, that combines horny goat weed and other herbal extracts with the amino acid L-arginine. (The supplements are made by the same company that makes the FastSize Extender.)

The Way to Happiness in Bed

The Internet is rife with scammers who seek to prey on men’s insecurities, Levine says. “All the pills, topical creams, and gels are worthless. Many men would clearly rather spend $20, $50, $100 on the Internet than go to the doctor and get real information.”

In some cases, men are harming themselves in the pursuit of a bigger penis. Levine cites “jelqing,” a technique involving hours and hours of intense stroking. He says he has patients who have developed Peyronie’s disease due to violent stretching of the penis through jelqing.

It’s ironic that the male preoccupation with enhancement seems to be independent of the needs of women, the supposed benefactors of improved sexual performance. A recent study found that 85% of women are pleased with their partner’s penis proportions, but 45% of men say they want a larger penis. Given that the vast majority of men fall within a certain penis size -- about 5.5 to 6.2 inches long when erect -- most men fall within the normal range.

And there’s plenty of debate on whether size matters at all. The most sensitive nerves in the vagina are found close to the surface, Lamm notes, and the clitoris is found on the vagina’s outside. So there should be plenty of ways to satisfy your partner that have nothing to do with pills, creams, surgery, or devices.

Sex Better Than Money For Happiness

2008-01-14T06:51:00.000-08:00

Sex Better Than Money for Happiness
More Money Doesn't Mean More Sex, but More Sex Can Make You Feel Richer
By Sid Kirchheimer
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD

Good news for folks whose bedrooms have more activity than their bank accounts: Research shows that sex is better for your happiness than money.

That's not to say that being financially poor but sexually active is the secret to a happy life. But despite common theory, more money doesn't get you more sex, say "happiness economics" researchers.

After analyzing data on the self-reported levels of sexual activity and happiness of 16,000 people, Dartmouth College economist David Blachflower and Andrew Oswald of the University of Warwick in England report that sex "enters so strongly (and) positively in happiness equations" that they estimate increasing intercourse from once a month to once a week is equivalent to the amount of happiness generated by getting an additional $50,000 in income for the average American.

"The evidence we see is that money brings some amounts of happiness, but not as much as what economists might have thought," says Blanchflower. "We had to look to psychologists and realize that other things really matter."

Rich Man, Poor Man: What's the Difference?

Their paper, "Money, Sex, and Happiness: An Empirical Study," recently published by the National Bureau of Economic Research, essentially puts an estimated dollar amount on the happiness level resulting from sex and its trappings.

Despite popular opinion, they find that having more money doesn't mean you get more sex; there's no difference between the frequency of sex and income level. But they do find sex seems to have a greater effect on happiness levels in highly educated -- and presumingly wealthier -- people than on those with lower educational status.

Overall, the happiest folks are those getting the most sex -- married people, who report 30% more between-the-sheets action than single folks. In fact, the economists calculate that a lasting marriage equates to happiness generated by getting an extra $100,000 each year. Divorce, meanwhile, translates to a happiness depletion of $66,000 annually.

Whether that hefty happiness income boost is the result of marital bliss or more sex is up for debate. But their "econometric" calculations confirm what psychologists have long known: People who consider themselves happy are usually richer in sexual activity.

"Many studies confirm that people who are depressed have less sex," says psychologist and sex therapist Robert Hatfield, PhD, of the University of Cincinnati and a spokesman for the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. "Conversely, if you're not depressed -- 'happy,' as some might say -- you're more likely to have more frequent sex."

Does sex lead to happiness, or are happy people just more likely to lead each other to the bedroom? That's still under investigation, but there is evidence that psyche and sex feed off each other.

Older Men, Younger Women: Will It Work?

2008-01-14T06:45:00.000-08:00

Older Men, Younger Women: Will It Work?
WebMD Feature

Dec. 11, 2000 -- When Tamara Latorre met her boyfriend, she was 32 and he was 43. That is, he said he was 43. They met online, so how could she know for sure? After their first rendezvous in person, he confessed: he was 52. The 20-year age difference between them didn't trouble her. She'd already fallen for him.

Three years later, they're happily living together on a four-acre horse farm in southeastern Massachusetts. The age difference doesn't show up when they're riding horses or racing down the slopes on a ski vacation. The gap appears when they talk about their future.

Eager to get the education she missed when she was younger, Latorre is enrolled full-time in college and plans to go to law school as well. A mother of four -- her oldest is 12 -- she is preparing to launch a career for the first time. Her boyfriend, meanwhile, is on the downside of his working life. Until he got divorced recently and his expenses went up, he thought that at this point in his life, he would be retired from his work as a dentist. Now his goal is to retire as soon as he can. He's got three kids: one in college, one about to start college, and one who is 10 years old.

When Latorre spends her evenings studying, he sometimes complains that she's ignoring him, she says. "I tell him I'm doing this so you can retire and I'll be able to earn money for us," she says. They've worked out a compromise. She studies only on weeknights and he often joins her. "I read him philosophy and he helps me figure out what the heck they're talking about."

The May-December story

While no statistics are readily available, older man-younger woman couples have long existed and may be becoming more prevalent and more socially acceptable. In certain Hollywood and corporate circles, especially among financially successful men, the practice is so common that these younger women, usually second wives, have been given the disparaging nickname of "trophy wives."

Medical advancements are helping this merger of the generations become more realistic than ever. Erectile enhancing drugs such as Viagra have allowed many older men to continue an active sex life. At the same time, new fertility treatments have extended the childbearing years for women, making possible families like that of author Saul Bellow, who became a father at age 85 this year when his 44-year-old wife gave birth.

"The concept of what age means in our society is changing very rapidly," says Ian Alger, MD, clinical professor of psychiatry at Weill Medical College of Cornell University. With many men rejecting the idea that they should retire at age 65, older men are discovering they feel vigorous enough to mate and even to start new families, he says. The Internet has been a rich meeting ground, since it lets people communicate without revealing their ages. "It brings everybody into the marketplace of life," he says.

Sometimes, people aren't even looking for the right partner online; it just happens. When Tamara Latorre first started chatting online with her now-boyfriend, she says she paid no attention to age. "I had absolutely no expectations of meeting him."

The challenge of May-December

While these pairings can bring great joy, they often carry unique challenges, experts say. First among them is that the average life expectancy for men is now 73.6 years, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, compared to a life expectancy for women of 79.4 years. An age difference of 15 or 20 or 35 years early in life may seem insignificant, but over time the age gap can mean that the younger woman is nursing an ill or dying husband just when she's in midlife and eager to be active. "We're dealing with two people in different stages of the life cycle," says Harvey Rubin, MD, clinical professor of psychiatry and director of continuing education at the Yale School of Medicine.

Trying to merge these cycles may involve reconciling to the fact that the woman will be left to raise a child by herself. One couple Rubin saw in private practice met when she was in her early 20s and he was in his late 50s, a dashing and successful businessman and musician. "She promised him she'd never want children," reports Rubin. "Well, he became a father at 82." Because of heart trouble, he's not able to help much with the child, who is now 3. "Their marital relationship is really nil," says Rubin. "He's been ill and needs her help."

The stability factor

Despite the problems the age difference can bring, the gap often does have perks for the younger partner, including financial stability. While a younger woman may end up being the caretaker of her older husband, the relationship may have begun with the premise that an older, more financially successful man will provide status, safety, and security for a young woman.

Christopher Zuckowski, 48, a federal employee in Maryland, has no problem with this. He clearly states that, in addition to love, what he offers is stability for his 22-year-old fiancée and her two children. "My primary goal is that she and her kids have a good life," he says. Much of this stability comes from the fact that he is old enough to be established in his career.

The intolerance factor

While couples often work out the age gap, their families and friends may still not be very accepting. Zuckowski's age is a problem, for instance, with his soon-to-be in-laws: he's older than they are. The three have not yet met, although the couple is engaged.

Tamara Latorre also has been on the receiving end of social disapproval. When she and her boyfriend are at the movie theater, they often run into couples who knew him when he was married. Some of these couples are friendly to her, while others clearly disapprove.

"The husband walks over and the wife stands there glaring," says Latorre.

Working it out

While these social snubs can be painful, they often can be shrugged off. More difficult are conflicts at home. Younger women may expect their mate to be their best friend, while older men may not be up to the psychological task, says Charles D. Hill, PhD, professor of psychology at Whittier College in Southern California. In lieu of verbal intimacy, sex may be a couple's bond, but with age and illness, the man's sexual performance may suffer, he says. It is imperative that the couple find other means of sexual pleasure and other common interests as well, he says.

At its best, the end of life can be another path for intimacy. The couple accept that part of the deal of being of different generations is caring for each other, come what may. Some couples rise to the challenge and experience new intimacy. "Life brings its ups and downs," says Ian Alger at Cornell University. "Many people shoulder this burden and are partners for better or for worse."

These are the partners who have truly bridged the two or three decade gap in ages -- and met in the middle.

Jane Meredith Adams has been a staff writer for The Boston Globe and has written for numerous other publications. She is based in San Francisco.

Sexual Foreplay: What’s in It for Men?

2008-01-13T23:32:00.000-08:00

Sexual foreplay means more sex. And that’s something any guy can get into
By Sean Elder
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Sheldon Marks, MD

Dates that end with lovemaking often begin with dining out, so that the meal itself can be seen as a form of sexual foreplay -- in more ways than one. How many times has this happened to you: You take your woman out to dinner at a nice restaurant. The waiter takes your drink orders and tells you of the specials, a busboy brings you a choice of savory breads, and you get down to the business of perusing the menu. Your eye is on the right side of the page -- steak? lobster? steak and lobster? -- when your date announces, “I think I’ll just have a salad and a couple of appetizers.”
At this juncture you might say something like, “Are you crazy? You’ll be starving later!” But she insists she knows her appetite and enough of those little things make, for her, a full and satisfying meal.

So it is with sexual foreplay. A lot of men don’t think they’ve had sex unless they have had full-on sexual intercourse -- the meat and potatoes of many men’s sex lives, if not the steak and lobster. Skeptical as they are of the nourishment value of the proverbial small plates, they tend to rush toward the entrée and insist they’re not really dining otherwise. They don’t see the value of sexual foreplay in lovemaking -- the well-placed nibble and stroke, the suckle and bite -- even if that is what women often want.

Or at least that’s what they say about us. “It kind of depends how much these people read,” Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and board-certified sex therapist in Fair Oaks, Calif., says of men’s attitudes about lovemaking and sexual foreplay. “If they are at all readers, they are likely to have come across the idea someplace that most women enjoy the idea of foreplay.”

Why Men Have a Fear of Foreplay

If you missed that article in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, you are not alone. A sensitive, well-read man may indeed have encountered this notion of sexual pleasure, but most of us have probably filed it under Forget. “I think it’s fair to say men are still afraid of women’s bodies,” says Mark Epstein, MD, a psychiatrist in private practice in Manhattan and author of Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life. “Exploration of female sexuality is still something that can be perfected.”

And some of us are working on perfecting it, even if it’s just with one woman. But why the fear of sexual foreplay? “Most men are hung up on the fear of losing their erection,” says Epstein. “It dominates their mind during the act of sex. They’re really preoccupied with themselves, or they are in some kind of dance with themselves.”

Based on her own practice, as well as her experience as author of the Sexual Health: Sex Matters blog, Weston concurs. “If men have a worry about losing an erection, they tend to sometimes rush to insert for intercourse,” she says. “They can skip over foreplay or make it extremely brief because they’re just thinking about maintaining that erection above all else.” It is as though the act of sex is a performance and they will be judged on the quality and longevity of their erection -- while the irony is that, if you please your woman in other ways, she does not care how hard you are and the imaginary American Idol judges vanish.

“The erection has its own cycles and some men are intolerant of that,” says Epstein. “That’s why they like Viagra: It takes that insecurity away.” Indeed, a lot of sex therapists approve of Viagra and its erectile dysfunction cousin, Levitra, as a sort of antianxiety drug. “It gets men over a certain kind of hump,” Epstein continues, while the more long-lasting Cialis precludes the quick-before-it-melts anxiety some men experience after popping Viagra.

How to Make Sexual Foreplay Work for You

Meaning that if you are worried about your erection electing to vanish, you can have your cake (or steak) and give her those appetizers too. “Some men have problems with rapid ejaculation,” says Weston, citing another oft-encountered reason for avoiding sexual foreplay. “Sometimes they’ll go for an early insert, if you will, then hope that there might be enough interest from their partner that there might be a round two later, and there might be some foreplay in between those two intercourse times.”

Does that make it interplay? Regardless, not all women want the same thing, as you may have read somewhere. Weston counseled one couple in which the woman wanted the wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am while her older mate (well-trained by earlier women, no doubt) liked to linger longer. She ultimately ended up leaving him, and for the women who may be reading this: No, I do not have his number.

“He was there going, ‘But what’s wrong with this?’” recalls Weston. “’Why not take our time?’ She kind of had a heat-of-the-moment erotic pattern, the way it is often portrayed in movies.”

Sexual Foreplay and Lovemaking: What’s Your Hurry?

Pop culture is surely another culprit. How many quickie sex scenes (on the train, in the bathroom, on the kitchen table?) have you seen in movies and cable shows? Too seldom do they show the women’s frustration afterwards; it would slow down the plot. But there is no downside to slowing down the storyline in your lovemaking. In fact, there may be fringe benefits in the foreseeable future.

“They’re missing out on the time they can spend having sex,” says Weston of the men who regularly forego sexual foreplay in order to cut straight to intercourse. “Unless they’re really short on time or sleep, it seems to me that the extra minutes are only a plus. They’re also probably missing out on goodwill coming from their partner.”
You can call that dessert.

Laughter and Sex Connection

2008-01-12T03:43:00.000-08:00

Why Do We Laugh?
By Linda Lewis | Published 09/12/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Whether you snort, cackle, chortle, or have a wild, weird little giggle, you have a "laugh print," a personal signature that's too, too you.

Laughter is so basic to humans, we barely notice it -- unless it totally pleases or absolutely annoys us.

But laughter has power -- the power to energize the hum-drum, add levity to the everyday blah-blah-blah. Laughter carries such a social connection that it's a mating ritual, a way to bond. Studies suggest that laughter may boost our health.

Our all-too-human laughter sets us -- and our close cousins, the primates -- apart from all other species that roam our planet, says Robert R. Provine, PhD, a behavioral neurobiologist at the University of Maryland in Baltimore.
"Think about it the next time you walk through woods listening to the odd cries and calls of the creatures that live there: When you laugh, those creatures are hearing sounds that are just as odd and just as characteristic of our own species," he writes in his book, Laughter: A Scientific Investigation.

No Laughing Matter

Provine has spent a decade studying laughter. It's the best way to understand human behavior, he tells WebMD. "Laughter is a mechanism everyone has; laughter is part of universal human vocabulary. There are thousands of languages, hundreds of thousands of dialects, but everyone speaks laughter in pretty much the same way."
Everyone has the capacity to laugh. Children born deaf and blind are able to laugh. Babies laugh long before they acquire speech. Even apes have a form of "pant-pant-pant" laughter.

Laughter is primitive, an unconscious vocalization, Provine says. "In laughter we emit sounds and express emotions that come from deep within our biologic being -- grunts and cackles from our animal unconscious," he writes.

Do you seem to laugh more than others? It's likely genetic, he explains.
Consider this story: One set of "giggle twins," separated at birth, was not reunited until 40 years later.

"Until they met each other, neither of these exceptionally happy ladies had known anyone who laughed as much as she did," Provine reports. "Yet, both were reared by adoptive parents they described as undemonstrative and dour. These gleeful twins probably inherited some aspects of their laugh sound and pattern, readiness to laugh, and perhaps even taste in humor."

The Sex Connection

Because laughter is largely spontaneous and uncensored, it is a powerful probe into social relationships, writes Provine. Laughter can make people seem warm or authoritative, cooperative or ineffectual, or just plain obnoxious.

Tickling has long been the trigger that creates laughter, something even the ancients knew, says Provine. Tickling itself is an interesting phenomenon, he points out. When parents tickle an infant or a child, it's to evoke laughter.

In fact, tickling is much the same behavior as the rough-and-tumble play of apes. "Except when apes laugh, it's a pant-pant-pant kind of sound rather than ha-ha-ha," he points out.

Among adults, tickling is an important part of foreplay. "Mention tickling, and people may have an image of being held down by older brother. But they forget that tickling is also part of a rough and tumble in sack." Well, a gentler form of tickling certainly is, he clarifies.

Provine has studied male/female laughter patterns. In one series of "urban safaris," he set out to study humans in their natural habitat of shopping malls, city sidewalks, and the university student union -- documenting 1,200 laugh episodes.

His findings: Speakers laugh more than their audiences -- 46% more. The effect was even more striking when females were doing the talking. They laughed 126% more often than the guys they were talking to.

"Female speakers are enthusiastic laughers whoever their audience may be," writes Provine. "Male speakers are pickier, laughing more when conversing with their male friends than with an audience of females. The least amount of speaker laughter occurred when males were conversing with females."

The social aspect of laughing was striking, he says. People laughed about 30 times more when they were around others than when they were alone. Compare that to other social interactions: People smiled more than six times more and talked more than four times more in social than solitary situations.

Like small talk, laughter plays a somewhat similar role in social bonding, solidifying friendships and pulling people into the fold. You can define "friends" and "group members" as those with whom you laugh.

But what makes us guffaw? "Our study failed to discover The Mother of All Jokes or even her next of kin," he writes. "In fact, most laughter did not follow anything resembling a joke, storytelling, or other formal attempt at humor."

Most laughter is about playful relationships between people, he says. "Laughter is not about jokes. If you pay attention to everyday life, you laugh," he tells WebMD.

Laugh Yourself to Better Health?

Many claim that laughter carries health benefits, that it represents all the positive emotions that offset hostility -- which should have positive effects on the immune system.

Provine says he's more skeptical than most -- admitting that among health activists, he's as welcome as a skunk at a picnic. Most research is very limited, he says.
The idea that laughter is therapeutic was popularized by Norman Cousins in his 1976 article, published in The New England Journal of Medicine, and expanded into a book.
In it, Cousins describes his affliction with a painful and life-threatening degenerative disease (ankylosing spondylitis) and his successful self-treatment with vitamin C, the Marx Brothers, and episodes from the old television series Candid Camera.

It makes sense that laughter -- like any positive activity -- can affect overall health, Provine admits. But laughter is actually a very violent activity. "Laughter increases your heart rate, but would similar changes be produced by yelling or singing? There may be something unique to laughter, but that research hasn't been done yet."

Baby steps have been made to prove laughter's health benefits, says Margaret Stuber, PhD, professor of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences at UCLA. She also is co-director of the UCLA Jonsson Cancer Center's Rx Laughter, a nonprofit project dedicated to helping the ill via humor and to supporting more scientific research on laughter.

Stuber has found that when children watched funny videos -- while their hands were in ice water -- they could tolerate pain better, she reports. Why? Children who laughed more assessed the experience as less unpleasant. They also had lower levels of cortisol, the stress hormone.

Laughing-Impaired Can Get Help

Indeed, helping people change their view of life can lessen anxiety, reduce chronic stress -- adding laughter to their lives, she says.

Parents can teach their kids to see the funny side of life -- simply by seeing it themselves, Stuber says. Therapy can also help change the way you view life.

"We're starting to put puzzle pieces together, starting to see that people can be trained to see the funny side of things," she tells WebMD. "I think it's about learning to view situations as non-threatening or not embarrassing."

One study showed that people who are able to laugh -- rather than being embarrassed or angry in certain situations -- tend to have fewer heart attacks and better blood pressure, says Stuber. "When something happened, like a waiter spilling wine on their sleeve, those who laughed about it had less incidence of second heart attacks," she tells WebMD.

"There's more and more good research being done on the effects of laughter," Stuber says.

Once a psychotherapist, Stephan Wischerth now leads the New York City's Laughter Club. It's just what it sounds like: people get together to laugh, to lose their anxieties in contagious laughter. Among those who attend: someone with Stage 4 cancer, another person with a degenerative nerve disease, people who are really stressed out.

The contagious quality inherent in laughter -- that's what helps bolster them, he says.

"Laughing makes people laugh," Wischerth tells WebMD. "I find that we really have lot of laughs just frozen inside our chest, just dying to get out. I give people permission to laugh out loud, be silly, get rid of stress. They discover for themselves how to take life a little less seriously. People feel like they're constantly under barrage. Why not joke about it?"

Even "forced laughter" gets people to crack up, says Kim McIntyre, another Laughter Club leader at the Getting Well Campus in Orlando. As part of a mind/body/wellness program, McIntyre's efforts stimulate the inner child that too often gets lost as we age.

"Ninety percent of the time, when we start out with forced laughter, people start laughing," she tells WebMD. "Pretty soon, there's an overwhelming amount of genuine laughter. Your ear hears it and you start laughing."

How To Break Up Gracefully

2008-01-12T03:37:00.000-08:00

How to Break Up Gracefully
By Linda Lewis | Published 10/30/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Just about all of us have heard -- or even said -- this line as a way of ending a romantic relationship. The problem is that it often leaves the dumpee thinking the exact opposite.

But is there really a way to make a clean and honest break? Is it ever OK to lie when ending a romantic relationship? Can you IM him or her that it's over, or do you have to do it in person? Is it really possible to be friends with your ex after a breakup?
WebMD went to the experts to get the best breakup advice ever. Read this before you even think of uttering another clichéd breakup line or texting the bad news to your soon-to-be ex.

All Relationships Are Not Created Equal

"The nature of how to handle a breakup has to do with how you experience a relationship," says New York City-based psychoanalyst and psychotherapist Janice Lieberman, PhD, who specializes in relationship issues.

For starters, she says, not every relationship deserves a dramatic breakup. There are no hard and fast rules about what constitutes a relationship. "There are people who think they have a relationship with two dates and people who don't think they are in a relationship after 20 dates," she says. "If you have gone on one or two or three dates, not calling is breaking up, but after some kind of romantic and sexual encounters, it is a courtesy to call," Lieberman tells WebMD.

"Sometimes it's easier not to call, and there are people who will just run away," she admits.

The explosion of Internet dating has also muddied the waters in terms of when an actual breakup is necessary, she says.

"People have Internet relations for a long time and then elevate to phone calls. Sometimes it takes a long time for a face-to-face encounter. This can be problematic, because people get very involved with each other and then when they finally meet, there are so many other cues that indicate they’re not suited for one another," she says.

The warning signs that a breakup is imminent have also changed thanks to Internet dating, Lieberman says.

"People will go out with someone they met on Jdate.com or match.com, and then you can see if they are surfing the Net and looking for someone else," she says. This is far less subtle than, say, acting cold on a date or not calling when you said you would.

Don't Break Up Over Email

The tabloids widely reported that pop star Britney Spears broke up with her now-ex-husband Kevin Federline via a text message. But text messages, emails, or other high-tech message delivery systems are not the best medium for ending a romantic relationship.

Social networking sites, including MySpace and Facebook, allow users to post comments on one another's pages, but they should never be used to end a romantic relationship. Nor should web sites like Breakup Butler, which delivers several types of prerecorded breakup messages ranging from let-them-down-easy to downright mean.

"If it's a casual encounter, a text message is OK. But to my mind, it's better to call and speak or go out to dinner," Lieberman says.

"The news of a breakup should never be broken over text or email," says Alison Arnold, PhD, a therapist in Phoenix who is also known as 'Doc Ali,' the life coach on the VH1 series Scott Baio Is 45 ... and Single. "Texting a breakup is the coward's way out," she says.

Stick to the Relationship Facts

"Face-to-face or phone contact is a must," Arnold says. "It's important to give the person with whom you are ending the relationship the chance to ask questions and feel the sentiment underneath the words."

Be as direct and honest as you can, she advises. "Don't engage in tit-for-tat arguments. Stick to the facts: 'It's not working, it's no one's fault, we need to make a change.’"

Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

Whether or not two people can remain friends after a breakup depends on the two people and their feelings about the end of the relationship.

"If someone is very much in love -- and [then] broken up with-- and forever trying to get back with that person, then having a platonic relationship does not work," Lieberman says. "If you are still in love with the person and want them back, the best thing to do is go cold turkey."

While many a jilted lover claims to seek closure by going back just one more time after a breakup, such closure is a "fantasy or a hope," Lieberman says.
"If in your heart of hearts you really want to get back together, the best thing to do if the other person is not into it is to get out of it," she says.

Arnold agrees. "Do take at least eight weeks with no contact. No phone. No 'let's get together for coffee.' No nothing," she says. "You need time to detox and get in touch with yourself again."

Talking every day as "friends" is also a no-no. "That just keeps the wounds and hope open and working," Arnold says. "Don't keep calling to 'check in,' hear how his or her day was, or if the dog ate his dinner. Cut the cord in all ways."

Another no-no? Breakup sex, she says.

Prescription for Healing After the Relationship Ends

"Do learn from each relationship," Arnold says. "Write down five things you appreciated about this relationship that you would like to have in the next one, and five things you would not like to create next time."

Instead of stalking your ex or making up excuses to call or see him or her, "keep yourself busy with new activities, old friends, and healthy distractions," Arnold says.

"Don't get right into a new relationship, she advises. "Don't medicate your sadness with a new person. It isn't fair to either of you."

Dad's Impact on Your Career

2008-01-12T03:30:00.000-08:00

Dad's Impact on Your Career
By Linda Lewis | Published 07/11/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

As yet, there's no such thing as "Take Your Dad to Work Day." But a psychologist maintains that most of us -- consciously or unconsciously -- bring our fathers into the workplace every day. Who's behind your need to (pick one): please the boss, find someone to blame, bark at subordinates, climb the ladder, or work harder than anyone else? Stephan B. Poulter, PhD, says it's Dad.

He spells it out in his book The Father Factor: How Your Father's Legacy Impacts Your Career. WebMD talked with Poulter, a former police officer who for 24 years has been a clinical psychologist specializing in family relationships, and two other experts about the influence fathers have on careers.

Understanding the Five Fathering Styles

Much is known about a mother's role in shaping offspring, but Poulter believes that fathers provide the model for workplace behavior. "Dad's rule book" -- the spoken and unspoken rules about work ethic, relationships, ethics, and money -- gets internalized. It may foster positive behaviors, such as a strong work ethic, but often sets up career roadblocks.

The legacy comes from the "father factor," or the type of fathering a son or daughter receives. While dads can exhibit a combination of styles, Poulter says one will dominate. He categorizes these styles as Superachiever, Time Bomb, Passive, Absent, and Compassionate/Mentor.

• Superachiever. Looking good and winning is the mantra of the Superachiever, whose legacy is shame. Their children become their own toughest critics. They expend tremendous energy hiding weaknesses, can't share their insecurities with anyone, and feel they are phonies. Poulter has a five-step strategy for becoming a "balanced achiever," at the heart of which is a lot of self-nurturing.

• Time Bomb. With a dad who explodes unpredictably, a kid learns that keeping Dad happy is goal No. 1. As an adult in the workplace, the child may be skilled at reading others' behavior but has difficulty dealing with conflict out of an insecure need to please. The first step in changing this behavior is to recognize the problem and change limiting thoughts, such as "If I'm not always nice, people won't like me."

• Passive. More than 50% of baby boomers are products of passive fathering. Such dads act more as observers than participants in their families. Emotionally they neglect the children, who respond with self-neglect and ultimately depressiondepression. Two career roadblocks loom: lack of motivation and fear of failure. Gaining insight, taking charge, and changing the internalized father factor are keys to personal and career satisfaction.

• Absent. When a father is physically or emotionally absent, it gets translated into rejection. "Kids are wired for both parents to love them," says Poulter, who describes his own father as emotionally distant. Poulter tells WebMD that absent fathers are the glue that holds juvenile gangs together, and he believes they're also responsible for widespread depression among Generation X. In the workplace, the child may have problems with authority figures, especially male bosses, and direct anger toward co-workers. Poulter offers action steps for healing the anger, which include recognizing that the absent father's legacy carries positive as well as negative influence.

• Compassionate/Mentor. This is the poster dad for effective parentingparenting -- usually someone else's dad. He doesn't drag around resentments or unfulfilled dreams. Poulter lists 10 characteristics of the Compassionate/Mentor dad that less enlightened men can learn to emulate in the workplace. These include "allowing flexibility, forgiveness, and compassion to influence management style, co-worker relations, and client relations," and "reaching a balance of assertiveness between the extremes of aggression and passivity."

Poulter has a number of checklists and exercises for recognizing and moving beyond career roadblocks. "People think they can't go beyond their legacy, but the goal of this book is to get the adult to move in the direction they've always wanted in their career, life, finances, and relationships."

Another Point of View

Brian A. Schwartz, PhD, is a psychologist who applies a psychohistorical approach to career planning. Having counseled more than 1,700 clients, he says almost all of them fail to understand how their fathers influenced their career success, failure, or satisfaction. But he believes mothers also play an important role in their offspring's workplace behavior, especially with their daughters.

"Parental influence carries a lot of weight," he tells WebMD. "The boss and co-workers become stand-ins for the family. People rise to the level of success that their self-esteem can absorb, and the roots of self-esteem are a reflection of our parents. People can be very talented, but if they don't have self-esteem, they either don't achieve or they achieve and sabotage themselves."

Regarding Dad's role, he believes the emotionally absent father does the most damage. "Emotionally, the children keep going back to a well that is empty."

But, he says additional factors, such as birth order, family dynamics, and a child's personality type, help explain the very different career levels and workplace behaviors found among siblings, something Poulter's book does not account for.

Schwartz, who is writing a book entitled Career DNA, believes that to move beyond the parental legacy requires dealing with the issues. "When men and women take the courage to have a genuine conversation with their father or mother, they find themselves released and able to go on with their lives. There's no guarantee that the parent will respond in a constructive way, but it gives them emotional lubrication to move on."

When Dad Owns Your Workplace

If Dad can affect your career even though he's miles away and has never set foot in your cubicle, imagine what it's like to work in the company Dad owns. It's like throwing the father-child dynamic in a pressure cooker. (Stir in Mom and some siblings for a really interesting mix.)

In her position as senior associate with Family Business Consulting Group, Amy Schuman lives in Chicago and travels around the country to consult with family businesses and has an opportunity to observe the roles various family members play.
"The founder of a family business has to be pretty entrepreneurial to be successful. They're usually dominant, very directive, and fast-paced. They're not very facilitative and not good developers of others."

She tells WebMD that in businesses that pass through generations, there's often a pattern of a strong founder, weak son, strong grandson, etc. "You'll hear families say the grandson is so much like the grandfather. That's because the son has to learn to accommodate the founder of the business, and the grandson can show the same spark as the founder if Dad isn't threatened."

Like Schwartz, she says siblings grow up to be very different from one another in spite of having the same father. "Siblings are the most diverse group in terms of style. It might be two who are opposite, or four who go different directions. Then the siblings have to find a way to manage that and deal with sibling rivalry if they're going to own the business."

When Dad dies, one of two things typically happens. "His ghost might hover over the business, but, I almost hate to say it, sometimes it liberates the kids so they can fully express themselves and their vision."

She explains that becoming an adult requires separating from parents, but that if kids differentiate too much in a family business, it can threaten Dad and the unity of the family. "If kids have to pay the price of their own individual identity in order to be part of a family business, it's very damaging. But if they can manage to differentiate, it's tremendous."

Going to Work Without Dad

Poulter is optimistic that adults can move beyond the father factor to realize personal and career satisfaction. He ends his book with "Seven Steps to Success":

1. Make a commitment to change.
2. Improve your self-awareness.
3. Identify your triggers.
4. Don't allow your mistakes or career setbacks to derail your commitment to change.
5. Be aware of old, familiar father factor habits.
6. Get a support system in place.
7. Determine what success looks like, and set your goals for achieving it.

Rich People Die Differently

2008-01-12T03:26:00.000-08:00

Rich People Die Differently
By Linda Lewis | Published 07/14/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Rich people not only live differently than the rest of us, but a new study suggests that they die differently, too.
Researchers found older men and women who had a net worth of $70,000 or more were a third less likely than poorer people to have been in pain frequently in the year before they died.

Not only did wealthier seniors feel less pain at the end of their lives, the wealthiest of the bunch also were less likely to suffer from common symptoms, such as depression or shortness of breath.

But regardless of wealth, researchers say the study shows that older Americans carry an unacceptable burden of pain and suffering in their last year of life.

"The older adults we studied who lived in the community suffered as much in their last year of life as do younger people who are severely ill and hospitalized," states researcher Maria Silveira, MD, MPH, assistant professor of general medicine at the University of Michigan Medical School, in a news release.

Differences at Death

In the study, researchers examined the prevalence of common symptoms, such as pain, fatigue, and depression, in the last year of life in a group of 2,604 men and women aged 70 or older who died between 1993 and 2000.

The participants were members of a health and retirement study and researchers interviewed surviving spouses or others to learn about their last months of life and the circumstances of their death.

The results showed that about half of the participants suffered from pain, fatigue, or depression as they approached death, and more than half suffered from at least three symptoms. Among those who reported pain in the last year of life, 59% reported it was severe.

Researchers found that reports of pain symptoms were significantly related to net worth. Older adults in the top quarter according to net worth were 33% less likely to suffer from pain at the end of life compared with those in the bottom quarter.

Those differences in pain during the last year of life persisted even after researchers took into account a person's age, sex, ethnicity, education, and existing medical conditions.

Researchers say older people with greater financial resources may express their symptoms more assertively and demand better care. Or they may have greater access to goods and services above and beyond what insurance pays for.

Other findings of the study include:

• People with cancer were more than twice as likely to experience pain and had 30% higher rates of depression.
• Older adults with dementia were 2.3 times more likely to be depressed in the last year of life and had 40% higher rates of fatigue.
• Pain in the last year of life was most common among those with cancer, lung disease, or heart disease.
• Depression was most common in people with some form of cognitive impairment, such as dementia or Alzheimer's disease.

Researchers say these results demonstrate a need for better symptom assessment for older adults at all levels of the health care system, including hospitals, clinics, and nursing homes.

"These are treatable symptoms and not an inevitable part of the dying process," says researcher Kenneth Langa, MD, PhD, assistant professor of general medicine at the University of Michigan Medical School, in the release.

The Changing Face of Fatherhood

2008-01-12T03:19:00.000-08:00

The Changing Face of Fatherhood
By Rogger Miller | Published 08/16/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Joseph had a change of heart at age 55 and reversed his vasectomy in honor of his second wife's 30th birthday.

After being forced into early retirement at age 45, Leonard decided it was time to settle down and start the family he never had time for.

Determined not to make the same mistakes that he did with his first family, Jeff began anew with his third wife. Jeff just turned 60.
Devastated by the loss of their only son, Edward and his wife -- both in their late 40s -- decided to have more children.

For a whole host of reasons, a growing number of men are opting to become later-in-life fathers. They join the ranks of such famous older dads as David Letterman, Tony Randall, Larry King, Anthony Quinn, Woody Allen, Charlie Chaplin, Warren Beatty, Jack Nicholson, and Nobel Prize-winning author Saul Bellow.

The majority of children are still being born to men who are 20 to 34, but a December 2003 National Vital Statistics Report indicates that birthrates among fathers aged 35 to 49 increased slightly from 2001 to 2002. Between 1980 and 2002, the rate of births among fathers aged 40 to 44 went up 32%, and for fathers aged 45 to 49, 21%. For men 50 to 54, the increase was 9%.

This mirrors what New York City male fertility expert Marc Goldstein, MD, sees in his practice. "I am seeing more older men waiting longer to get married or who are divorced and remarried, [including] the CEOs who are discarding their last trophy wife for new ones," says Goldstein, a professor of reproductive medicine and urology at Weill Cornell Medical College and the surgeon-in-chief of male reproductive medicine and microsurgery at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center. Goldstein's oldest patient was 87.

Setting the Male Biological Clock

While much ado is made about women's fertility declining with advancing age, what about men?

Many men will have no problems conceiving a healthy child, but "there is quite a bit of evidence that advancing age can affect the DNA or genetic material in sperm," Goldstein says. This damage may start as early as age 35 and worsens with age. As a result, older men may father children who have higher rates of schizophrenia and/or Down syndrome, he says.

Additionally, older men may have lower sperm counts. "There is a gradual decrease in sperm, the quality is poorer, and sperm swim less vigorously, so the pregnancy takes longer to achieve," he says.

Still, "the majority of older men with healthy younger wives are able to get pregnant, and most of the time, the babies are normal," he says.

This even holds among men who have had vasectomies in the past and decide to reverse them. A recent study by Goldstein and colleagues found that vasectomy reversal is highly effective, even 15 years or more after the procedure. If a man had a vasectomy this year or 15 years ago, there was no difference in the pregnancy rate achieved following reversal.

That's not to say achieving a pregnancy and fathering a child aren't markedly easier for younger men. "If they decide they want kids, couples should do it sooner rather than later and have the man checked right from the beginning," he suggests. A semen analysis will assess sperm quality and count.

Are 50s the New 30s?

"I think there is a trend toward midlife fatherhood," says Terrence Real, founder of the Relational Recovery Institute in Cambridge, Mass., and author of several books on male emotional health.

"It's pretty clear that men in their 40s are significantly more interested in children than previous generations, and men are somewhat more interested in fatherhood from the 50s on up," Real says.

The reasons are many, he says.

"More men are engaged in second marriages, and there is often an age gap in a second marriage," he says. "If an older man takes a younger wife who does not have kids, there are very good odds he will have children."

In addition, baby boomers are revamping expectations about aging. "Men are thinking that they are in their prime at age 50," he says, adding, that "adolescence keeps getting extended, so it takes longer for men to settle down" as well.

Midlife Crisis?

Men spend decades on the conveyor belt, and now they are assessing where this conveyor belt has taken them, Real explains. If he was fairly successful, he may look around and think, "This is great, but I still feel like something important is missing."

Enter the allure of fatherhood.

"Men have woken up to the joy and enrichment of being fathers," he says.
A child is "a legacy and suggests that men have sewn their wild oats and are done running around," he says. "Fathering has hit the map, and the idea that you are really missing out without the fatherhood experience is not a myth, it's a reality."

Fueling this cultural phenomenon is a tremendous change in the positive imagery of men as fathers, including books and movies, Real explains. "Men being healed by fatherhood/fathering is depicted in several films, including Scent of a Woman, Man Without a Face, and Finding Forrester," he says.

"There are slews of films where a shut-down, reclusive, cynical man has his heart opened by a boy/child who needs him," real says. "The act of fathering can heal a damaged man."

Tick, Tick, Tick?

Midlife fatherhood "is an increasing trend," agrees Jed Diamond, founder and director of MenAlive, a men's health program, and author of several books.

"I've been seeing it more and more in friends, colleagues, and patients," he says.
Today, for a host of reasons including the economy, men are less likely to put so much of their sense of self and identity into their work, and more of them are looking to feel more connected to family and children, he says.

In addition, there had been the belief that men can have children forever, but andropause or male menopause indicates a decrease in testosterone, and there is a drop in fertility for men as well as for women, Diamond tells WebMD.

"Men are beginning to realize that ... 'if I really want children, this is the time to do it,'" he says. "Fertility decreases and men start having a greater sense of urgency."

Sugar Daddy?

A seismic shift in hormones also helps tip the scale in favor of fatherhood. "As men age, they also have a higher ratio of estrogen as testosterone wanes, so men become more "esty" -- meaning that they become more sensual, more involved in family," Diamond says.

"As a whole, I would say that men's desire for kids is less palpable then a women's desire," says New York City psychoanalyst and father Leon Hoffman, MD, director of the Pacella Parent Child Center. "Even women who never have children will find a substitute -- whether a niece or nephew or someone else -- where their maternal feelings will be played out."

Cutting a New Father Figure

Real says "one advantage is that later-in-life fatherhood is a very purposeful fatherhood, and this is a wanted child as opposed to younger men who may feel trapped by fatherhood."

But "the main roadblock to later-in-life fatherhood is physical health," Hoffman says.

"It's very different to have a baby running around when you are in the 20s and 30s and early 40s than when you are older," Hoffman tells WebMD. "The other part is that it does keep you feeling young, so for people with midlife crisis, having a child is certainly a way of rejuvenating life."

Mostly Hoffman has seen men marrying younger second wives who want to have kids and those who insist on doing it right this time. "They say, 'This time I am going to do it right,'" he says. "The danger is that they may become too controlling, or he may have been distant and working with his first set of kids and with second set, he doesn't work as hard, so is there all the time."

Workaholism: The 'Respectable' Addiction

2008-01-12T02:42:00.000-08:00

Workaholism: The 'Respectable' Addiction
By Peter Hill | Published 08/16/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

In Japan, it's called karoshi -- "death by overwork" -- and it's estimated to cause 1,000 deaths per year, nearly 5% of that country's stroke and heart attack deaths in employees under age 60.

In the Netherlands, it's resulted in a new condition known as "leisure illness," estimated to affect 3% of its entire population, according to one study. Workers actually get physically sick on weekends and vacations as they stop working and try, in vain, to relax.

And here in the U.S., workaholism remains what it's always been: the so-called "respectable addiction" that's dangerous as any other and could affect millions of Americans -- whether or not they hold jobs.
"Yes, workaholism is an addiction, an obsessive-compulsive disorder, and it's not the same as working hard or putting in long hours," says Bryan Robinson, PhD, one of the nation's leading researchers on the disorder and author of Chained to the Desk and other books on workaholism.

The Difference Between Hard Work and Workaholism

"Hard work put us on the moon and discovered vaccinations and built this country," he tells WebMD. "But hard workers generally have some balance in their lives. They sit at their desks and think about skiing. The workaholic is on the ski slopes thinking about work."

Their obsession with work is all-occupying, which prevents workaholics from maintaining healthy relationships, outside interests, or even take measures to protect their health.

"These are people who may have children, but miss Little League games and school plays when they don't have to, not because they have to be at work but because they feel they need to," says Tuck T. Saul, PhD, a psychotherapist in Columbus, Ohio, who frequently counsels workaholics. "They neglect their health to the point of devastating results and ignore their friends and family. They avoid going on vacation so they don't have to miss work. And even if they do go on vacation, they aren't fully present because their mind is still on work.

"As with any other 'aholism,' there is often a lack of understanding as to how their work addiction affects themselves and others," Tuck tells WebMD. "Often, they only realize their problem when something catastrophic happens to them -- their health completely fails or their marriage or relationships are destroyed."

Addicted to Adrenaline

Such was the case with Cheri, a 52-year-old nurse in California. Several years ago, she realized she was a workaholic and has since attended Workaholics Anonymous (WA) meetings once a week -- which like Alcoholics Anonymous -- has its own 12-step recovery program. Now, she volunteers to help others in the group's Menlo Park headquarters.

"I was wildly successful in my career, a very effective worker and my employers loved me," she tells WebMD. "But outside of work ... well, there was no outside of work. I never thought I had a problem until I tried to get into a close relationship, for something like the fifth time. That was my wake-up call, and it probably helped that my partner was in his own 12-step recovery for another addiction at the time. I took the 20-question quiz at the WA web site and 16 [of them] described me to a T. He was getting better and I realized I had my own addiction -- to adrenaline."

Don't laugh. Workaholics can have a physiologic need for that adrenaline rush, says Robinson, a psychotherapist in Asheville, N.C., and professor emeritus at the University of North Carolina, Charlotte.

"One thing that we do know is that workaholics tend to seek out jobs that allow them to exercise their addiction," he says. "The workplace itself does not create the addiction any more than the supermarket creates food addiction, but it does enable it. Workaholics tend to seek high-stress jobs to keep the adrenaline rush going."

This is true even if they don't work outside the home.

"We're seeing more women workaholics now because women are more visible in the workplace. But it's my belief that even before this trend, workaholics were doing this in the home," says Robinson. "It could be in their parenting to the point where there is nothing else to balance their lives, no hobbies or fun or spirituality, because they spend all their time as the PTA president, running the youth sports league, and being a Scout leader."

Disorders Often Stem From Childhood

Research shows that the seeds of workaholism are often planted in childhood, resulting in low self-esteem that carries into adulthood.

"Many workaholics are the children of alcoholics or come from some other type of dysfunctional family, and work addiction is an attempt to control a situation that is not controllable," he tells WebMD. "Or they tend to be products of what I call 'looking good families' whose parents tend to be perfectionists and expect unreasonable success from their kids. These children grow up thinking that nothing is ever good enough. Some just throw in the towel, but others say, 'I'm going to show I'm the best in everything so [my] parents approve of me.'"

The problem is, perfection is unattainable, whether you're a kid or a successful professional.

"Anyone who carries a mandate for perfection is susceptible to workaholism because it creates a situation where the person never gets to cross the finish line, because it keeps moving farther out," says Saul.
That is why despite logging in mega hours and sacrificing their health and loved ones for their jobs, workaholics are frequently ineffective employees.

Workaholic Styles

"Overall, workaholics tend to be less effective than other workers because it's difficult for them to be team players, they have trouble delegating or entrusting co-workers, or they take on so much that they aren't as organized as others," says Robinson.

In fact, his research indicates four distinct workaholic "working styles":

• The bulimic workaholic feels the job must be done perfectly or not at all. Bulimic workaholics often can't get started on projects, and then scramble to complete it by deadline, often frantically working to the point of exhaustion -- with sloppy results.

• The relentless workaholic is the adrenaline junkie who often takes on more work than can possibly be done. In an attempt to juggle too many balls, they often work too fast or are too busy for careful, thorough results.

• The attention-deficit workaholic often starts with fury, but fails to finish projects -- often because they lose interest for another project. They often savor the "brainstorming" aspects but get easily bored with the necessary details or follow-through.

• The savoring workaholic is slow, methodical, and overly scrupulous. They often have trouble letting go of projects and don't work well with others. These are often consummate perfectionists, frequently missing deadlines because "it's not perfect."

Getting Help

What can be done? Counseling is often recommended for workaholics, and support groups, such as Workaholics Anonymous, are beneficial, say the experts.
"It really comes down to recognizing a need for balance in your life," says Robinson. "Working hard is great, but you need to be able to turn if off and savor the other parts of your life -- friends, family, hobbies, and fun."

But many companies often confuse workaholics for hard workers, in essence enabling them on their path to self-destruction.

"I wouldn't say that corporations cause workaholism, but I think they truly support it," says Diane Fassel, PhD, president of Newsmeasures, Inc., a Boulder, Colo., business consulting firm, and the author of Working Ourselves to Death.

"Even though workaholism is the addiction de jour in American corporations, I'm not sure that many companies offer employee-assistance programs for it, as they do for alcohol or drug abuse," she tells WebMD. "Instead they often reward it."

11 Secrets Men Keeps From Thier Wife

2008-01-12T02:26:00.000-08:00

11 "Don't-Tell-the-Wife" Secrets All Men Keep
By Rogger Miller | Published 10/2/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

I was in the ninth grade when I learned a vital lesson about love. My girlfriend at the time, Amy, was stunningly cute, frighteningly smart and armed with a seemingly endless supply of form-fitting angora sweaters. And me? Let's just say I was an adolescent Chris Robinson to her budding Kate Hudson -- and well aware of my good fortune.

Then one day, as we stood in line for a movie at the mall, Simone Shaw, junior high prom queen, sauntered by. Suddenly Amy turned to me. "Were you looking at her?" she asked. "Do you think she's pretty?"

My mind reeled. Of course I was looking at her! Of course she was pretty! My God, she was Simone Shaw! I paused for a second, then decided to play it straight.
"Well, yeah," I chortled.

Five days later our breakup hit the tabloids (a.k.a. the lunchroom).
There comes a time in every man's life when he discovers the value of hiding the grosser parts of his nature. He starts reciting the sweet nothings you long to hear: "No, honey, I play golf for the exercise." "No, honey, I think you're a great driver." "No, honey, I wasn't looking at that coed washing the car in the rain."

We're not lying, exactly. We're just making things...easier. But Glenn Good, Ph.D., a relationship counselor, disagrees, and maybe he has a point. "These white lies are pretty innocent, but they can turn confusing," he says. "Many women think, If he's lying about himself, is he also lying about something else? Is he having an affair? To establish trust you have to tell the truth about the innocuous stuff."

And so, in the interest of uniting the sexes, we've scoured the country for guys willing to share the private truths they wouldn't normally confess. Some are a bit crass. Some you've always suspected. Some are surprisingly sweet. (Guys don't like to reveal the mushy stuff, either.) But read on, and you may discover that the truth about men isn't all that ugly.

Secret #1: Yes, we fall in lust 10 times a day -- but it doesn't mean we want to leave you

If the oldest question in history is "What's for dinner?" the second oldest is "Were you looking at her?" The answer: Yes -- yes, we were. If you're sure your man doesn't look, it only means he possesses acute peripheral vision.

"When a woman walks by, even if I'm with my girlfriend, my vision picks it up," says Doug LaFlamme, 28, of Laguna Hills, California. "I fight the urge to look, but I just have to. I'm really in trouble if the woman walking by has a low-cut top on."
Granted, we men are well aware that our sizing up the produce doesn't sit well with you, given that we've already gone through the checkout line together. But our passing glances pose no threat.

"It's not that I want to make a move on her," says LaFlamme. "Looking at other women is like a radar that just won't turn off."

Secret #2: We actually do play golf to get away from you
More than 21 million American men play at least one round of golf a year; of those, an astounding 75 percent regularly shoot worse than 90 strokes a round. In other words, they stink. The point is this: "Going golfing" is not really about golf. It's about you, the house, the kids -- and the absence thereof.

"I certainly don't play because I find it relaxing and enjoyable," admits Roland Buckingham, 32, of Lewes, Delaware, whose usual golf score of 105 is a far-from-soothing figure. "As a matter of fact, sometimes by the fourth hole I wish I were back at the house with the kids screaming. But any time I leave the house and don't invite my wife or kids -- whether it's for golf or bowling or picking up roadkill -- I'm just getting away."

Secret #3: We're unnerved by the notion of commitment, even after we've made one to you

This is a dicey one, so first things first: We love you to death. We think you're fantastic. Most of the time we're absolutely thrilled that we've made a lifelong vow of fidelity to you in front of our families, our friends and an expensive videographer.

But most of us didn't spend our formative years thinking, "Gosh, I just can't wait to settle down with a nice girl so we can grow old together." Instead we were obsessed with how many women who resembled Britney Spears we could have sex with before we turned 30. Generally it takes us a few years (or decades) to fully perish that thought.

Secret #4: Earning money makes us feel important

In more than 7.4 million U.S. marriages, the wife earns more than the husband -- almost double the number in 1981. This of course is a terrific development for women in the workplace and warmly embraced by all American men, right? Right?

Yeah, well, that's what we tell you. But we're shallow, competitive egomaniacs. You don't think it gets under our skin if our woman's bringing home more bacon than we are -- and frying it up in a pan?

"My wife and I are both reporters at the same newspaper," says Jeffrey Newton, 33, of Fayetteville, South Carolina. "Five years into our marriage I still check her pay stub to see how much more an hour I make than she does. And because she works harder, she keeps closing the gap."

Secret #5: Though we often protest, we actually enjoy fixing things around the house

I risk being shunned at the local bar if this magazine finds its way there, because few charades are as beloved by guys as this one. To hear us talk, the Bataan Death March beats grouting that bathroom shower. And, as 30-year-old Ed Powers of Chicago admits, it's a shameless lie. "In truth, it's rewarding to tinker with and fix something that, without us, would remain broken forever," he says. Plus we get to use tools.

"The reason we don't share this information," Powers adds, "is that most women don't differentiate between taking out the trash and fixing that broken hinge; to them, both are tasks we need to get done over the weekend, preferably during the Bears game. But we want the use-your-hands, think-about-the-steps-in-the-process, home-repair opportunity, not the repetitive, no-possibility-of-a-compliment, mind-dulling, purely physical task." There. Secret's out.

Secret #6: We like it when you mother us, but we're terrified that you'll become your mother

With apologies to Sigmund Freud, Gloria Steinem -- and my mother-in-law.

Secret #7: Every year we love you more

Sure, we look like adults. We own a few suits. We can probably order wine without giggling. But although we resemble our father when he was our age, we still feel like that 4-year-old clutching his pant leg.

With that much room left on our emotional-growth charts, we sense we've only begun to admire you in the ways we will when we're 40, 50 and -- God forbid -- 60. We can't explain this to you, because it would probably come out sounding like we don't love you now.

"It took at least a year before I really started to appreciate my wife for something other than just great sex; and I didn't discover her mind fully until the third year we were married," says Newton. "But the older and wiser I get, the more I love my wife." Adds J.P. Neal, 32, of Potomac, Maryland: "The for-richer-or-poorer, for-better-or-worse aspects of marriage don't hit you right away. It's only during those rare times when we take stock of our life that it starts to sink in."

Secret #8: We don't really understand what you're talking about

You know how, during the day, you sometimes think about certain deep, complex "issues" in your relationship? Then when you get home, you want to "discuss" these issues? And during these "discussions," your man sits there nodding and saying things like "Sure, I understand," "That makes perfect sense" and "I'll do better next time"?

Well, we don't understand. It doesn't make any sense to us at all. And although we'd like to do better next time, we could only do so if, in fact, we had an idea of what you're talking about.

We do care. Just be aware that the part of our brain that processes this stuff is where we store sports trivia.

Secret #9: We are terrified when you drive

Want to know how to reduce your big, tough guy to a quivering mass of fear? Ask him for the car keys.

"I am scared to death when she drives," says LaFlamme.
"Every time I ride with her, I fully accept that I may die at any moment," says Buckingham.

"My wife has about one 'car panic' story a week -- and it's never her fault. All these horrible things just keep happening -- it must be her bad luck," says Andy Beshuk, 31, of Jefferson City, Missouri.

Even if your man is too diplomatic to tell you, he is terrified that you will turn him into a crash-test dummy.

Secret #10: We'll always wish we were 25 again

Granted, when I was 25 I was working 16-hour days and eating shrimp-flavored Ramen noodles six times a week. But as much as we love being with you now, we will always look back fondly on the malnourished freedom of our misguided youth. "Springsteen concerts, the '91 Mets, the Clinton presidency -- most guys reminisce about the days when life was good, easy and free of responsibility," says Rob Aronson, 41, of Livingston, New Jersey, who's been married for 11 years. "At 25 you can get away with things you just can't get away with at 40."

While it doesn't mean we're leaving you to join a rock band, it does explain why we occasionally come home from Pep Boys with a leather steering-wheel cover and a Born to Run CD.

Secret #11: Give us an inch and we'll give you a lifetime

I was on a trip to Mexico, standing on a beach, waxing my surfboard and admiring the glistening 10-foot waves, when I decided to marry the woman who is now my wife. Sure, this was three years before I got around to popping the question. But that was when I knew.

Why? Because she'd let me go on vacation alone. Hell, she made me go. This is the most important thing a man never told you: If you let us be dumb guys, if you embrace our stupid poker night, if you encourage us to go surfing -- by ourselves -- our silly little hearts, with their manly warts and all, will embrace you forever for it.
And that's the truth.

Managing Marriage and Money Problems

2008-01-12T02:19:00.000-08:00

Managing Marriage and Money Problems
By Richard Luong | Published 10/30/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Maureen and Dave Gomes, who have been married for more than six years, have a system for managing their money: one joint bank account that they both contribute to on a monthly basis and draw from for all house expenses, like the mortgage and electric bill; and two separate, personal accounts, which after their monthly contributions leaves them with their own money to spend. Last but not least, they work on their long-term financial goals together and manage big-ticket items, like cars and vacations, as a team.

“We created this system when we moved in together before we got married,” says Maureen. “For us, it works. But I do have to say that it would probably fall apart if we didn’t communicate well about our spending, act responsibly, and make decisions together.”

Maureen and Dave have figured out how to mix marriage and money in a way that works for them both. Other couples, however, aren’t as lucky.

“With the state of the economy, with housing issues, credit problems, more and more couples are facing serious marriage and money problems, even bankruptcy,” says William Harley, PhD, author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage;

Experts explain to WebMD the common financial scenarios couples often face, and offer practical tips for resolving them.

(Has your relationship been affected by money? How did you cope? Talk with others on our Couples Coping: Support Group message board.)

Scenario 1: Neglect = Marriage and Money Problems

Do you find yourself fighting with your spouse over the money he or she spends? Do you frequently spend money yourself, in excess, to spite your spouse because you’re angry? While it may seem like money is a serious bone of contention in your marriage, there could be something more to blame.

“Often, in couples who are arguing about money, it’s not money that’s the problem,” says Harley. “Instead, the money fights are a byproduct of relationship neglect.”

In cases like these, money becomes a weapon, explains Harley. One spouse uses the other’s spending habits as ammunition, bringing up his or her spending when it will hurt the most. Or a spouse spends to get even, even when he or she knows the spending is in excess of the couple’s budget.

“Our relationship dynamics and resentments get played out with money,” says Jenn Berman, PhD, a marriage and family therapist. “It’s not uncommon to see a person get mad at his or her spouse, and then go out and buy something as revenge.”

What’s the solution? Find a good marriage counselor, and work through your relationship issues, explains Berman.

“Working through a couple’s relationship issues can also help solve their financial problems,” Harley tells WebMD. “When you fix the root cause, the subsequent problems like money improve as well.”

Scenario 2: Love Is Blind

Another common financial problem can occur when a couple is so blinded by love that they spend with no regard for a budget. They take lavish vacations together, buy expensive gifts for each other, or buy a home they can’t afford. These expenses serve as a symbol of love for a new spouse, but they also serve to dig a couple deeper into financial turmoil.

“The problem with this scenario is, they eventually run out of money,” says Harley.
Once these couples fall into debt, they have something to fight about with both marriage and money problems at play.

In this case, the solution is a smart financial planner who can offer guidance on budgeting, long-term investment goals, and help in getting out of debt, explains Harley.

“A married couple in this scenario needs to wake up and smell reality,” says Harley. “They need to understand how much they earn, and how much they can spend, and stop being so ga-ga over the other person that they’re overspending.”

Scenario 3: When Women Are the Breadwinners

“We live in an age where women are catching up to the men,” says Harley. “In almost one-third of dual-income families, it’s the woman that’s the breadwinner.”

While for decades women have fought for pay equality, now that the fairer sex has caught up, many aren’t happy with their success.

“In a significant amount of couples I see in my practice where the woman makes more than the man, the woman isn’t happy,” says Harley. “She feels used, like she is responsible for everything.”

It gets even more complicated when a woman goes off to work, and the man stays home as Mr. Mom. Many women aren’t happy with this scenario, feeling shortchanged in their roles as mothers even though they're succeeding in their careers, says Harley.

Being a businesswoman -- and wife and mom when the workday is done -- is a heavy load that can create marriage and money problems for everyone involved.

“It’s always hard to be the one that is not earning the most money, but it’s particularly hard for most men,” says Berman, author of the A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. “Men feel a cultural pressure to earn more money, and it can create issues in both directions -- from the husband to the wife and the wife to the husband -- when the woman is the breadwinner.”

In this case, Berman suggests enlisting the help of both a financial planner and a marriage counselor. The couple should also set up equal spending rights, within reason and means, for each person.

“Have a clear-cut budget you both agree on, so everyone has some fun money to spend,” says Berman. “If couples create a budget where no one can spend, it’s not going to work.”

Scenario 4: Keeping Up With the Joneses

“We are a country that has become accustomed to debt,” Berman tells WebMD. “We judge one another by what we have and don’t have, so couples feel pressure to buy things they can’t afford as they keep up with the Joneses.”

Scenario 4: Keeping Up With the Joneses continued...

The stress of owing and debt can cause money problems in your marriage, she explains. As a couple spends and spends, with no regard for their mounting debt, it's the marriage that suffers.

“Couples don’t tend to fight about the mortgage because that’s a choice you make together,” says Berman. “Couples fight about the ancillary goods, like ‘I can’t believe you bought those golf clubs.’ It’s the things you can live without that you fight about.”

Again, financial planning support is key. In the meantime, a couple should ask themselves why they feel the need to live beyond their income.

“Its important to do some emotional work on yourself to determine why you care about what other people think, and is it about your own insecurities?” Berman asks. “And open communication is a must -- it is so important to the success of overcoming financial trouble.”

More Tips

What are financial fixer-uppers you should keep in mind when managing your marriage and money problems? Here are more tips from the experts that will help you keep both above water:

• Do a budget together. Create a budget for both the short and long term as you build your goals and your dreams together, explains Dave Ramsey, author of the best-selling book Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness. “Budgeting together will create communication in your marriage,” he says.

• Everyone gets a vote. “Both spouses have to give adult-like input and both spouses have to listen to each other,” says Ramsey.

• You have to work together to get out of debt and build wealth. “Two horses pulling a wagon can pull a huge load up a hill if they work together,” says Ramsey. “Pulling apart will simply turn the wagon into firewood.”

• Have joint accounts. “Having separate bills, debts, incomes, and lives is not a marriage,” Ramsey tells WebMD. You’re a team, and you need to act like one on both the emotional and financial front to be successful.

• Invest in your marriage. “Spend 15 hours a week together, to give yourself dedicated time to connect, put any issues aside like money, and keep the romance alive,” says Harley.

• Every action has a reaction. “Understand that any action you take in marriage, including an action related to your finances, has an impact on your spouse,” says Harley. “If you’re not conscientious of the effect it has on the other person, you’re living independently -- not married -- and you need to reconnect.”

Most Happy With Change Sex Results

2008-01-12T02:15:00.000-08:00

Most Happy With Sex Change Results
By Linda Lewis | Published 10/30/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Most people who undergo male-to-female sex change operations are pleased with the results despite some minor complications, according to the largest study ever of sex change results.

Researchers surveyed 222 patients who had sex change operations and found nearly 90% of them were happy with the results soon after surgery and nearly half were eventually able to achieve orgasm as a woman after a later follow-up.

The results suggest that most men who undergo a sex change to become a woman are happy with the cosmetic and functional results even though complications, such as vaginal hair growth and urinary problems, can occur.

“Despite these problems, which were mainly minor and easily corrected by secondary surgery, 76% of the patients who provided detailed feedback were happy with the cosmetic result of their surgery and 80% said the surgery had met their expectations,” says researcher Jonathan C. Goddard, MD, a urologist at University Hospitals of Leicester NHS Trust in the U.K., in a news release.

Sex Change Patients Happy

The study analyzed the early results of 222 patients who had a male-to-female sex change operation between 1994 and 2004. Seventy of these sex change patients were also contacted an average of three years later to obtain long-term follow-up information.

The men ranged in age from 19 to 76 with an average age of 43. Nine out of 10 of the sex change patients had a clitoris and vagina created during the procedure.

The results showed that 88% of sex change patients were happy with the initial results at their first follow-up appointment. Among those contacted about three years later, 76% said the cosmetic results were acceptable.

Researchers also found that among those contacted for follow-up:

• 23% of the patients had, or were having, regular vaginal intercourse.
• 61% were happy with the depth of their vagina.
• 98% had a sensitive clitoris.
• 48% were able to achieve clitoral orgasm.

The study also showed that minor complications were relatively common. For example:
• 14% had clitoral discomfort, but none had elected to have their clitoris removed.
• 29% were troubled by vaginal hair growth.
• 27% reported urinary problems, and the majority of these needed revision surgery.

“The outcome of this complex surgery depends on a number of factors,” says Goddard. “These include the technical experience of the surgeon, the amount and quality of tissue that each patient has available for reconstruction and, most importantly, the realistic expectations of the patients themselves.”

Dating Older Women: Does Age Matter?

2008-01-12T02:04:00.000-08:00

Dating Older Women: Does Age Matter?
By Michelle Ryan | Published 10/30/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

From movies like Something's Gotta Give and Because I Said So to reality dating shows that pit older women against younger gals, the pairing of older women and younger men is becoming increasingly common.

In fact, there is even a new classification for older women who actively seek out younger men. They're called “cougars,” and they’re seen by some as the epitome of liberation in post-feminist times.

But has the once-taboo pairing of older women and younger men really become as common and carefree a choice as Hollywood would have us believe? And more importantly, has society finally blessed this controversial union?

If you are using celebrity couples as your barometer, the answer appears to be yes. But go just a little east of Beverly Hills, and you're likely to read a different story.

"It's not exactly the way it's being portrayed in the media," says Sandy Caron, PhD, co-author, with Nichole Proulx, PhD, of a study on the implications of marriages involving women a decade or more older than their mates.

In their research, published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy in 2006, Caron says that while the number of older woman-younger man pairings appears to be increasing to some degree, society has far from embraced the idea. Moreover, the bulk of our "scorn" still seems directed squarely at the reputation of the older woman.

"I think one of the most surprising things we found in our study was that most older women still feel the same societal pressures about pairing with a younger man that were evident in studies conducted more than 30 years ago," says Caron, professor of family relations and human sexuality at the University of Maine.

While she says the world seems slightly more accepting of a younger man falling for an older gal, the image of the older woman as the wayward seductress -- or in Hollywood terms, "Mrs. Robinson" -- still prevails.

"Pretty much all the couples in our study cautioned that you have to be prepared to deal with the social stigmas, because they are still here, and they can be particularly cruel to women," says Caron.

So considering relationship waters are already pretty hard to navigate, even without societal pressures, what's the attraction? The answers might surprise you.
(What are your thoughts about older woman/younger man relationships? Talk with others on WebMD's Couples Coping Support Group message board.)

What's in It for Older Women?

As any middle-aged woman who's ever swooned over the hot, hard body of Jake Gyllenhaal or Matthew McConaughey can tell you, a younger man can be hard to resist – particularly when it comes to sexual desire.

"Men's testosterone levels go down in their 40s, while women's sexuality peaks in their 30s and stays there for quite awhile. So, by age 50 or so, men have far more sexual problems than women, which is reason enough for an older woman to consider a younger man, with whom the sex can be just spectacular for quite some time," says social anthropologist Helen E. Fisher, PhD, professor at Rutgers University and chief scientific advisor of Chemistry.com.

What's in It for Older Women? continued...

But sex appeal aside, gender expert Susan Shapiro Barash says younger men also offer a cultural understanding of older women that they just don't get from men their own age or older.

"When it comes to issues like careers, money, even traditional female roles, men in their 50s often have a different mind-set about women than women have about themselves, mostly because the world hasn't changed as much for men in relation to how it's changed for women," says Barash, an instructor at Sarah Lawrence College and author of Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth About Women and Rivalry.

And oh, how it's changed! When the hit show All in the Family became part of our culture in 1971, the middle-aged woman of the day was brilliantly portrayed in the character of Edith Bunker – a doting, sexually inhibited housewife who lived to bring Archie his beer.

Fast forward some 30 years, and your TV dial lands on Sex and the City. Here, middle age took on a whole different meaning in the career-oriented, younger-man-loving character of Samantha.

What many viewers of both shows never realized: The characters of Edith and Samantha were approximately the same age!
And while 40-something women today are more likely to relate to the likes of Samantha, Barash says for many middle-aged and older men, Edith still has a foothold in their minds.

"In this respect, a younger man may be far more in tune with how an older woman in 2007 sees herself, particularly her goals, her dreams, her view of the world and of herself and her sexuality, than any man her own age will ever see her," says Barash.
And of course, no matter how a woman sees herself, who can resist the ego-boost that comes from discovering that not only do men still find you attractive, but that a younger man is interested in what you have to offer!

"At a time when a woman may feel she is losing her vitality, not to mention her looks, what could be better, or more appealing, or more energizing, than having the attention of a younger man, particularly if she has already walked away from one or more failed marriages with someone her own age," says Nancy O'Reilly, PsyD, founder and director of WomenSpeak.com.

What's in It for Younger Men?

While the perks for women may be clear, the waters get a little murky when it comes to nailing down what's in it for the younger guy. Experts say that's because at least in part, the desire for a younger, healthy, fertile partner is pretty much hardwired into men's DNA.

"From an [evolutionary] perspective, men are attracted to women who show signs of health, youth, and fertility; they always have, they always will. And in fact, if a man of 35 is going to choose from among a group of women aged 45, he's still going to go for the one who looks the youngest and the most spry," says Fisher.

That said, Fisher also reminds us that wants and needs can frequently override even hardwiring.

"And there are many things an older woman can offer a younger man that can short-circuit that hardwiring; things he wants and even craves, that he simply can't get from someone his own age," says Fisher.

Not only does this include the excitement of sexual experience and sexual confidence (a middle-aged woman pretty much knows what she wants, says Fisher), but also the excitement of just being around someone who has achieved a certain level of experience and sophistication.

Barash says she has the studies to prove this can be a turn-on for many young men.
"This goes right to the heart of two of my studies. In research for my book A Passion for More I found that younger men were involved with an older woman simply because she was so sophisticated and worldly and because she knew herself sexually and in terms of her emotional needs. It felt very safe for him, and he didn't have to figure out as much on his own, and he liked that," says Barash.

Fisher says that this, in combination with the financial freedom that coupling with an older woman can provide, is a powerful aphrodisiac for many young men.

"Fifty years ago, the only choice a young man had was to marry a younger woman and be the breadwinner. Today, by choosing a woman five or 10 years older who has her own career, he can take time to pursue his dreams. He can go to med school or become a concert violinist or start his own business, all without having to worry about being the breadwinner," says Fisher.

As glorious as older woman-younger man relationships can be, they are not without problems. Among those most often cited in studies: the woman's fear of growing physically old long before her partner, and how that fear eventually affects their intimate life.

"Women clearly have more doubts about entering into these relationships because of concerns they will age sooner. And some women also reported that intimacy was affected by the age difference, particularly as it related to attractiveness," says Caron. And while younger men expressed less concern over this issue, Caron says even women who were in good shape expressed worry about how they might stack up to younger women as time went on.

Another issue: the ticking biological clock.

"Either the woman's biological clock has run out or, as is often the case, this is a second marriage for her, so she already has children and doesn't want more," says Caron. Either way, if the man is young he may want the experience of fathering a child, and that can be a sticking point in the relationship down the road.

Moreover, in addition to whatever pressure society puts on the couple, there can also be internal pressures from friends and family, including adult children and parents, who may find the relationship difficult to understand or accept. This often forces couples to "go underground" for quite some time, which can also put a strain on the relationship.

Still, couples in Caron's study have endured, defending and highly recommending their choice. They say if a couple is willing to confront the difficulties, the rewards are great.

Are You in an Emotional Affairs?

2008-01-12T01:56:00.000-08:00

82% of affairs happen with someone who was at first "just a friend," according to noted infidelity researcher Shirley P. Glass.

Are you in an Emotional Affair?

YOU'VE PROBABLY CROSSED THE LINE IF YOU...

• Touch your male friend in "legal" ways, like picking lint off his blazer.

• Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him. -

• Think crush-like thoughts like, He'd love this song!

• Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner.

• No longer feel comfortable telling your husband about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.

• Experience increasing sexual tension; you admit your attraction to him but also insist to yourself that you would never act on it.

IT'S ABOUT TO GET PHYSICAL WHEN YOU...

• Find yourself feeling vulnerable and turn to the other man for support rather than to your husband or a trusted relative or girlfriend.

• Accelerate the level of intimacy through sexual or suggestive talk over e-mail or the phone.

• Put yourself in a situation where the two of you could be alone.

TO FORTIFY YOUR MARRIAGE...

• Stay honest with your husband. Share with him all your hopes, triumphs, and failures — as well as your attractions and temptations, which will help keep you from acting on them.

• Make time for just the two of you on a regular basis — away from the kids, your friends, and family.

• Surround yourself with happily married friends who don't believe in fooling around. Having positive, emotionally connected role models will help you stay on track

"READERS REVEAL I KNEW I'D GONE TOO FAR WHEN. . ."

"The guy who I was flirting with regularly over e-mail attended the same event as me and my fiancé. When I introduced them, my face flushed as red as a tomato — I felt embarrassed and guilty about my fiancé meeting this guy, so I knew what I was doing was wrong." — Carolyn, 31, Westfield, NJ

"One drunken night, my best guy friend and I confessed we had always liked each other. He was a perfect gentleman and left my place before we crossed the physical line. The next day I was completely embarrassed and knew that I didn't want to jeopardize the relationship with my boyfriend so I ended the friendship. And now the boyfriend is my husband, so I'm glad I did." — Allie, 29, Yonkers, NY

"The cute tech guy who I'd been flirting with at my office said to me, 'You're not going to invite me in?' after I accepted a ride home from him. I liked the attention of him buying me vending machine snacks and complimenting me, but my husband would've had a holy heart attack if he knew." — Amy, 38, Chicago

"My best guy friend and I were snuggled on his couch underneath a blanket when I realized that neither his girlfriend nor my boyfriend would be happy if they saw us — and that our platonic relationship wasn't as platonic as we thought." — Kim, 35, New Orleans

*Names have been changed.

Make Over Your Sex Life

2008-01-12T01:49:00.000-08:00

» Make Over Your Sex Life!
By Linda Lewis | Published 10/31/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Not getting any? Our couple wasn’t either—until they tried a few of these hot ideas.

Sure, sex is all around us—in music, movies, the news, and even neighborhood drugstores (mine displays an array of inviting products right up front). You’d think we’d all be having it, all the time. We’re not. In fact, in a recent study nearly 20 percent of American couples reveal that they hadn’t had any sex at all in the past month. A month off doesn’t mean you’re sex-starved (in clinical terms, that would be six months), but it’s certainly not a great way to keep a relationship strong. Physical intimacy, as we all know, is an important and necessary part of bonding. So, what’s going on here?

To find out, I turned to Celeste and Rob, who have been married nine years, are working parents of a 4-year-old, and admit that sometimes they are just too pooped to pop. They let me take a peek into their bedroom and offer some tips on revving things up.

The issue: More snoozing than smooching

Like many couples, Celeste and Rob have intense, mismatched schedules, which means they don’t connect much on week-nights. “During the week my husband and I scarcely see each other. I leave really early for work, before he’s even up. Then Rob’s not home evenings until late, sometimes 9 p.m., just when I’m getting ready to pack it in,” Celeste says.

The Rx: Weeknight sex

It’s nice to have something to look forward to during the week, and sex is a great way to relieve stress and reconnect. To make it fun, take turns thinking of special treats for that night—food, a sexy video, massage oil, whatever inspires you.
Sex-o-meter: Yes, yes, yes!

When I checked back with Rob and Celeste, Thursday nights had become fun and sexy. Rob cut his lunch hour short so he could come home earlier. And Celeste got in the mood by indulging in a leisurely bath. He arrived with surprise treats, from sumptuous finger foods to sexy videos. Over time, Celeste started taking the lead—setting the stage, wearing something sensual, selecting a sex toy.

The issue: Not loving the love handles

Like many couples, Celeste and Rob have watched their bodies mature over nine years of marriage in ways that are not so sexy. Celeste points out, “It’s hard to love your body and even harder to have sex if you aren’t feeling sexy. I know that I don’t want to have sex on days when I feel fat or just down about myself.”

The Rx: Get fit for great sex

Studies show that people get a nice sex-life boost from losing 5 to 10 pounds. Plus, exercising increases energy, sex-hormone levels, and confidence about sex appeal. Feeling that you look good has a lot to do with how much fun you’re going to have in bed.

Sex-o-meter: Feeling frisky

Celeste goes to the gym during her lunch hour now. And Rob started a before-work routine. The first time they took a run together, they returned very much in the mood, which led to a memorable post-run romp.

The issue: Too much coitus interruptus

Let’s face it, kids can be sex killers. Blame it on lack of sleep, changing diapers, and all the other challenges of raising young children. Rob and Celeste have a 4-year-old who typically sleeps through the night. But, Rob says, “sometimes, even I get distracted during lovemaking knowing that Celeste is on the alert for him.”
The Rx: Make a love nest

On the occasional child-free night (give grandma a call), you can create a boudoir atmosphere right in your own home—or in the backyard or on the balcony (if it’s private). Push two couches together or make a plush floor area of velvet throws and pillows.

Sex-o-meter:Sheer bliss

Rob and Celeste were amazed at how much a simple change of venue in their very own home could boost their sexual excitement. Following my suggestion, they pushed their living room–sectional pieces together, creating a love-nest atmosphere that led to the best sexual experience Rob and Celeste had had in months.

The issue: The myth of spontaneous eruption

Sad but true: After the early years of a relationship, you’re not so likely to be spontaneous or adventuresome. And all that scheduling to have sex can make it seem rote, Rob and Celeste admit. “Compared with the early days, we’ve become very proficient,” Celeste says. “But I miss the spontaneous surprises and intensity.”

The Rx: Spice-it-up box

A fun way to add spontaneity is to use a suggestion box. Both partners can write down sexual things they’d like to do and stick them into the box. Then on sex night, they can pick a sexy suggestion from the box.

Sex-o-meter: Off the charts!

Celeste and Rob loved the box. “It gave us a safe place to ask each other for things without being embarrassed,” Celeste says. “This seriously made our lives a little more spontaneous and enjoyable.” Rob adds, “I often find myself writing down things at work and placing them in my pocket.

My biggest fear is that I’ll forget to put my idea in the box and the dry cleaner will find it and look at me differently every time I pick up my clothes!”

Linda De Villers, PhD, is a certified sex therapist based in California and author of Love Skills.

Older Americans Have Active Sex Lives

2008-01-12T01:43:00.000-08:00

Older Americans Have Active Sex Lives
By Rogger Miller | Published 10/31/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Though half report bothersome sexual problems, sexually active Americans aged 57-85 have sex as often as those aged 18-59.

The findings come from a nationally representative sample of 3,005 U.S. residents. They show that sexual intimacy remains an important part of most people's lives as they age, says researcher Stacy Tessler Lindau, MD, of the University of Chicago.

"Many older and younger men and women make the choice not to be sexually active. But the majority of people, young and old, do engage in sexuality," Lindau said at a news conference.

How sexually active are older Americans?

"An interesting finding is among those sexually active, the frequency we saw of sex two or three times a month or more is not different from 18- to 59-year-olds," Lindau said. "So if one has a partner, the frequency of sex does not change a lot between age groups."

It is people's health -- not their age -- that ultimately limits their sexual activity, says researcher Edward O. Laumann, PhD, of the University of Chicago.
Sexual inactivity is "much more a consequence of health than otherwise," Laumann said at the news conference. "When sexual health begins to deteriorate, it is an important warning sign of more profound health problems."

Inevitably, aging people do reach a point at which sex becomes increasingly rare, says researcher Linda J. Waite, PhD, of the University of Chicago.

"The one thing that surprised me was that among the oldest adults with sex partners, only a minority reported being sexually active," Waite said at the news conference. "There seems to be a point in people's lives when their health declines. They become frail, and -- although still partnered -- they are not having any kind of sexual activity. That is an important part of the picture of sexuality in older ages."

During the survey, trained researchers interviewed subjects, administered questionnaires asking intimate questions, and obtained medical data including blood, saliva, and vaginal swab samples.

The survey unearthed what Lindau calls "a gold mine" of data on the sexuality of Americans aged 57-85. Some key facts:

• People in "very good" or "excellent" health were far more likely to be sexually active than those in "fair" or "poor" health: 79% more likely for men, and 64% more likely for women.

• At any age, women were less likely than men to have an intimate partner. This disparity "increased dramatically with age," the researchers found.

• Few older people not in a relationship are sexually active: only 22% of men and only 4% of women.

• 54% of sexually active older people have sex at least two to three times a month. Twenty-three percent report sex once a week or more.

• Oral sex is reported by 58% of sexually active people aged 57-64 and by 31% of those aged 75-85.

• Masturbation is reported by 52% of men and 25% of women in an intimate relationship and by 55% of men and 23% of women not in relationships. "This suggests older adults have a drive or a need for sexual fulfillment," Lindau says.

• Sex is "not at all important" for 35% of older women, but only 13% of older men. "Women say, 'On the one hand I am not now interested in sex, but if I met the right kind of partner, maybe I would consider it,'" Lindau says.

• Half of all older people report at least one bothersome sexual problem.

• The most common sexual problems for men are erection difficulty (37%), lack of interest in sex (28%), climaxing too quickly (28%), performance anxiety (27%), and inability to climax (20%).

• The most common sexual problems for women are lack of interest in sex (43%), difficulty with lubrication (39%), inability to climax (34%), finding sex not pleasurable (23%), and pain (17%).

• The most common reason for not having sex was the male partner's physical health.
• Even though most older people report some sexual problems, only 38% of men and 22% of women 50 years or older ever discuss sex with their doctors.

Healthy Sex at Older Ages

The survey suggests that most people eventually will have to negotiate sexual problems as the age, says John H.J. Bancroft, MD, director emeritus and senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction, Indiana University, Bloomington.

An editorial by Bancroft, the author of the landmark book Human Sexuality and Its Problems, accompanies the Lindau study in the Aug. 23 issue of The New England Journal of Medicine.

Bancroft says that relationships and mental health are more important predictors of sexual well-being than physical troubles with sexual arousal and sexual response.
"A key and fundamental issue is, when older men start to lose the ability for erections, how should they adapt to that? Obviously, this depends on the partner. So there is a need for negotiation," Bancroft tells WebMD.

One option is for the couple to shift the emphasis away from erections to sexual intimacy that does not require an erection. But this may be difficult for some people -- men in particular.

"We live in a very phallocentric society in which men grow up to focus on their erections as being all-important," Bancroft says. "Here is an important difference between men and women. What the penis is doing is much more central to the man's sexual experience than the woman's genitalia are to hers. She tends to focus on her feelings."

An informed doctor, Bancroft says, can help couples explore forms of sexual intimacy that do not always require a male erection.

"The approach to sex therapy that I and others use gets couples to work through stages: working with touch at first, and vaginal entry only at the later stages," he says. "And a lot can happen in those really early stages in terms of touching and feeling close and intimacy."

A second issue, Bancroft says, is that both men and women find it more difficult to reach orgasm as they age.

"What is desirable, and what I encourage any couple to do, is to look for ways to enjoy physical intimacy without having the same expectations they had when they were younger," he advises. "Much of the bonding effect of physical intimacy does not depend on sex. Indeed, intimacy can be enhanced for couples that can embrace changes rather than be threatened by them."

Spouses May Inspire Healthy Lifestyle

2008-01-12T01:36:00.000-08:00

Spouses May Inspire Healthy Lifestyle
By Linda Lewis | Published 11/1/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Spouses may inspire each other to adopt a healthy lifestyle, according to a new study on marriage and health.

"We find that when one spouse changes a poor health behavior, the other spouse is likely to change behavior as well," write researchers Tracy Falba, PhD, and Jody Sindelar, PhD.

So if you want your spouse to adopt some healthy habits, you might take the lead and make that change yourself.

Falba is a visiting assistant professor of economics at Duke University. Sindelar is a professor at Yale University's department of epidemiology and public health.
They studied data on more than 6,000 U.S. adults who were married (and stayed married to the same person) from 1996 to 2000.

The husbands and wives completed surveys about exercise, smoking, alcohol use, flu shots, and cholesterol screening in 1996 and 2000.

The researchers focused on husbands and wives who smoked, drank, and didn't exercise or get flu shots or cholesterol tests in 1996. The key question: Who had upgraded their health habits by 2000?

Spouse as Healthy Lifestyle Role Model

Falba and Sindelar considered many factors, including medical diagnoses that might shock husbands or wives into paying more attention to their health.
Across the board, husbands and wives tended to follow in each other's footsteps in adopting healthy habits.

Spouses were five to six times more likely to quit smoking, quit drinking, and to start getting flu shots if their spouse started doing so during the study.
Spouses were about 50% more likely to start exercising and about 80% more likely to get a cholesterol test if their spouse started doing so, the study also shows.
It didn't matter who made those changes first. Husbands and wives influenced each other equally.

It's not clear if the spouses quietly inspired each other through their example, or whether they asked their spouse to join them in their new healthy habits.
For instance, a wife who quit smoking might get rid of the ashtrays in the house and ask her husband not to smoke around her. Or a husband might inspire his wife to exercise by starting his own fitness program.

"Family members, especially spouses, have important impacts on each other, and we have shown that this influence extends to health behaviors," write Falba and Sindelar.

"Thus, attempts to change behavior may be enhanced, or thwarted, by the behavior of family members, especially spouses," the researchers add.

The study appears in the advance online edition of Health Services Research.

Men Don't Talk Less Than Women

2008-01-12T01:32:00.000-08:00

Men Don't Talk Less Than Women
By Peter Hill | Published 11/1/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

There's new buzz about how much women and men talk -- and if you're picturing Chatty Cathy and Silent Steve, think again.

Both sexes say the same amount of words -- about 16,000 per day -- a new study shows.
The study, published in today's issue of the journal Science, included nearly 400 undergraduate students -- 210 women and 186 men.

Each student wore a device called an electronically activated recorder (EAR) during their waking hours.

The device quietly recorded the students' words for 30 seconds at a time, every 12 minutes or so. But the students didn't know when the recorder was on. They were told it recorded at random times.

The researchers included Matthias Mehl, PhD, assistant professor at the University of Arizona's psychology department. They padded the recorder so students couldn't sense when it was on.

They transcribed the students' tapes and then estimated how many words the students said daily, based on 17 waking hours per day.

Men Talk, Women Talk

"The data suggest that women spoke on average 16,215 words and men 15,669 words" per day, the researchers write.

But that difference of 546 words isn't exactly carved in stone. In fact, it's so small that the researchers say it could have been due to chance.

"Thus, the data fail to reveal a reliable sex difference in daily word use," write the researchers, who call the chat count a "lexical budget."
Some students were chattier than others.

For instance, one of the most talkative men uttered 47,000 words per day, while the quietest guy barely spoke 500 words, Mehl notes in a University of Arizona news release.

Most of the students were studying psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. That's where Mehl worked on the study as a graduate student.
The study also included about 100 students from the Autonomous University of Nuevo Leon in Monterrey, Mexico.

The sound clips were gathered in six groups of students from 1998 to 2004. Women didn't substantially outtalk men in any of those groups.

The researchers conclude that even though they only studied college students, "the widespread and highly publicized stereotype about female talkativeness is unfounded."

7 Tips on Marriage to Stay in Love

2008-01-12T01:14:00.000-08:00

7 Marriage Tips to Stay Lucky in Love
By Richard Luong | Published 11/1/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

It's countdown time. Thousands of couples will walk down the aisle this Saturday, 7-7-07, hoping all those 7s -- the number long associated with luck -- will keep them lucky in love. It's one of the most popular wedding dates in modern history, according to overwhelmed wedding planners, florists, and photographers.

Relationship experts caution, however, that much more than luck is needed to stay together and beat the odds of a divorce, now estimated to end half of today’s marriages. Here, relationship experts consulted by WebMD offer their best marriage tips for how to stay lucky in love. And they go way beyond the usual tips to buy her flowers, cook his favorite meal, and remember to schedule date night.

Marriage Tip No. 1: Purge the "D'" word.

With the taste of wedding cake barely off their lips, divorce is the last thought -- or word -- on newlyweds' minds. But as the honeymoon period wanes, and day-to-day difficulties crop up, the word can come up frequently during arguments for some couples, say relationship counselors.

"Just don't go there," suggests Steve Brody, PhD, a psychologist in Cambria, Calif., who counsels couples. "Some people pull that out much too early, and much too often in a relationship. It raises a whole level of anxiety [in the person hearing it]."

Divorce is also considered a dirty word by the more than 200 "marriage masters" interviewed for the book, Project Everlasting. Co-authors Mat Boggs and Jason Miller, bachelors and childhood buddies from Portland, Ore., traveled the country to interview the couples, married 40 or more years, and ask for their best marriage tips.

"Don't use the D word" was one oft-repeated suggestion for keeping a happy marriage, Boggs says. These marriage masters told him, "You need all your energy to find the solution to a problem and work it out. If you are even giving any consideration to a divorce, you lessen your ability to solve the problem."

Of course, Boggs says, the marriage masters acknowledged that some situations are deal breakers, such as addiction, adultery, or abuse. But when the problem is less severe, many of the marriage masters told him they create a "ledger of life." They get out a piece of paper and write down everything they love about their spouse. Eventually, they shift gears and begin to focus on what is right, not what's wrong.

Learning the seven bad habits and the seven good ones is the easy part, admit William Glasser, MD, a Los Angeles psychiatrist, and his wife, Carleen Glasser, MA, who co-authored Eight Lessons for a HappierMarriage and include this idea in their book and counseling sessions. Putting them into practice takes effort, of course.

The seven deadly habits are criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing.

The seven caring habits include supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating your differences.

Marriage Tip No. 3: Take care of yourself.

This marriage tip is short and sweet: "Take care of yourself physically and spiritually," Brody tells couples.

That way, your stress will be down and your tolerance will be up. You'll be less likely to get on each other's nerves -- and to squabble. You're more likely to have a happy marriage.

Marriage Tip No. 4: Discuss outside friendships.

While some married couples consider activities such as workplace friendships with members of the opposite sex acceptable, some relationship experts disagree.

"I'm not big on cross-gender friendships for married people," Brody says. "It's playing with fire." One exception, in his book: If a wife has a friendship with a gay man or a husband has a friendship with a gay woman, he's fine with that, since the romance potential is nonexistent. Otherwise, he says, the line is too easy and tempting to cross.

Marriage Tip No. 5: Stop trying to control your partner.

It's another one of those easier-said-than done marriage tips, of course. But trying to control each other -- using a technique psychologists call "external control" -- is the main source of marital unhappiness, according to the Glassers. In a happy marriage, partners know they cannot control each other.

You have practiced this "external control" if you have ever told your partner they need to behave the way you want them to or that you know what is right.

Learning not to control a partner can be a long process, but the Glassers offer some tips on educating yourself. "Think first," Carleen Glasser says. Ask yourself: "If I can only control my own behavior, what can I do to help the marriage?" Then think of what you can change to make the problem better, she suggests.

"Be honoring all the time," says Thomas Merrill. That means no "my old lady" stories, he says. And it also means a wife shouldn't be flirting with male co-workers or other men.

Marriage Tip No. 6: Respect.

Respect was also a marriage tip that came up often from the marriage masters, Boggs says. "The No. 1 principle that almost everyone talked about is respect," he says. "You can have respect without love, but you cannot have love without respect."

Respect, say those with a happy marriage, means not undermining your partner in front of the children. "And don't go outside the marriage when you are having a problem," Boggs says they advised. "Discuss it with your partner."

Respect also means not criticizing your mate in front of others, Miller and Boggs were often told by the marriage masters. To make this marriage tip easier to practice, consider the input of one marriage master on the topic, Boggs says. "One man told me, 'Let's say someone is walking by when you are criticizing your mate. That is the only opinion they have of you.'"

Marriage Tip No. 7: If you're the wife, lower your expectations. If you're the husband, step up to the plate.

When Steve Brody and his wife, Cathy Brody, MFT, a marriage and family counselor, toured the country to promote their book, Renew Your Marriage at Midlife, they asked audiences what they wanted from marriage.

"Women expected to be loved, cherished, listened to, cared for, and courted," Steve Brody says. They had a long list of wants and expectations, he recalls. The men joked that their expectations were more basic: Their typical answers, Brody says: "Bring food and show up naked."

While the men were half joking, the gaps in expectations are a good lesson. To close the gap, Brody says, women need to lower their expectations -- to not expect 24/7 romance, for instance, especially if their mate has just worked an unbelievably long week.

Men need to do some of the things the woman wants, such as prioritize their relationship and listen more, he says. In a nutshell, Brody says, "Men need to do the same things at home that they do at work." He tells the husbands he counsels to think of it this way: "Your wife is the million-dollar client. If she walks out the door, the business is closed."
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7 Relationship Problems and How to Solve Them.

2008-01-12T01:01:00.000-08:00

7 Relationship Problems and How to Solve Them
By Rogger Miller | Published 11/5/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

It’s a rare couple that doesn’t run into at least a few relationship problems -- even when their love life is generally happy. It helps, experts say, to know what the most common problems in a relationship or marriage are. That way you’ll have a better chance of getting through them if they occur in yours. Scott Haltzman, MD, is a clinical assistant professor of psychology at Brown University in Providence, R.I. “Knowing what to expect from relationships -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- is the best way to make sure you're not looking for something that will never be there,” Haltzman says.

Ideally, basic topics such as money, sex, and kids should be discussed before a couple decide to share their life together, says Margaret A. Cochran, PhD. Cochran is a San Francisco Bay area psychotherapist who coaches couples on resolving marriage problems and building romantic intimacy. But agreeing on these things, she says, doesn’t guarantee that a marriage or long-term relationship is going to be trouble free.

Marriage and family therapist Terri Orbuch, PhD, director of the NIH-funded Early Years of Marriage project at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, has identified seven common relationship problems and ways to address them. Her suggestions can help you get a wobbly relationship back on track.

Relationship problem #1: Lack of trust

Trust is an essential part of a relationship, Orbuch tells WebMD. “Trust becomes an issue when one partner doesn’t feel the other is being honest, or doesn’t have his or her best interests at heart,” she says. It can become a major issue if one of you feels the other has a roving eye — or worse, sees signs of a cheating spouse.

Orbuch‘s solution is a “trust talk.” You and your partner need to ask one another about your feelings about and experience with dependability and commitment. What are the behaviors that are causing you to lose trust in your partner or to doubt his or her commitment? Finally -- and Orbuch says you need to think about this carefully -- do you have unresolved issues of your own that hinder your ability to trust others? “You have to have a trustworthy partner,” Orbuch says, “but you also have to have the ability to trust.”

Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN, author of When Your “Perfect Partner” Goes Perfectly Wrong, offers these tips to help you and your partner develop trust in each other.

• Be consistent.
• Be on time. When you have to be late, call and say you’ll be late.
• Do what you say you will do, and call when you say you will call.
• Don’t lie — not even little white lies — to your partner or to others.
• Be fair, even in an argument.
• Be sensitive to the other’s feelings. You can still disagree, but don’t discount how your partner feels.
• Carry your fair share of chores.
• Respect your partner’s boundaries.
• Be a good listener.
• Try not to overreact when things go wrong.
• Don’t dig up old wounds. Remember that once you say things, you can’t take them back.
• Don't be jealous.

Relationship problem #2: Issues with sex

Even partners who love each other can have problems in their sexual relationship, says Orbuch. Pointing to the thorny issues of frequency, satisfaction, types of sexual activity, and the role of physical intimacy in the rest of the relationship, Orbuch tells WebMD that the nature of sex can change over the course of a relationship. “The passage of time,” she says, “affects sexuality. Most couples don’t retain that urgent longing they first felt.”

Talking about your sexual relationship not only gets the issue out in the open, but can also be arousing, says Orbuch. “Talk about your fantasies, how often you’d like to have sex, what things you might like to try,” she says. For many women, talk leads to intimacy, though that’s not always true for men. Passion can also be fueled by “newness.” “Do something new and exciting with your partner," Orbuch says, "whether that’s taking a cooking class together or arranging a mystery date.”

Relationship problem #3: Not enough communication

“Many couples assume that handling daily tasks is communicating,” Orbuch says. “But true communication means sharing your goals and thoughts and dreams — not just talking about whose turn it is to pick up the kids.”

Orbuch tells WebMD it’s important to spend at least five minutes a day talking about topics other than work, your schedules, and your kids. “This can be in person, on the phone, or even in email,” she says. “Or make a point of gathering at the dinner table each night to talk. This is important even if you’re a couple without kids.” Childless couples can get stuck in communication ruts, too.

Communicating with each other can go a long way toward resolving your relationship problems. But don’t be hesitant to seek help from a professional counselor. “Whether you’re a new couple, in the middle of your relationship, or long-established partners," says Orbuch, "a third party can help you if you get stuck."

Relationship problem #4: Money issues

Money issues are a sore spot for many couples. Addressing them involves many questions, says Orbuch, from how much money you each think you should save to who earns more and who makes the financial decisions. “Money is an especially sensitive subject,” says Orbuch. “People just don’t like to talk about it."

Every three months, Orbuch says, you should schedule a “money talk.” Make a list of short- and long-term financial goals, and plan for how much you're spending and how much you're saving. “It’s not unusual for one partner to play a more primary role in money matters,” says Orbuch, “but the other partner should be involved and aware. One person shouldn't be making big financial decisions alone.”

Relationship problem #5: Dividing chores

“Who does what at home can be a source of conflict between couples,” says Orbuch. “Women like to feel that they’re part of a team. It doesn’t have to be 50-50, but it does have to be fair.”

Orbuch says you should choose a time when you’re not frustrated or angry and you're both feeling relaxed. Then discuss each of your expectations. Do you expect your husband to take out the trash? Does he expect you to cook dinner? If reality doesn’t meet your expectations, instead of being frustrated, look for solutions together that may work better for each of you.

Relationship problem #6: Managing conflict

Most couples argue from time to time. “It’s not the amount of conflict, but how you handle it,” says Orbuch. “Destructive behavior, such as yelling, shouting, or withdrawing, is not appropriate. You need to develop a constructive conflict style.”
Start by bringing up your concerns in a timely way, Orbuch says, but find the right time to talk. That’s not when the kids are clamoring for your attention, or when your partner has just walked in from work at the end of a long day. Remain as calm as possible, and use “I statements" to explain how you think and feel. For example: “I feel neglected when you don’t call if you’re going to be late,” instead of: “You’re so thoughtless you can’t even pick up a phone.” And, Orbuch says, make sure you’re really listening to what your partner is saying, not thinking about your response while he or she is talking. Keep lines of communication open — remember, disagreement doesn't necessarily mean disrespect.

Relationship problem #7: Maintaining compatibility

Compatibility doesn’t always mean having similar hobbies and interests, says Orbuch. Rather, it has more to do with having similar attitudes and values. “Couples who feel the same way about issues such as children, religion, and lifestyle are more likely to stay together,” Orbuch says.

The solution again is to talk, says Orbuch. “You don’t need to be compatible on all issues,” she says, “but you should think alike on at least some of the major issues in your relationship.” For the topics you don’t agree on, Orbuch tells WebMD, you should discuss whether there's room for compromise or negotiation, and how this might affect your relationship. For instance, Orbuch says, “If one of you really wants children and the other really doesn’t, you need to honestly evaluate whether you can maintain your relationship."

While you're resolving a relationship problem

If you're working on one of these relationship problems, says Karen Sherman, PhD, there are things you can do that will help you appreciate each other while you resolve them. Sherman, a New York psychologist and co-author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, Make It Last, says you should keep the following in mind.

1. Respect each other. Speak and behave respectfully toward one another. Don't humiliate or put your partner down, especially in public. When you speak with each other, speak as you did when you first started dating.

2. Show appreciation of one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate that you . . . ." It lets your partner know that he or she matters.

3. Be realistic. Thinking your mate will meet all your needs — and will be able to figure them out without your asking — is a Hollywood fantasy. “Ask for what you need directly,” says Sherman.

4. Recognize that the two of you are different, come from different families, and have been raised differently. Rather than getting annoyed or assuming that your partner doesn't care, open up and be receptive to learn about your partner's different way of doing things.

5. Use humor. Learn to let things go, and enjoy one another more. Have fun!

Things To Remember in Adult Dating

2008-01-12T00:46:00.000-08:00

Returning to the Dating Scene
By Rogger Miller | Published 11/15/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Whether you're bouncing back after a divorce, or recovering from the death of your life partner, returning to the dating scene is never easy.
Indeed, from the challenge of meeting someone new, to wondering if he'll call again, to those inevitable questions about sex and intimacy, the prospect of getting back in the groove can seem downright daunting.

The important thing to remember, however, is that almost every woman shares at least some of that same anxiety. Moreover, if you do want to start dating again, you won't have to look far to find companionship!

According to the online dating company, Match.com, baby boomers are its fastest-growing group of members. Indeed, many in this age group are divorced, single, or widowed, and now find themselves back out on the dating scene for the first time in years.

Now, if you have a happy and fulfilling life without dating, you shouldn't feel pressured into a social scene that's not right for you. At the same time, if you're craving adult companionship and maybe even a little romance, don’t be shy about filling those needs -- and the dating world is an excellent place to start!
To help you along the way, WebMD offers these tips from the experts on how to get started.

Adult Dating: Taking the Plunge

You’ve decided you want to try dating -- now what? How do you meet eligible people? Should you try online dating or do it the old-fashioned way, finding dates through friends and acquaintances?

San Francisco psychologist Jonathan Rosenfeld points out that dating is a numbers game: You’re probably going to have to meet a lot of people before you find someone you really like. “If you are a busy adult with work you’re committed to, and children at home, then you have to make dating efficient,” Rosenfeld says. “And there is no more efficient vehicle than the Internet.”

“Remember that you are looking for a good fit, not validation,” Rosenfeld continues. “Many people make the mistake of putting out a generic profile that will attract a lot of people. But if you do that, you’re going to attract a lot of people who aren’t a good fit, and that can be exhausting – and demoralizing.”

Instead, says Rosenfeld, when you are creating your online profile, “Avoid generic likes and dislikes, like walking on the beach,” he says. “Don’t be strident or negative, but don’t hesitate to state strong beliefs. Don’t be shy about saying who you are. You may get fewer responses, but you’re likely to be more compatible with the people who respond.”

Whether you’re dating online or not, it can’t hurt to also let friends, family members, and acquaintances know that you’re available and want to meet people. There is no guarantee that you are going to like your sister-in-law's newly divorced first cousin, of course, but the connection ensures that your date is not a complete unknown.

Once you’ve made a connection -- either online, through friends, or by striking up a conversation with someone in the grocery store -- and you’ve arranged to get together, there are some important things to remember.

1. Meet on neutral territory. Arrange to meet at a café or restaurant rather than at your home or his. If you have made a connection online and know nothing about your date, you may want to be extra cautious by letting a friend know where you will be meeting and at what time.

2. Keep it short and sweet. For your first meeting, it is best to arrange a coffee date rather than a dinner or an afternoon at a museum. If you don't seem to be hitting it off, it's easier for both parties when there's a quick escape route! Moreover, to help ease the anxiety of a first-time date, Rosenfeld suggests you "sandwich" the meeting between two other activities you really like.

“Before you meet your date, do something that puts you in a positive frame of mind; then, after the date is over, meet up with a friend," he says. If the date is a disaster, you'll have someone to commiserate with. And if it's great – you'll have someone to celebrate with.

3. Keep the conversation casual. This is not the time to discuss your favorite baby names or your ongoing feud with your ex. There will be plenty of time for such discussions if you continue dating, but a first meeting should be light and breezy. Ask about his interests and how he spends his time, and share the same information about yourself with him.

4. Don’t forget to have fun. Don’t pressure yourself into deciding if this is the person you want to grow old with -- remember, its just coffee! Try to make the outing entertaining and interesting -- for both of you. Jonathan Rosenfeld suggests that people view dating as an adventure. “Everyone knows that adventures have ups and downs and they expect that,” he says. “If you think of dating the same way, you are less likely to be disappointed."

Assuming you and your date "hit it off," invariably the question of sex will arise -- sometimes as early as the first date. What's important to remember here is: It's your timetable. So, don’t hesitate to slow things down if your date is ready, but you are not. There are no “shoulds” when it comes to dating at midlife and physical intimacy, and you have a right to go at your own pace.

When the time arrives that you do feel ready, when, how, and where is less important than basic safety. If you've been out of the dating scene for some time, you may be unfamiliar with the essentials of safe sex. The message is simple -- and urgent: Always use a condom. Whether or not pregnancy is a possibility, you need to make sure you are protected from HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

San Francisco relationship expert and writer Mera Granberg advises women to carry condoms if there is any chance they will be having sex. “Many women I talk to are afraid to carry condoms because they don’t want their date to think they are a slut,” she says. “But it’s your health we’re talking about, and you have to be a grown-up. If your date can’t handle the fact that you want to protect yourself, you probably aren’t interested in him anyway.”

If your relationship continues -- and it's an exclusive arrangement for both of you -- unprotected sex might be OK but only after you both get tested for sexually transmitted diseases -- and wait for reassuring results. Experts warn not to take risks, no matter how convincing your partner may be. If you're not certain about any aspect of protection, talk to your doctor, or ask a trusted and well-informed friend.

Adult Dating: Things to Remember

Although most experts say dating is much like riding a bicycle -- you never forget how – it also means that a bump in the road can lead to a nasty spill when you least expect it.

To help ease the transition from newly single to coupling up again, here's some additional advice that can help.

Take it slow. Don’t pressure yourself to make any decisions after a first date. In many cases it will be crystal clear that there is no connection, in which case you can tactfully explain this before the date ends, or in a follow-up phone call or email. If you aren’t sure if the chemistry is there, and want to see the person again, go ahead -- it can develop over time. In most instances you should know within three or four dates if this is a relationship worth pursuing.

Consider your children. If you have children, it is important to keep their needs front and center. This means protecting them from adult issues and disappointments. Your children don’t need to know all the ins and outs of your dating life, and they don’t need to meet your dates until you are certain they will be playing a significant role in your life. When the time comes, arrange for a casual meeting but keep it short. Experts say it's not a good idea to bring anyone into your children's life until you are certain they'll be around for a while.

Get the memo. This is a phrase coined by Mera Granberg to describe the importance of listening to your date -- and really hearing those subtle but revealing things he says that are omens of what’s to come. Granberg contends that whenever we meet a new person, there is always a memo, whether we want to hear it or not.

“It can be something as simple as ‘I’m not very good at relationships,'” Granberg says. But that little “memo,” says Granberg, is an indication of who he is and what's important to him, so pay attention. Keeping your eyes and ears open can prevent you from building illusions that will come crashing down later on. “When I look at all my relationships that went south,” Granberg says, “I can find the memo and I always got it early. But I didn’t actually read the memo.” Paying attention to a potential partner’s messages, she says, is the best way to prevent a dating disaster in the making.

Adult Dating: Your Reality Check

While some women find it easy to end one relationship and start another, for others letting go -- and starting again -- can be difficult and painful. Indeed, experts say that sometimes it’s better to allow some time to pass between a failed relationship and the start of another one -- time that can help you reflect on what you really want and need in a partner.

As clinical psychologist Rosenfeld says, “You need to understand why your marriage or previous relationship didn’t work. If you don’t, you are at high risk for repeating the same mistakes again.”

One clue: If you find that you are particularly nervous, uncomfortable, or reactive, or if you find yourself making constant comparisons between your ex and your date (even in your own mind) you may not be quite ready to get back into the dating scene just yet. In which case, experts say, give yourself a bit more time to and then try again.

One of the great advantages of adult dating is that you bring maturity and wisdom to the dating process. With time and luck, you’ll meet someone capable of doing the same.

Loss and Rekindling of Libido in Men

2008-01-12T00:29:00.000-08:00

Loss of Libido in Men
By Peter Hill | Published 12/13/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Men don’t like to talk about it; neither do their partners. But loss of libido in men or inhibited sexual desire stresses a marriage more than any other sexual dysfunction, according to Barry McCarthy, co-author of Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages.

Losing interest in sex may not be as common an occurrence for men as it is for women: It affects about 15% to 16% of men, and at least double that many women. “But when men lose interest in sex it scares them more than women -- their masculinity is so linked to their sexuality that it is very threatening,” says Esther Perel, a couples therapist in New York city and author of Mating in Captivity.

Loss of libido also makes men more unhappy about the rest of their lives than it does women. Only 23% of men with loss of libido say they still feel very happy about life in general vs. 46% of women, says Edward Laumann, professor of sociology at the University of Chicago co-author of The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States. “It bothers men more.”

But loss of libido is not something you have to live with. There is much you can do to regain your sex drive and your happy outlook on life.

Libido loss doesn’t usually happen suddenly – it’s not like catching a cold where you wake up one morning and whoops, there it is. It can be a gradual process. Though difficult to define precisely, Laumann measures it as follows: “It is a lack of interest in sex for several months of the past year.”

Frequency of sexual activity is not the best measure of sexual interest – so many circumstances can get in the way of an encounter, even if the desire is there. But if you are in a committed relationship and having sex less often than the norm -- about once a week – you might ask yourself whether you are happy with things as they are.
If you’re not happy about your loss of libido, researchers agree that it is best to grapple with these issues before they become entrenched. To help identify the early warning signs, see whether you answer the following questions true or false:

1. Touching takes place only in the bedroom.

2. Sex does not give you feelings of connection and sharing.

3. One of you is always the initiator and the other feels pressured.

4. You no longer look forward to sex.

5. Sex is mechanical and routine.

6. You almost never have sexual thoughts or fantasies about your spouse.

7. You have sex once or twice a month at most.

“If you answered true to many or most of these questions, you may be on your way to losing sexual desire,” writes McCarthy. Understanding the various causes is the first step to finding the appropriate resolution.

What Accounts for Loss of Libido in Men?

The causes of this complex problem range from the physical and medical to the psychological and social. Quick fixes don’t solve everything.

• Erectile Dysfunction Causes Loss of Libido

Impotence, or ED, erectile dysfunction, is not the same as loss of libido, but when you experience one, sooner or later you are likely to feel the other as well. “Only 7% of young men report being unable to keep an erection,” Laumann says. Though ED does increase with age: “It’s 12% by age 40, 18% for ages 50-59; and then a sharp rise by age 60 to 25%to 30%,” says Laumann.

The good news: depending on the cause, “drugs can help that,” Laumann says. Vasodilators, such as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, enhance blood flow to the penis. It also helps to understand that it’s normal for erections to come and go during lovemaking -- "It can happen two to five times in a 45-minute sexual session,” McCarthy says.

• Performance Anxiety and Loss of Libido

Men report two major problems -- anxiety about performance and climaxing too early, according to Laumann. Almost one in three men report premature ejaculation, while under one in five are worried about performance, according to Laumann.
And the anxiety doesn’t stop there. Many modern, loving, and conscientious husbands feel they have not truly “performed” unless their partners climax during sex, too. And as Laumann’s statistics show, only 26% of women report that they always experience orgasm during sex, compared with 75% of men. No wonder men feel the pressure – and performing under pressure can cause loss of libido.

• Stress Leads to Loss of Libido

Job stress and self-esteem are also big factors. “If a man’s performance at work is challenged, and he doesn’t feel he is achieving or doesn’t feel self-worth, he often numbs himself sexually,” says Perel, “Desire is a healthy form of entitlement -- when you don’t feel deserving, you shut down.”

• Medical Conditions Can Cause Loss of Libido

A variety of medical problems and chronic physical conditions can diminish a man's sex drive. Serious illnesses, such as cancer and depression, can certainly dampen any thoughts of sex. Cardiovascular disease, hypertension, and diabetes can reduce blood flow to the body, including the genitals, wreaking havoc on libido as well. Chronic alcoholism and even occasional excessive alcohol consumption are notorious for inflaming desire but impeding performance. Conditions such as thyroid disorders and tumors of the pituitary gland (which controls most hormone production, including sex hormones) can also lower libido.

• Medications Can Interfere With Libido

The class of depression drugs called SSRIs can inhibit desire. So can tranquilizers and blood pressure medications. Illicit substances, such as heroin, cocaine, and marijuana, when used heavily and chronically, may also cause loss of libido. On the positive side, when you talk to your doctor about these issues, there are alternative drugs for depression and other conditions that may have less of an impact on sexual desire.

• The Quality of the Relationship Is an Important Part of Libido

It is not only women who respond – with sexiness or inhibited sexuality – to how happy they are in their relationship. Problems with sex can – but do not always – signal other problems in the relationship that need to be addressed. Anger and disappointment often carry over into the bedroom.

• Too Much Togetherness Can Sap Libido

The paradox of modern relationships is that greater intimacy may not make for better sex. “Sometimes too much closeness stifles desire; fire needs air,” says Perel.. “Separateness is a precondition for connection. When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire.”

• The Wrong Kind of Respect Can Cause Loss of Libido

For some men, the very love and respect they have for their partners – especially after the birth of a baby – can become an obstacle to sexual desire. “A lot of men find it difficult to eroticize the mother of their children. It feels too regressive, too incestuous,” says Perel. And of course, if they are pulling their weight in the care of a baby or young children, the resulting exhaustion can sap libido for men as surely as it does for women.

Even where children are not involved, Perel reports that some men say things like, “I can’t do that with my wife.” Her advice? In the first instance, get some sleep. In the second, you never know until you try.

8 Tips for Rekindling Libido

The advice here is not so much about getting more, but getting better. Frequency is not the only measure of libido. Feelings count, too. If you look forward to sex, and feel good about it before, during, and after, that is the true measure of whether your libido is healthy. Here’s how to help combat loss of libido.

1. Get physical and Boost Libido

“When you have no desire you feel frozen. Juice is not flowing – so movement is important, figuratively as well as literally,” say Perel. “It gets people unstuck.” Take up a sport, go walking, with or without your partner. If you already walk or run or work out, try challenging yourself just a little bit further, so you feel a sense of accomplishment and vitality. That physical confidence will carry over into sexual confidence.

2. Keep Expectations Real

It may take the pressure off performance anxiety to bear in mind that not every sexual encounter has to be perfect. Probably only about 40% to 50% of sexual events can be mutually satisfying, McCarthy writes in his book. If you laugh off moments when things don’t work right, your partner will be more likely to want to experiment the next time around, since it takes some pressure and guilt off of her, too.

3. Use Imagination to Fight Loss of Libido

Yes, exploring your fantasies is now regarded by marriage therapists as a good thing. If you want your partner to share in the joy, you may want to both explore further some of the newer erotic literature and films that include female fantasies as well as male. After you’ve shared yours, ask your partner about her fantasies. If she says she doesn’t have any, don’t stop there. Instead, ask her to name just one thing she has ever wished a man would do to give her pleasure. (That’s a fantasy, but she may not call it that.)

4. Build Anticipation to Combat Loss of Libido

Sure, the idea of sex being utterly spontaneous -- no planning, just the heat of the moment -- sounds great. But for anyone with jobs, family, and real lives, there just may not be enough hours in the day to wait for the inclination to arise. Instead, turn planning into an opportunity to build anticipation, the way you look forward to going to a basketball game. Take pleasure in the details – get your partner a little gift, put on your favorite music from college days, turn off the phones and hire a babysitter to take the kids out to a long movie so there will be no interruptions.

5. Focus on the Whole Body to Boost Libido.

For men, sexuality tends to be focused disproportionately on the genitals. Focusing on the other erogenous zones can ease performance pressure – and add new pleasure. Where sexual satisfaction is concerned, the shortest distance between two points – from arousal to orgasm -- is not necessarily a straight line to the genitals. Take detours along the whole body, for yourself and your partner. Be pleasure oriented, not goal oriented. Tease and touch and take your time.

6. Talk About What You Want to Increase Libido

Talking is hard in the best of times, but even harder if you have been avoiding sex together and tension is high. So if you can’t talk, get one of the dozens of excellent sex books out there and point to a chapter. Cozy up and read it together. Look at the pictures, laugh – and let your partner know you’re open to making things better between you.

7. Go Out With Friends Together

Desire feeds on newness. When you go out to a dinner party with other people, you get the chance to see your partner in a fresh light. You remember how interesting and exciting she is – and she gets to see you shine as well. You remember why you were attracted to each other in the first place.

8. Specialists Can Help Combat Loss of Libido

When you have an electrical problem, you call an electrician, right? Sex and marital specialists can be just as helpful when it comes to loss of libido, so get over your resistance to asking for directions, and call one.

Check with your doctor or urologistto rule out any medical conditions that may be playing a part. If you are taking medication, such as an antidepressant, that may be causing loss of libido, discuss alternatives with your doctor.

Male Sweat May Arouse Women

2008-01-12T00:22:00.000-08:00

Smell of Male Sweat May Arouse Women
By Linda Lewis | Published 12/13/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Male sweat contains a compound that appears to boost women's mood, sexual arousal, and stress hormone levels. So says Claire Wyart, PhD, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of California, Berkeley Olfactory Research Project, and colleagues.

The compound, called androstadienone (AND), "does cause hormonal, as well as physiological and psychological, changes in women," Wyart says in a university news release.

The findings may lead to new treatments for people with hormone problems, Wyart's team writes in The Journal of Neuroscience.

Sniffing Study

Wyart and colleagues studied 21 healthy, heterosexual women (average age: 22).
At the researchers' lab, the women rated their mood and watched a soothing nature video to help them relax before the experiment began.

Next, they sniffed a jar that contained pure AND (which smells "vaguely musky," according to the UC Berkeley news release) or baker's yeast, which doesn't contain AND.

Meanwhile, the researchers monitored the women's blood pressure, heart rate, breathing, skin temperature, and fidgeting.

After sniffing the jar, the women watched five-minute video clips of funny, sad, or erotic content, followed by 10 minutes of videos with emotionally neutral content.
AND's effects are "more pronounced in these emotional contexts," the researchers explain.

Lastly, the women rated their mood, the pleasantness and intensity of the odor in the vial, and their level of sexual arousal. They also provided saliva samples every 15 minutes for the next hour.

Male Sweat Compound

When the women smelled AND, their mood, sexual arousal, and cortisol levels were higher than when they smelled the baker's yeast.

The women rated the smell of AND and baker's yeast comparably. On a scale of 1 to 9, they rated both scents' pleasantness as 2 and intensity as 3.
This is the first study to show women's hormonal response to AND's mere smell, the researchers note.

The results do not mean AND is the only compound in male sweat that affects women.

"Sweat is a complex mixture," Wyart's team writes. "It is possible that many more of the hundreds of molecules in sweat can induce a variety of endocrine [hormone] changes."

Sharing Your Sex Fantasies With your Partner: Sizzler or Fizzler?

2008-01-11T23:38:00.000-08:00

Sharing Your Sex Fantasies With your Partner: Sizzler or Fizzler?
By Michelle Ryan | Published 12/13/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

You’ve been sharing a bed with the same partner for years. By now you know each other’s sleeping habits inside and out, right down to the exact room temperature and sleeping position preferred. But how well do you know what it takes to turn on your partner? There’s one way to find out -- by sharing your most intimate sex fantasies. An open exchange of erotic fantasies can help rekindle the flames -- or can they? Here’s what sex experts say on the subject.

Risky business

Many sex experts advise couples to use caution when revealing private sex fantasies. “It often backfires,” says Wendy Maltz, MSW, sex therapist and co-author of the book Private Thoughts: The Power of Women’s Fantasies. That’s because too often, says Maltz, there’s a lack of understanding about what it means to share them.

To minimize misunderstandings, Maltz suggests setting some guidelines before agreeing to reveal erotic fantasies. “Make sure you have a mutual understanding of each other’s objectives. Are you doing it simply to learn about what each other’s private sexual thoughts are, or are you creating a menu of the type of sexual activities you want to try?” she says.

Other experts agree that it’s best not to plunge head-first into a completely candid revelation of your deepest erotic fantasies. “First, test the waters. Float the idea in a general way,” suggests Barbara Bartlik, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Weill Medical College of Cornell University. “You could say, ‘What did you think about that scene in the movie?’”

Even when both partners willingly reveal their sex fantasies to one another, says Maltz, there’s no guarantee that the outcome will be a positive meeting of the minds, or bodies. “It’s shaky ground for a relationship. It can really enhance the sexual experience, or destroy it. It can make people very uptight and anxious,” Maltz says.

That’s particularly true if either you or your partner finds the content of a particular fantasy off-putting. “What about the person who likes to be sexually sadistic? The other person may take great offense to that,” Bartlik says.

Oftentimes, explains Bartlik, it takes a lot of courage to reveal a less conventional fantasy such as one that includes sadomasochism. Further, it takes a very loving and loyal partner to listen and accept fantasies that may be outside the mainstream of sexual experience. The inability to accept an edgy fantasy may cause a rift in the relationship. But even if you find your partner’s sex fantasies a bit unnerving, there’s hope for moving forward.

Maltz offers some advice to prevent emotionally jarring fallout from the revelation of sex fantasies. The first thing is not to assume that your partner wants to actually do everything he or she fantasizes about. “It’s important not to take these desires literally, unless they’re intended that way,” she says.

Not everyone truly desires to act on their sexual fantasies, Maltz explains. “They’re more likely to be symbolic,” she says. But that doesn’t mean they should be dismissed. Instead, take your cue from the mood or feeling the fantasy suggests. “Erotic fantasiescan help you learn about your partner’s sensuality,” Maltz says. For instance, a woman may fantasize that her lover, atop a galloping horse, sweeps her off her feet and onto the horse, then the two of them ride off into the sunset together. She may not really want or expect this to happen, but the takeaway message is significant. “She’s thinking, ‘I want my husband to romanticize me more,’” Maltz says.

The bottom line in sharing sex fantasies is this: “How the information in the fantasy is shared is critical to whether or not it ends up being productive for the couple,” says Maltz.

Getting in Touch With Your Sex Fantasies

In spite of recent research that tells us it’s perfectly normal, healthy even, to engage in sexual fantasies, many people bury or ignore what makes them feel good. The result, they say, can be an unfulfilling sex life.

“Your partner loves to see you turned on, and fantasies are what take you there,” says Cheryl McClary, PhD, JD, professor of women’s health at the University of North Carolina-Asheville. What’s more, she says, “If you’re not turned on, your partner is going to know it.”

She suggests ways to bring yourself to a heightened sense of arousal, before sharing that experience with your partner. “Seduce yourself first. Go where your fantasies are. Buy erotic undergarments. Rent movies with sex scenes that turn you on,” McClary says.

But by all means, she says, don’t keep your erotic fantasies to yourself. “Call your partner at work and share your fantasies. You’ll be doing yourself and your partner a disservice if you don’t,” McClary says.

Even sex experts who believe that revealing erotic fantasies to your partner can strengthen the relationship acknowledge that this tell-all scenario isn’t for everyone. “A lot of happily married people with good sex lives never share their fantasies. They keep them private,” Bartlik says.

One good reason to remain mum, says Bartlik, is that the majority of people in long-term, fulfilling sexual relationships do not necessarily think about their partner when they’re at the height of sexual passion. But even though both partners might routinely think of something other than each other, revealing this may result in hurt feelings.

Sometimes, the best solution may be to edit your revelation so it’s more reassuring to your partner. Fantasies about other people, for example, might be best kept to ourselves. “Common sense tells us what we don’t need to reveal,” says McClary.

Bringing Your Partner Into the Loop With Sexual Fantasies

But when it’s only inhibition, not guilt, that’s keeping you from sharing your fantasies from your partner, it might be mutually beneficial to let those feelings surface, say experts.

“Don’t expect your partner to figure out what turns you on. Tell your partner. That’s all part of the fantasy,” McClary says. “Life’s too short to wait for your partner to figure it out.”

For many couples, sharing erotic fantasies may be a matter of remembering how things used to be when your relationship was new. “Ask yourself, ‘What’s going to make us start giggling again? What used to be sexy and fun?’” McClary says.

What Men Really Want But Won't Tell You

2008-01-11T07:42:00.000-08:00

What Men Really Want But Won't Tell You
By Rogger Miller | Published 12/13/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

"A full shelf just for us in the medicine cabinet."

Not a two-inch-wide slot -- a whole, wall-to-wall shelf. Rescuing our razor from an avalanche of lipstick, Secret sticks, and those triangle sponge thingies is not the most fun way to start the morning. And by the way, what the hell are those triangle things for? Are you playing blocks in there?

"You waking us up in the middle of the night...completely naked."
There are two things every dude in a long-term relationship desires: excitement and nudity. And with this little move, you're killing two naughty birds with one sexy stone. Wake us up at 3 a.m. and tell us that you just had the hottest dream and can't fall back to sleep. Then watch the fog of sleep -- along with other things -- suddenly lift. "Naked is the best thing ever in bed, along with maybe pizza," says Bob Rybarczyk, 37, who lives in St. Louis. "The spontaneity of being woken up like that is what makes it exciting, assuming I could actually be coherent in the middle of the night." And who knows, your adventurousness might just inspire us to new heights of under-the-covers creativity in return.

"A free pass to skip some boring get-together."

We think your family is great. Really. How could we have anything less than affection for your brothers, sisters, and, of course, your parents, the people who raised the woman we love and adore? But here's the thing: We also love and adore lying on the couch, when the only sounds in the house are a televised baseball game and our snores. It's nothing personal, but a Saturday afternoon of pure vegetation, as opposed to making small talk at your niece's birthday party, would be the greatest gift ever. "My wife once told my in-laws that I had a stomach flu the day of a big family barbecue," says my brother, Rich, 36, from Miller Place, NY. "I felt like I was playing hooky -- it was the best! As a thank you, I didn't complain about being dragged along on her epic mall shopping trips for months after that."

"More girls' nights out."

Yep, you heard us right -- because when you go out with your best buddies, you recharge your batteries, blow off some steam, and come home a happy camper. And when you're happy, we're happy. (Plus, we all know what a few cosmos do to you when the lights click off. Growl!) And, okay, on a much less charitable note, it gives us much-needed ammunition for that "Can I spend the weekend with my buddies in Vegas?" request we'll be making in a few months.

"A chance to handle the kids solo."

We swear we won't break them. Sure, we might let them go a few feet higher on the swings than you would, but getting into a little mischief with the kiddies is one of the inalienable rights of fatherhood. Running around like maniacs, eating ice cream before lunch -- these are the kinds of bonding sessions we dream about while stuck in our dreary offices. So take the afternoon off and let us go nuts with the kids.

"To be told how manly we are when we fix something."

Even if we're only changing a lightbulb, fawn over us as if we were a greased-up Ty Pennington who just added a 4,000-square-foot walk-in closet to your bedroom. "Nothing makes a guy feel like more of a man than when his woman hands him a cold beer after he's been working hard," says Nick Stevens, 32, of Boston. "Yes, that is very 1950s, but it's the truth."

"Oral sex."
Duh.

"Acceptance of our inner dork."

"I secretly crave a woman who will dust -- without complaint or editorial comment -- my extensive collection of action figures," says painter Dave Dorman, 48, who was voted the number one Star Wars artist of all time by Star Wars Galaxy magazine. (Sorry, ladies, he's taken.) Look, we know we should have outgrown comic books and sci-fi flicks at least 15 years ago, but the fact is, we haven't. So you can make fun of us for our nerdy cravings, or you can tag along with us to the latest superhero movie and watch Hugh Jackman or Christian Bale run around in a tank top. Is that really such a chore?

"You paying the neighborhood kid to shovel the driveway before we get our fat asses out of bed."

Or, failing that, hooking us up with a cup of hot cocoa when we come back inside grumbling about moving the family to Florida. Think of it this way: Besides making our morning, that $20 you spent just bought you hours and hours of not having to hear us complain about how much our back hurts from shoveling.

"A spa treatment for you."

This might sound selfless and giving, but we have an ulterior motive. When you have silky, smooth skin, you can't wait for us to get our hands on you. And neither can we.

"You not saying how fat you think you are when you get dressed in the morning."

Who cares if you can't fit into a dress that you used to wear 15 years ago? We think you're still totally hot. "Confidence is sexy," explains Bob. Complaining that you feel fat and gross isn't. After all, we men don't all have the six-pack we want, but that doesn't stop us from acting like we're superstuds. Bottom line: Whether or not you've shed that stubborn 10 pounds you've been dying to ditch, we want you to jump our bones. And if you do, that smile you leave on our faces will give you 10 times more confidence than any infomercial diet plan ever could.

"A little dirty talk."

Doesn't matter when, doesn't matter what. Even if it doesn't make sense, a whispered sentence that includes the words "throbbing," panties," and "broom closet" will make our week.

"Someone else taking out the garbage."

Dragging that stinking Hefty bag out to the curb before the health department declares your kitchen a biohazard might seem like a small thing, but in case you haven't realized, guys are lazy bastards. Discovering that a dreaded chore has already been done is like finding a brand-new bike under the Christmas tree. We might not notice that you cut four inches off your hair and dyed it blonde, but we will notice this. And we will reciprocate. Expect us to bring you a glass of water in bed before you ask. Expect us to pick those socks up off the floor. Because if The Sopranos has taught us anything, it's that when someone does you a favor, you return it.

"You leaving the armoire doors open so we don't have to walk across the room and open them when we want to watch the TV in bed."

(See above, re: Guys are lazy bastards.)

"More nagging."

That may sound like a pile of what your neighbor's poodle left on your lawn, but honestly, there is such a thing as good nagging. If it weren't for you staying on top of how we eat, drink, and dress, most dudes would subsist on pizza and beer and live in sweatpants. We may bitch and moan about your pestering, but at the end of the day, we know that you're just looking out for us, and though we'll never admit it, that makes us feel pretty great.

"A movie theater make-out session."

"Boredom is the greatest malady affecting marriages today," says Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, host of TLC's Shalom in the Home and father of eight -- count 'em, eight -- kids. "I am a strong believer that husbands and wives have to do things that are inappropriate to break routine. Just make sure you hide from the usher." Not only will you make us feel like we're 14 again (minus the cracking voice and socially crippling acne), you'll show us that even though Brad Pitt is shirtless on the big screen, we own the only pair of lips in the world that you want to be locked with. (And if you're secretly picturing the shirtless Mr. Pitt while we're playing tonsil hockey, no harm done.)

"Fast food for dinner every once and a while."

You know how much it sucks to diet and exercise, so when we're on some kind of fitness program, throw us a bone -- preferably one covered in fried chicken -- and help us cheat occasionally. See, if we buy a 12-piece bucket ourselves, then we're weak-willed blubberbutts. But if we eat something our wives picked up as a treat, we're being gracious, appreciative husbands. You went to the trouble to pull up to a drive-through, so it'd just be hurtful not to accept your thoughtful gesture, right?

Secrets To A Better Love Life

2008-01-11T07:17:00.000-08:00

10 Secrets to a Better Love Life
By Rogger Miller | Published 12/13/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Valentine's Day isn't just about chocolates, cards, and roses anymore. Nope, it's become a season of sexual self-improvement, too. Fueled by an annual rash of early February news stories, magazine pieces, talk show segments, and Internet articles about improving our love lives, many of us set out to do just that in time for Feb. 14.

But alas, these attempts at achieving a better love life may only last as long as the New Year's resolutions you abandoned the month before. A few weeks later, the sexy nightie languishes hidden in the sock drawer, the massage oil gathers dust next to the athlete's foot powder in the medicine cabinet, and you and your partner have returned to what feels like a humdrum sexual life.

So what is the secret to a better love life that lasts? We asked for some suggestions from two experts on sexuality -- Michael Castleman, author of Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex, and Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, a board certified sex therapist and resident expert for WebMD's "Sex Matters®" message boards.

Make Dates

Castleman and Weston are in firm agreement that couples that have been together for a while need to plan time for sex.

"Make a date for sex," says Castleman, a health journalist who previously answered questions about sexuality submitted to the Playboy advisor. "Don't let it be an afterthought," he tells WebMD. "Do whatever you like to do beforehand, go to a movie or dinner, take a walk, have a glass of wine by candlelight, whatever the couple likes to do as a couple. But set aside that time."

But, you might cry, isn't scheduling unromantic? Isn't sex supposed to be spontaneous? Rare is the lover with a daily planner fetish, after all.

But Castleman has a blunt response. "Grow up," he says. "What's the problem with making a date for sex? People make plans for other things they enjoy, like ski trips or dinners out."

Weston agrees. "I think most people, especially couples with kids, have to plan ahead because they already have so much jammed into their schedules," she says. "Sure there are times when things spontaneously fall together, but those are happy accidents."

One good suggestion for a better love life is to take regular nights away from home.

"For couples that have been together for a while, sex can become routine," says Castleman. "You're worn out by the end of the day, after the job, the laundry, the kids' soccer games, and the errands.

"And instead of champagne and oysters on the half shell with a sweeping view of Lake Tahoe as your reward, you've got your same old crummy house and peanut butter and jelly and that's about it," he says. It's not exactly conducive to an exciting sex life.

It can be hard to give into the moment when you're having sex in your all-too-familiar bedroom. Your mind wanders. Did I remember to set the alarm clock? How much will it cost to repair that water damage on the ceiling?

"Lovemaking is, fundamentally, a present moment experience," says Castleman. "The best sex comes when you're not thinking about the past or the future, but only the present. And that can be hard in a room where you've always got grandma's picture smiling down on you."

Castleman recommends getting away to a place that is stripped of these reminders of everyday life. It doesn't have to be a fabulous spot by the ocean, or at least it not every time. A non-descript place off the Interstate might be just fine.

Redecorate the Bedroom

Of course, having a sex life that's wholly dependent on trysts at hotels and overnight babysitters may be a problem if you're not fabulously wealthy, childless, and unemployed. So in addition to some trips away, make some changes at home.

"The bedroom does build up a lot of mundane associations," says Weston. "But if you can do anything to transform your bedroom into something new and different, that can make a big difference."

And a better love life doesn't require installing a revolving bed or ceiling mirrors. "You don't need to do something that will freak out the kids or the housekeeper," says Weston.

Lighting some candles is an obvious suggestion. But maybe getting a nicer set of sheets and a new bedspread will make a difference. Also, removing some of the junk -- the kids' toys, the piles of laundry -- that tends to accumulate in a bedroom out can have an effect. Think about ditching the bedroom TV, too, or at least trying life without it for a while.

Everyone's got sexual fantasies of one sort or another. But for some people, those fantasies can be buried pretty deep. If your partner were to turn to you tonight and say, "What's your ultimate sexual fantasy?" or "What do you want to change about how we have sex?" do you know what you'd say?

If you're not sure, you're not alone. "Some people have to do a little work at figuring out what really arouses them," says Weston. But figuring out what you want is key to having a better love life.

So give it a little effort. Weston observes that there are plenty of tools out there to help: books, magazines, videos, and so on. Once you've come up with some ideas, telling your partner about them could be fun for both of you.

Find Out What Your Partner Wants

And then there's the flip side: You need to ask your partner the same questions that you've asked yourself. What does your partner want from your love life?

According to Weston and Castleman, one of the most common complaints they hear is that one partner wants to have sex more than the other.

Some people may huffily assume that they just have higher sex drives than their partners do. But maybe your partner is looking for something different out of your love life but hasn't felt able to ask. So bring up the subject. Talking openly might bring you closer to one another, and that's likely to make sex more interesting for both of you.

Trying something new in the bedroom is a pretty obvious suggestion for attaining a better love life, but it's one that many people have trouble following.

"For a lot of couples, the longer they're together, the more they play it safe sexually," says Weston. "You think it would go the other way, that as people get more comfortable in a relationship they feel more secure to try new things. But that's not the case."

Castleman agrees. "People resist change, especially intimate change," he says. "If you're in an established relationship, you may feel like you have more to lose. You don't want to rock the boat."

But both Castleman and Weston recommend resisting the impulse to play it safe. This can mean all sorts of things -- maybe lingerie, massage, sex toys and so on -- and trying something new doesn't have to be outrageous.

"People have a lot of crazy notions about what a sexual fantasy should be," says Castleman. "They think it must mean S&M or sex on a Ferris wheel. But there are a lot less wild ways of experimenting with something new."

Weston agrees. "One small change that can have a big effect is to interrupt the pattern to how you usually have sex," says Weston. "If you're usually the shy one who waits for the other person to begin things, try starting it yourself. Just take a risk, even if it's a little one."

Sexual problems are a much more open secret now than they once were. For instance, thanks to the efforts of pharmaceutical companies and late night comics, there aren't many people left in the country who aren't aware of medications for erectile dysfunction.

Of course, that doesn't mean that everyone who needs help is getting it.
"People who have sexual problems do often shy away from sexuality because they don't want to face failure," says Weston. "But these problems need to be addressed head on."

Erectile dysfunction has received the most attention, but there are plenty of other issues too, such as premature ejaculation, a loss of libido, or difficulty reaching orgasm caused by medications or medical conditions.

Weston reports that women are coming forward in larger numbers and reporting sexual problems too, such as pain during intercourse or an inability to orgasm. According to Castleman, many women complain about vaginal dryness during sex, which can be painful.

"Lubrication is important," says Weston. "Because in terms of how aroused a person is, lubrication for a woman is the equivalent of an erection for a man."

Some sexual problems may need medical attention, while others can be solved by trying different sexual techniques or buying a $5 bottle of lubricant. But the important thing is not to muddle through with problems that are making your sex life worse. Don't settle for a mediocre sex life.

And finally, Weston is quick to point out that no matter what you've heard, drugs for erectile dysfunction do nothing to increase a person's sex drive.

Go Slowly

Some couples find that, the longer they're together, the briefer and more businesslike their sexual encounters can become.

Castleman likens it to navigating a new neighborhood. When you move to a new place, you're always trying out different routes to get to the supermarket or the hardware store. But after time, you decide on the fastest route and only take that one. No more meandering. The same thing happens to couples as they become more familiar with each other sexually.

But the fastest, most efficient route is definitely not what you want in the bedroom. Focusing on the destination -- and only the obvious parts of the anatomy -- is the worst thing you can do, he says.

"The best sex emerges from whole body sensuality -- leisurely, playful, creative," says Castleman. "It has no real direction, a little of this, a little of that."

Castleman argues that men especially have a tendency to go too fast, something that's encouraged by the down-and-dirty efficiency of sex in pornography. But Castleman says that many men find that their sexual problems -- such as premature ejaculation -- subside when they learn to take their time.

"Leisurely love-making benefits everyone," says Castleman. "Women get more turned on and enjoy sex more, while men have fewer sexual problems and feel more confident about themselves in bed. Everybody wins."

Don't Worry About What Everyone Else Is Doing

According to Weston and Castleman, one of the most common questions they get is, "How much should we be doing it?" The question implies that the answer is obvious: more than I am now.

Feeling like you "should" be having a better love life is probably universal. It explains the vast number of titles about sex in the self-help section of the bookstore, and the constancy of articles about sex advertised on magazine covers at the checkout counter (or why so many people click on articles with titles like, say, "10 Secrets to a Better Love Life.")

Castleman observes that the culture we live in -- and especially its films, whether Hollywood romances or pornography -- encourages us to think that we're not living up.

So how often "should" you have sex? "There's no answer to that," says Weston. "Stop trying to decide how much sex you should have and decide how much you want."

Keep Trying

Having a better sex life will take some work. It's like this: for many people, life is an unremitting guerilla war with those extra 10 pounds that ambush you when you're not paying attention. In the same way, people can fall into a sexual rut, a "blah" love life, unless they're making an effort to keep things exciting.

You should expect that some attempts will fall flat. A stab at a sexual role-play may be rendered ridiculous by an ill-timed call and rambling answering machine message from your mother-in-law. Or maybe the aromatic candles make you sneeze violently. Trying something new is always putting you at risk of failure.

But the important thing is to keep trying anyway. Don't let self-consciousness make you play it safe. You should never accept a just average love life.

So there they are: the 10 secrets to a better love life. But, you may exclaim, I think I've heard some of these before. It's a fair point. For instance, upon reading that communication is important for a healthy love life, there is no person in America who will smack her forehead and say, "Golly, and all this time I thought not communicating was the right idea!"

Admittedly, these suggestions are not secrets. Or at least they aren't secrets like the purpose of Stonehenge or the fate of Amelia Earhart. We've read the magazines, and watched the daytime talk shows. Many of us know what we're supposed to do to have a better love life.

But if we already know this stuff, why do we keep buying the magazines and watching the TV shows that tell us what we already know? Ultimately, our good intentions fail and we lapse back into lazy habits. We let the other stuff in life take over.

So the most important suggestion for a better love life is probably the last one: Just keep trying. Making a consistent effort is the key.

"If someone says that they don't have time or energy for a good sex life, then they can't expect to have a good sex life," says Castleman. "It's that simple."

Prescription For Sexual Frustration

2008-01-11T06:16:00.000-08:00

Prescriptions for Sexual Frustration
By Peter Hill | Published 07/14/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Forget the penis for a moment, and the vagina and clitoris, too. Even when the genitals are working the way they're supposed to, with or without medical help, sexual satisfaction can still be difficult to achieve.

Sexual dysfunction often takes center stage when we talk about sexual problems, but it isn't the only cause of sexual frustration. Sometimes nothing in the medicine cabinet can help couples sort out their sexual differences.

Ask several different people what makes for good sex, and you're likely to get as many different answers. To one, it may be a specific sex act or situation, while another may answer, "with my true love," and yet another may never have given the question much thought.

"Sexuality is so self-defined," says sex educator Violet Blue, who lectures at San Francisco State University and the University of California at Berkeley, and whose many books include The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio and Sweet Life: Erotic Fantasies for Couples.

"Each person's sexuality is as individual to them as a fingerprint," she tells WebMD.

You're always eager to get it on, and time between sexual encounters seems like an endless stretch of desert between one oasis and the next. Or maybe you think you're having plenty of sex, and you can't fathom why your partner broods over not having enough.

"It's normal to have one partner want sex more than the other," Patricia Love, a marriage and family therapist and author of Hot Monogamy, tells WebMD. "I think this is the most common frustration that men and women have."

And it isn't only an issue between men and women. "These kinds of things show up in same-sex relationships just as much," says sex therapist Louanne Cole Weston, PhD. We usually assume men have bigger sexual appetites than women, a stereotype that holds true in many cases, but by no means all.

Weston says a considerable number of women want sex more often than their male partners do. "It's more of a closeted problem," she tells WebMD, because of embarrassment on both sides. Not only do these women get frustrated because they're not getting what they want, "they take it as a negative comment on their own attractiveness," she says.

"There's a fair amount of negative speculation" regarding men with lower sex drives, too. If he lacks interest, she may wonder if he's secretly gay or has another lover on the side.

New thinking about the female libido may explain why women seem to want sex less frequently than men do. In a 2001 article in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, researcher Rosemary Basson, MD, of the University of British Columbia, proposed that many women need to become physically aroused before their desire for sex kicks in.

Couples may run into trouble when women don't understand this about themselves.
"If I'm sitting around waiting to feel like I want to have sex, or to desire to have sex, it ain't gonna happen," Love says. "I have to make a conscious decision to become aroused, to do whatever it is that arouses me.

"All you need is the desire to desire to be a great sex partner. But we're not used to being intentional about it."

So how often does the average couple have sex? What is normal?

"I will never answer the question," Lou Paget, a sex educator whose books include The Great Lover Playbook and Hot Mamas, tells WebMD. "And you know why I don't? Because I know someone's going to get beaten up with that number."

As frustrating as it is to not have sex as often as you'd like, what's worse is not being able to do what you like. Maybe you have a fantasy your partner isn't willing to help you fulfill, or a certain sex act is off limits.

It could be something relatively tame, like having sex with the lights on instead of in the dark, or something as crazy as ... you name it.

Violet Blue says she routinely hears about three things that would really make someone's day, but their partner says, "no way": anal sex, swallowing after fellatio, and arranging a threesome.

Typically she hears this from men, but that doesn't mean women are all shrinking violets. "Men tend to be more vocal about wanting to try a particular sex act or a particular fantasy," she says, but "women are always proving me wrong. They always blow my mind with how shocking they are about sex."

For those in long-term relationships, it's frustrating when something that was a favorite dish when the romance was new is suddenly taken off the menu. But it's not uncommon for people to extend themselves beyond what they would normally do when they're infatuated and eager to please. When they're not in such an accommodating mood anymore, they retract. That's understandable, but it can seem like false advertising.

"The reason the person signed up was because you were behaving like that," Paget says. Of course, you're not obliged to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but understand if your partner is peeved.

Work towards a compromise if you can. "You can move in graduated steps," Love says. Start with something that's close to what he or she wants to do, get comfortable with that, and then try something closer still. If you're on the receiving end of the favor, don't insist on having everything exactly your way. Perhaps you want oral sex, for example, but your partner will only do it when you're fresh out of the shower.
That is what Weston calls "the price of admission." Sometimes you have to accept it.

Singles are not exempt from frustration and anxiety about their quirks and kinks. You may not be locked into sexual negotiation with one partner, forever, but then again, new partners don't know what you want, and you may have some explaining to do.

"You have to learn to be creative with your sexual communication," Violet Blue says. All too often, when people get together, they share everything about themselves -- their tastes, pet peeves, histories, and habits -- except for what pertains to sex.
"They think they know what the other person is thinking and wants to do," Paget says. "Invariably they're not accurate."

You catch her eye. She comes to you, and you tumble into a passionate embrace. Sultry notes from a tenor saxophone rise in the background. You tear at each other's clothes. The air quivers with the heat of your lovemaking. That may be the scene, but we often forget how it was set.

"All the things that people use as an example of spontaneous sex," Paget says, "those things were all planned."

Phone calls were made, dates and times agreed upon, email checked, work wrapped up, teeth brushed, privacy secured. Most people rarely find themselves swept into a totally unexpected sexual encounter, and they may become frustrated because they don't do enough planning, expecting that kind of spontaneity.

It's a major pitfall for parents. If your sex life has withered since you started a family, the reason may be that you are not fitting sex into your schedule. "Couples who weather the storm of parenting, and make their relationships work, they absolutely make their intimacy and their relationship a priority," Paget says. "They do not assume that their sex life is going to occur spontaneously."

You don't have to go so far as to pencil it into your calendar, but at least make sure your partner knows when you are available.

"The act of having sex begins with someone saying, I want to," Violet Blue says. "You have to say, I want to, and this is what I want to do."

Does Solo Sex Affects Your Spouse?

2008-01-11T06:07:00.000-08:00

Is Solo Sex Hurting Your Relationship?
By Rogger Miller | Published 08/20/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

A woman might feel neglected if her mate spends too much time watching sports on TV. But if his leisure time involves solo sex, such as masturbating, engaging in phone sex, or using the Internet to view explicit sexual images or chat with an anonymous partner, she might go through the roof. And she might post to WebMD's Sex Matters® board, where the overwhelming majority of posts concerned with a mate engaging in solo sex come from women.

Of course it's true that many women as well as men find pleasure in gratifying themselves alone. So is it cheating when the partner is left out? Psychologist Willard F. Harley of White Bear Lake, Minn., says men and women are probably hardwired to react differently. "Most women will say they want their husbands' sexual expression to be exclusively with them -- no masturbation, no pornography, no strip clubs. But men don't care if their wives look at naked men. They think it gives them license to look at naked women."

Whether solo sex is a problem for a relationship is in the eye of the beholder, says David Schnarch, PhD, director of The Marriage and Family Health Center in Evergreen, Colo. "For some couples, it's a breach. For others, it's not."

When the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre in Santa Clara, Calif., observed an increasing number of people in therapy dealing with online sexual behavior, its researchers surveyed visitors -- 86% male and 14% female -- to the MSNBC web site. The often-quoted survey showed that 64% of the 9,177 respondents were married or in a committed relationship, and 92% did not have problems related to online sexual activities. Perhaps surprisingly, most respondents said they got excited but not aroused by viewing and chatting.

Who's in Charge of Sexual Fantasies?

Solo sex can involve human interaction, as with phone sex or Internet chatting, or it can be totally private, as with masturbation. "The common traits are that the partner isn't involved and nobody is touching anybody else," says Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, a licensed marriage and family counselor/sex therapist in Fair Oaks, Calif. "Sometimes people think when they marry that they've just gotten a license to run the life of the other person, including their sexual thoughts and feelings. That's where everybody gets up in arms about solo sex."

She says individuals are entitled to their own thoughts, even that society might deem repugnant. And to police a mate's sexual thoughts and feelings is downright unrealistic. "They're in for a shock," says Weston, who also answers questions on WebMD's Sex Matters® message board.

Harley disagrees. "My basic rule for marriages is that all your sex, including fantasies, should be with each other. First, your wife will want it that way. Second, if your wife is your exclusive sexual outlet, you'll have a much better romantic relationship."

Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs, says psychologically there's a contrast effect involved in looking at other women and fantasizing about them. "Your wife can't measure up. Sex with her will be boring. But if you can avoid the temptation, every time you make love with her will be wonderful."

Limiting sex to one's partner may be contrary to human drives, he says, but as a sophisticated culture, we've agreed it's good for society to rein in certain drives. "We live in a monogamous society I'm not exactly sure we're wired for, but we've decided monogamy is a good idea," he says. "Pornography is really difficult to resist. It shows up in email every day. Erase it or get filters."

Join the Fun

Noting there are now lines of erotic videos and web sites designed for women, Weston says more and more women are enjoying explicit images. "Some women think that any porn, which I call 'explicit images,' degrades the people who made them and that the actors did it under coercion," Weston says. "That's not true. Granted there are porn mills where people are taken advantage of, but plenty of people are doing it as a legitimate business."

Instead of trying to restrict a mate's online or phone sex, she suggests joining in. "A lot of couples are going online together." One couple she counseled involved a woman who was upset because her partner didn't want sex as often as he once did. In therapy, he disclosed that he was masturbating to images online, specifically to erotic images of women having their hair cut. "The woman said, 'Let's look at it together.' Once they got it out in the open and shared it, things were fine." Weston adds, "Sex is adult play. Go play."

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Behavior

The San Jose Centre researchers described the 8% minority for whom online sex was problematical as "compulsive" and those among them who averaged 38 hours in online sexual activities as "sex addicts." Furthermore, problems correlated positively with the amount of time spent in online sexual activities.

Not all sex therapists agree with the addiction model. "I'm not a fan of the idea that people can be addicted to sex in the same way someone can be addicted to drugs," says Weston. She does feel that solo sex can become obsessive, a line that's crossed in a relationship when explicit and tacit agreements are subordinated to the obsession.

"We don't approach solo sex as either a healthy and unhealthy form of behavior," says Schnarch, author of Passionate Marriage and Resurrecting Sex. "It's a couples issue, not a medical issue. Anybody is free to decide (and usually does) what is healthy and what isn't, and usually couples are clear about it. It's relational politics: 'if I like it and it doesn't make me nervous, it's OK," or "if what you're doing makes me nervous, it's not.'"

Resolving Solo Sex Issues

Sometimes partners are so polarized on the issue of solo sex that counseling is needed. Resolving a couple's issues around solo sex is a process of helping them figure out what's going on in the relationship and what it means to them, says Schnarch. "Some therapists will take the attitude that erotica is wrong and will get involved in adjudicating proper sexual behavior in relationships. We don't. For some couples, the issue is growing up and realizing that when your partner masturbates the fantasies aren't about you. For other couples it's recognizing there's a war going on over sex in the relationship, and one person's use of erotica is either an attack or a way of balancing out having sex withheld. There are many reasons people look at erotica."

Macho Attitude May Not Worsen Men's Health

2008-01-11T06:02:00.000-08:00

Macho Attitude May Not Worsen Men's Health
By Linda Lewis | Published 08/20/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

The strong-but-silent type can breathe a loud sigh of relief. New research suggests that "manly" men who withhold their feelings and emotions but not their tough, competitive nature may not be as vulnerable to physical and psychological problems as previously believed.

For long, these macho men were considered to be at higher risk for depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and heart problems than guys who are more open with their emotions. But in a new study, researchers find virtually no connection between psychological distress and traditional stoic, win-at-all costs male behaviors.

"Our results differ not only from popular opinion, but from a number of other research studies - including some that I've done," says study researcher Glenn Good, PhD, a University of Missouri psychologist who has long studied male behavior.

"The general consensus has long been, the more macho you are, the more likely you are to experience psychological distress and other health problems," he tells WebMD. "The going theory is that healthy people experience a wide range of emotions. But when 'manly' men learn to restrict their expression of emotions, or are overly competitive, it produces stress."

Virtually No Connection Found

In his study, which will be published next month in the journal Psychology of Men and Masculinity, Good and colleagues gave five different assessment tests to 260 male undergraduate college students. The tests gauged their opinions about the masculine role, their competitiveness, problem-solving methods and skills, openness in discussing problems and sharing feelings, and other issues. Their likelihood of having a psychological disorder was also assessed.

When the math was completed, Good's team noted that less than 1% of the students' psychological distress could be attributed to behaviors of what he calls the "traditional" masculine role.

"It certainly doesn't coincide with previous research, so it's hard to know what it means," says Good. "It could mean that there is no one right way to be a man. Or it could be the Homer Simpson phenomenon, in which Homer says he's not too worried about his emotions or behavior. But that's not to say that Marge is happy about it."

In previous studies, alpha males have led the pack in certain health problems. The association of a hostile, overly aggressive Type A personality to heart disease is well-documented, and macho men have often been seen as the poster boys for alcohol, tobacco, and drug abuse. "And in other studies, if you put these more traditional guys in experiments to perform a task that a woman does better, their blood pressure shot up because they were so competitive," says Good. "It really angered them that they would lose to a woman."

Anger and Sex

That may be because traditional males hate to lose anything -- especially control, says another researcher who has studied what angers men and women. And her findings, published last year in the same journal as Good's work, may help explain the long history between men's anger-internalizing behavior and health problems.

"When we interviewed men about what makes them angry, the absolute biggie was control," says psychologist Sandra Thomas, PhD, RN, of the University of Tennessee in Knoxville.

"They need to be in control of their emotions and in control of what's happening around them. And when they're not, they feel very guilty about it. You wouldn't believe the stories we heard about men getting angry because they couldn't fix their computers or cars," she tells WebMD. "By comparison, women's anger stories were almost exclusively about problems they had in their most intimate relationships, the people they love. Men almost never told stories about people they love."

Stress Affects Men's Health More

2008-01-11T05:54:00.000-08:00

Stress Affects Men's Health More
By Peter Hill | Published 09/14/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

When it comes to handling life's blows, women may be stronger and better equipped to handle stress than men. New research suggests that stressful events have a bigger impact on men's health than women's.

The study found men who suffered a stressful life event were more likely than women to miss work due to illness in the following months. The researchers say the findings add to a growing body of research that shows stress can have a big impact on later health problems.

Researchers followed nearly 3,000 full-time, healthy municipal employees in Finland and asked them whether or not they had experienced one of the following major life events in the preceding 12 months:

• Death or serious illness of a family member.
• Being a victim of physical, sexual or psychological violence.
• Severe interpersonal conflict, such as divorce.
• Severe financial difficulties caused by job loss or other causes.

They also asked them questions about their mental health and health behaviors, then tracked the number of sick days the workers took in the year that followed to gauge changes in health.

For men, all of the stressful events except interpersonal conflict were significantly associated with an increase in sick days.

Interpersonal problems, financial difficulties, and violence among men were linked to psychological problems, such as anxiety, mental distress, and lack of coherence. Finanacial diificulties and violence were also associated with heightened use of cigarettes and alcohol, which was thought to lead to sick days.

For women, none of these events increased the likelihood of a sick leave. But all events caused increased psychological problems for women. Interpersonal conflicts and financial difficulties also were associated with alcohol abuse among women.

Researcher Mika Kivimaki, PhD, of the department of psychology at the University of Helsinki in Finland, and colleagues say men who reported a stressful event tended to have smaller support networks than women, which might provide a partial explanation for their higher vulnerability.

Men's Sexual Health Needs Often Ignored

2008-01-11T05:39:00.000-08:00

Men's Sexual Health Needs Often Ignored
By Peter Hill | Published 10/2/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

We can't agree on what men's sexual health is. We can't agree who's responsible for it. But just hoping it will happen isn't working, a new report concludes.

The study, "In Their Own Right: Addressing the Sexual and Reproductive Health Needs of American Men," is the work of the nonprofit Allan Guttmacher Institute. One of the report's authors is David Landry, senior research associate at the institute.

"One of the critical factors is that there is no place for men to go for sexual and reproductive health care," Landry tells WebMD. "Men need to be aware, their partners should be aware, that women don't have to assume responsibility alone."

The problem isn't exactly hidden. In fact, it's often front-page news:

• Record rates of sexually transmitted diseases and HIV
• More teen pregnancies and births in the U.S. than anywhere else in the developed world
• Fathers failing to fulfill their responsibilities as parents
• Continued high divorce rates

What would men's reproductive healthcare look like? Sarah S. Brown, director of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, says the report paints a vivid picture.
"It looks like good education in schools; it means reimbursement for counseling and care for men as well as for women; it means training for physicians in men's and women's sexual health issues," Brown tells WebMD.

Providing more reproductive health services to men shouldn't mean cuts in services to women, Landry is quick to point out.

"Clearly women do need special clinical and diagnostic services," he says. "But the principle types of services we are talking about for men are awareness raising and counseling. These are services which tend to be the least expensive to provide. By providing for men we are also doing something good for women."

One focus of the report is on men in their teens and early 20s. Some findings:

• One in four teens are sexually experienced by age 15. Nine out of 10 men have had sex by their 20th birthday.

• Poor and minority youths begin sexual activity at a younger age than more affluent or white teens.

• More often than not, a man will use a condom during his first sexual experience. Later, condom use declines.

• Only 7% of births involve teenage men.

• Each year, 13% of all abortions involve teenage men. More than half of teenage pregnancies involving teenage men result in a birth.

• Men in their 20s are involved in half of all U.S. births -- and half of all U.S. abortions.

• Eight out of 10 children fathered by men in their early 20s are born out of wedlock.

The report also considers the needs of older men:

• Half of all men father a child by the age of 30.

• Eight of 10 men in their 40s are married or living with a woman.
• By age 49, the average man has had two children.

• More than one in 10 men in their 30s has a child he does not live with.

• Eight of 10 U.S. adults with AIDS is a man.

• Half of all men who use condoms do so for birth control, not disease prevention.

"The value of this report is that it takes a life span perspective," Brown says. "What I love is that it addresses the whole life span of men."

So what do men need? The report says men have several unmet needs. The first of these is the need for better information. Parents, doctors, teachers, and community leaders must be involved in ensuring access to essential information. This includes education on:
• Basic sexuality and reproductive health

• Genital health

• Healthy relationships. Topics should include when sexual involvement is appropriate; forms of sexual expression; sexual coercion and violence; and the influence of alcohol and drugs on behavior.

• Pregnancy prevention, including abstinence and condom use

• Prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and HIV

• The responsibilities of fatherhood

• How to obtain other services

Men also need to learn specific skills.

These include skills in preventing pregnancy and disease, and fathering skills.
Men often need counseling. This should include:

• Help developing self-esteem and gaining a sense of control over one's life and one's decisions

• Help getting through major life events and decisions

• Mentoring in developing values and motivation

Men need healthcare.

This should include preventive services beginning prior to adolescence and continuing throughout life. Doctors should follow AMA guidelines in obtaining a sexual history and in testing for sexually transmitted diseases.
"What we call for is a communitywide effort," Landry says. "We need to raise awareness to a broader extent."

Menopause Not Just For Women

2008-01-11T05:31:00.000-08:00

Menopause Not Just For Women
By Peter Hill | Published 10/2/2007 | Men Health | Unrated

Have you ever heard, "Don't mind Steven, he's just going through the change of life?" That's right -- "he," not "she." According to some researchers, the idea may not be so far-fetched.

'Male Menopause' Research

The concept of a "male menopause" and the need for hormone replacement therapy as a treatment is still highly controversial, but you wouldn't know that from one doctor's attempt to recruit men for his study. Jerald Bain, MD, set out to find 100 subjects to participate in his study -- 900 volunteered for the chance to get a male hormone pill for what ailed them.

In the end, Bain, who is an endocrinologist at Toronto's Mount Sinai Hospital and the director of the Health Institute for Men at the King's Health Center in Toronto, was only able to use 30 subjects. His data has now been collected and he is analyzing it. He contends that "there is no basis for the assumption that the male hormone, testosterone, is dangerous."

Andrew Dott, MD, and Anthony Karpas, MD, of the Institute of Endocrinology and Reproductive Medicine in Atlanta, contend that about 40% of 40-something men experience these symptoms to some degree:

• lethargy, or fatigue
• depression
• increased irritability
• mood swings
• loss of bone density
• decrease in lean muscle
• increase in fat
• anemia, or low blood levels of iron
• decreased libido
• difficulty in attaining and sustaining erections

They say that these symptoms of "male menopause," also called andropause or viropause, can result from a decreased level of the male hormone testosterone and/or some of these risk factors:

• excessive alcohol consumption
• smoking
• high blood pressure, or hypertension
• prescription drug use
• nonprescription drug use
• poor diet
• lack of exercise
• poor circulation
• psychological problems

Not 'Just Aging' Anymore

According to Bain, until recently, most doctors have considered these symptoms just part of aging and have ignored them. But now, he says, "we're beginning to realize we don't have to accept them all. We can accept the loss of strength, but to have to lie in bed at age 60 because of weakness and fatigue is not something we should accept."
Although men can experience a decline in testosterone levels with increasing age, and despite 150 years of attempts to rejuvenate men with hormone replacements, "male menopause" is still widely ignored. Malcolm Carruthers, a British specialist in men's health with a practice in London, suspects that one reason is historical.

A Questionable Past

The first successful use of hormone replacement was carried out 150 years ago by a German professor named Berthold who transplanted a rooster's testes into another castrated rooster. This procedure prevented the castrated rooster's comb from withering away. That study was followed by numerous other experiments using testicular transplants and extracts.

Testosterone was only isolated and synthesized 60 years ago. However, the oral form can be toxic to the liver and heart, and that, Carruthers says, has "colored the thinking of two generations of physicians."

Another problem associated with the diagnosis of "male menopause" is that only about 13% of men with symptoms have a low total testosterone level. Carruthers and others, however, say doctors need to evaluate the level of free active testosterone, or FAT, rather than total testosterone levels. FAT is obtained by dividing the total plasma testosterone level by that of the sex hormone binding globulin, or SHBG. This turns out to be low in 74% of the men with menopausal symptoms. SHBG increases with age and "zaps" the free testosterone before it can get into the cells to do its job.

Still, Skeptics Abound

Skeptics of andropause still abound. In an article in American Journal of Psychiatry, UCLA psychiatrist H. Sternbach concluded that "testosterone decline/deficiency is not a state strictly analogous to female menopause and may exhibit considerable overlap with primary and other secondary psychiatric disorders."
British urologists N. Burns-Cox and C. Gingell concluded in another medical journal that "the symptoms of the andropause fatigue can readily be explained by stress, and there is no scientifically valid ... study that shows any benefit for testosterone supplements in this uncommon group of patients."

More Research

Carruthers, however, has been following men who have taken testosterone supplements for up to five years, and he has concluded that the supplements cause no negative effects on their hearts, livers, or prostates.

And Dott and Karpas point out that when it comes to diagnosis, doctors should not just evaluate testosterone levels. "Good medical care dictates that a comprehensive medical and psychological assessment along with a thorough laboratory assessment are necessary," they say.

Possibly this debate will be solved once Bain completes his analysis of data comparing men with "menopausal" symptoms on hormone replacement with men receiving placebos. If so, will men rush out to get hormone replacement therapy? Stay tuned!

How To Enlarge Your Penis

2008-01-11T05:22:00.000-08:00

PENIS ENLARGEMENT TECHNIQUES

Power Stretch Technique

The power stretch technique is basically what it sounds like. By stretching the penis regularly, you help to lengthen the suspensory ligament and tissues of the penis which will help to lengthen the penis over time. Dr. Walter Schlesingser M.D. first made a similar technique popular in his book titled “Penicure, the Manhood Miracle”.

Benefits and Results of the Stretching Exercises

Squeezing and pulling your penis on a regular basis can produce incredible size gains, just as exercising muscles will make them larger. These exercises stretch your penis out, while also stretching the erectile tissue. These are the exercises for lengthening your penis in its flaccid and erect state.

By safely exercising the penis so blood fills the spaces and forces them larger, you can in fact grow your penis easily. These exercises can be performed daily, but should be performed at least 3 times a week to aid in the lengthening process.

After performing these exercises for awhile, your penis will extend longer both when your hard and when your limp. All this stretching is done quite safely and cannot hurt you in any way as long as you warm up properly, and use common sense. Stretching exercises also lengthen the skin connecting the testicles to the penis, giving you a more "hung" appearance and lower hanging and larger testicles.

In addition to penis enlargement effects, stretching exercises promote an increase in testosterone and sperm count.

Notes

• Stretching technique is designed for the main purpose of lengthening your penis. Please note that it will not do anything for the thickening aspect.

• Stretching the penis with your hand produces the same results as traditional penis weight systems. The best way to use your hand is by applying most of the pressure anywhere else except on the dorsal nerve, which is that thin nerve that runs along the top of the penis. There is nothing wrong with designing your own way of gripping your penis, as long as you know where and where not to apply the wrong pressures.

• Don't hold too tight, or you'll cut off the circulation.

• Always be warmed up thoroughly before doing any exercise.

• Be sure to always stretch while limp.

• If you find that you get an erection while trying to perform the stretch, stop for a moment and let the erection subside, then continue with the exercises.

• You do not need lubrication of any kind in this exercise. In fact, you want to be as dry as possible so you can get a good grip on the penis head.

Exercise Variations

In addition to the stretching exercises introduced in the exercises section, we would like to introduce one more variation of power stretch technique. This exercise was invented by Johan and borrows from a concept known as active isolated stretching.

The basic principle of this exercise is to test a muscles "kick-back" reflex to see how long that particular muscle takes to respond (muscles usually respond with a contraction within 1 1/2 and 2 seconds) to a strain placed on it, and get a stretch in before this "kick-back" occurs. When Johan applied this theory to his penis enlargement endeavors, this technique was born.

Steps Instructions

1. Create an overhand OK grip. Extend slowly to a medium stretch.

2. Start breathing in and stretch your penis. Hold the stretch for two seconds while inhaling.

3. Release the stretch but keep the grip while exhaling for two seconds.

4. Perform steps 2 and 3 for 75 times (5 minutes)

Jelq Technique

The key exercises in our guide are variations of the Arabic jelq technique. This technique is hundred years old, and is the most powerful penis enlargement technique know to man.

The jelq technique was reportedly first used by Arab tribesmen centuries ago as part of the passage from puberty to manhood. A symbol of masculinity and power in many cultures, a thick manly penis is an object of desire for many women and an object of envy by our less-endowed brothers.

At the point of puberty, the boy of the culture was shown by their fathers how to jelq (milk for enlargement). For 10 minutes every day, the young men jelqed their penis, and continued this exercise all the way to adulthood. Once adulthood was reached, they cut down their jelq sessions to 3 times a week to maintain their size and strength. The jelq method also resembles "milking" because of the obvious milking technique the jelq resembles.

How the Jelq Works?

Unlike anything you will ever come across, this technique will lengthen and thicken your penis. Jelq works because as you milk your penis, you are forcing blood into spaces in the Corpora Cavernosa.

As you jelq your penis, the spaces in the penis continually stretch larger and larger, breaking down the cell walls within the Corpora Cavernosa (erectile tissue). Over time, the spaces just keep getting larger and stronger, healing at night while you sleep. The technique also stretches the tissues of the penis as well as the suspensory ligament, which will help to lengthen the penis.

Notes

• The jelq technique is best performed in a semi-erect state (1/2 to 3/4 erect) Results cannot be obtained until a partial erection is present. If you have trouble achieving a partial erection, you may need to stroke yourself to a full erection and then let it subside somewhat.

• Your choice for lubrication is a crucial one, because if you choose one that evaporates easily then you will become tired of reapplying it. Your best choices for jelqing is Vaseline and Baby-Oil. We recommend Johnson's & Johnson's Baby Oil with Vitamin E added. We find that it is a good lube for exercise plus it is also nice to apply to your penis and testicles after showering to keep them healthy.

• If you feel the uncontrollable urge to ejaculate while performing jelq, you have a very weak and poorly developed ejaculatory muscle "PC.” Upon the first sign of ejaculation, stop and wait for the feeling to subside. This will also teach restriction that will help when you make love. You need to really focus on ejaculation control techniques if you cannot help but to ejaculate when jelqing.

• Jelqing requires more pressure and a tighter grip than the other penis enlargement exercises. You will want to apply pressure just to the point where you feel slight discomfort and then release very slightly so that you are gripping as firmly as you can without causing discomfort. This additional pressure is one of the primary reasons that we caution against performing it with an erect penis.

• DO NOT jelq in the shower! Most men will not stand up for the amount of time needed to have a good jelq session, and if you use soap you will be sore for days. For your sake, do not jelq in the shower and do not use soap.

Exercise Variations

In addition to the jelq exercises introduced in the exercises section, we would like to introduce one more exercise using the jelq technique. This exercise requires the constant use of two hands.

Steps Instructions

1. Massage your penis until it reaches 60-80% erection.

2. Use your left hand and make an "OK" sign with your thumb and index finger and grip tightly around the head of your penis. Exert a light stretch.

3. Using the right hand, starting from the base of the penis, slowly pull (milk) towards the penis head. It should take 2-3 seconds to reach the glans.

4. Once the right hand meets the first hand at the glans, release its grip and return the right hand to the base.

5. Repeat from step 3 to step 4. Alternate hands if needed.

6. Perform the exercise for 5 minutes.

V Stretch Technique

The V Stretch is a method of stretching designed to exert greater forces on the tunica and ligaments than is possible by simply pulling on the penis from its point of attachment out along a single axis.

When performing simple stretches, any force is exerted from the points at which the penis attaches to the body, outward along the internal structures that run the length of the penis, to the glans.

The V Stretch technique works to help increase imbalances in the stress on the penis by incorporating a secondary transverse force. A larger than normal cross sectional tension gradient is created allowing the force exerted by the hand to be more effective on a targeted area of the tunica than would be possible if the entire tunica was under equal tension.

V Stretch Theory

We all know that the stress experienced within a cord (in this case a penis) is increased as the load supported by the cord is positioned in a manner that the angles of the anchored ends approach 180 degrees. In other words, a 10 pound force suspended from a cord exerts only 10 pounds of force within the fibers of the cord. BUT anchor the cord from 2 ends and place the 10 pound mass in the center and the tension within the cord increases very greatly.

For example, we may hang from a clothes line tied to a tree branch. But if you try to hang from the same cord when it is stretched between 2 clothes line poles, it will break under your weight. The tension within the clothesline exceeds the tensile strength of the rope.

The usefulness of V stretches does not arise out of the decomposition of vector forces into component directions, but rather from the localization of the forces at the point of the bend and the increase in total pulling force by the use of two hands. This is the theory behind V Stretch technique.

Notes

• While performing the warm up for the exercises using V Stretch technique, ensure that the wrap encompasses both the penis shaft and the ligaments around the pubic bone.

• The grip should be no further back than half an inch from the coronal ridge of the glans roughly in line with the circumcision scar, it will ride forward a little as the tension increases. Uncircumcised people may find it of benefit to retract the foreskin fully before attaching the grip.

• Between stretches and at the end of a session gently shake the penis or slap it against your thigh and massage the shaft to restore blood flow.

• The level of force is an important factor. The body adapts quickly and a routine may very quickly lose its productivity. If the force applied is not great enough the body will regenerate torn fibers with bigger and stronger ones that will only make the penis harder to stretch in the future.

• If any sharp or throbbing pain is experienced at any time during the exercise stop immediately. Common sense is key, always avoid sudden and/or excessive movements.

Exercise Variations

For the sake of simplicity, the basic exercise using the V Stretch technique is introduced in the exercises section. A variation of the exercises using the technique is described below.

Steps Instructions

1. Use your right hand, creating an overhand OK grip and hold the head of the penis.

2. Extend your penis slowly to a full stretch. Hold it for 5 seconds.

3. Using the thumb of your left hand, press down in the middle of the penis. Hold for 20 seconds.

4. Release carefully your left hand.

5. Do the same as step 3. This time, press down near the base of the penis.

6. Release carefully your left hand.

7. Do the same as step 3. This time, press down near the head of the penis.

8. Perform step 1 to step 7 for 10 times (10 minutes)

A Man's Guide To Women's Health

2008-01-11T02:40:00.000-08:00

By Richard Luong | Published 09/12/2007

You've seen the cough medicine ads that brag, "recommended by Dr. Mom." No doubt about it -- in most households, Mom still handles the doctors' appointments, prescription refills, and late-night symptoms.

"Women are the health CEOs of the family," says Amy Niles, executive director of the National Women's Health Resource Center, "and it's not easy!" What happens when Dr. Mom or Dr. Wife gets sick? And how does she stay healthy?

There's a lot that today's men should know about the unique health concerns facing the women in their life. Busy women often put the health needs of their husbands, kids, and parents ahead of their own. A caring husband, father, or boyfriend can educate himself, says Niles, to help the woman he loves make time for her own health.

What She's Worried About

Quick -- name some of the diseases and health problems that solely or disproportionately affect women. If you had to stop after "breast cancer," you're probably not alone. Most guys don't realize just how many medical threats home in on women as their primary targets. Among them, in addition to breast cancer:

• cervical, ovarian, and uterine cancers;
• endometriosis (a condition in which pieces of the uterine lining grow outside the uterus, often causing painful periods and bleeding);
• osteoporosis;
• lupus and other autoimmune disorders (they affect women much more frequently than men);
• depression (affects women at two to three times the rate of men);
• multiple sclerosis (affects twice as many women as men); and
• migraine.

What's more, many men -- and women -- aren't aware that heart disease, the leading killer of men, is also the leading killer of women in the U.S., outpacing breast cancer and killing more women than men every year since 1984.

But even conditions like heart disease, which affect both men and women, affect women differently. A woman's heart attack symptoms, for example, may be markedly different from -- and subtler than -- those men are familiar with. Instead of sharp chest pains or pain radiating up the arm, she may notice shortness of breath without chest pain, unexplained fatigue, pain in her back, shoulders, neck, or jaw, or flu-like symptoms of nausea and clamminess.

Prevention Matters

For many of these conditions -- like cancers, heart disease, and osteoporosis -- we know a great deal about the kind of healthy lifestyles that can help to prevent them. But often, "Dr. Mom" is so busy caring for the health of everyone else in the family that she doesn't have time to take care of her own. Support and encouragement (not nagging or criticism) from a husband or boyfriend can provide the incentive, and most important, the time a woman needs to get to checkups, make sure she eats right, and focus on exercise.

Good nutrition, for example, is essential to preventing health problems that trouble women. That means a balanced diet focused on staying healthy, not on getting skinny -- radical diets can lead to other health problems, such as difficulty getting pregnant.

"Some women don't get enough iron in their diet, so they might tend towards anemia," says Judy Norsigian, head of the Boston Women's Health Book Collective, which publishes the renowned Our Bodies, Ourselves. "Other women don't get enough calcium. At a young age, women need to ensure that their calcium intake is sufficient, because we start losing bone density in our thirties and onward."

Exercise -- something else many busy women don't feel they have time for -- goes hand in hand with nutrition as the foundation of a healthy lifestyle. Regular exercise keeps the heart healthy, has a protective role against many cancers -- including breast cancer -- and has been found to alleviate many forms of depression. More specifically, weight-bearing exercise, like walking or running, plays a key role in preventing osteoporosis.

Despite public education, smoking is rising among young women, and studies show women may find it more difficult to quit than men do. If a woman you love smokes, backing up her efforts to quit is the best health gift you can give her--quitting smoking now will reduce her risk of pregnancy complications, early menopause, and many cancers.
It's also vital to help her make time for regular medical checkups and screening tests, such as:

• Pap smear with pelvic exam: The Pap test has been proven to prevent cervical cancer by detecting early cellular changes. It can also detect some infections. A gynecologist usually does a pelvic exam at the same time. Annual Pap smears and pelvic exams should start at age 18 (or when she becomes sexually active, if that's sooner) and continue for the rest of her life.

• Bone density test: This simple, painless test determines the bone mineral density in key regions such as the spine, hip, or wrist, to assess whether a woman's rate of bone loss puts her at risk for osteoporosis. Annual bone density tests are recommended for all women over 65, and for women under 65 with at least one risk factor, like family history or cigarette smoking.

• Breast exam: Controversy surrounds two common screening exams for breast cancer, the mammogram and the monthly breast self-exam, as recent studies have indicated that both examinations don't reduce the rate of death from breast cancer. "That doesn't mean, however, that in a particular situation a woman might not be benefited from having had a mammogram," says Norsigian. Get informed and talk about the issue with your partner.
"Offer the time and the support she needs," says Niles. "Help make sure that just as a woman is giving so much of herself to see that her husband gets to the doctor and her children get to the doctor, she gets to the doctor and doesn't ignore symptoms. Don't forget that she is important too."

How To Flirt With Women

2008-01-11T02:34:00.000-08:00

Keep flirting without getting slapped with our tips on how to flirt with women.
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Step 1:
Smell
When you are about to begin flirting with a woman you should smell fresh and recently showered - not like a dead badger.
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Step 2:
Body positions
When you are flirting with a woman don't stand too close and don't invade her personal space.
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Step 3:
Eye contact
When you are flirting with a woman you must not look at her boobs. Equally, don't start looking around the room, or at your watch. Whilst flirting make sure you are looking into her eyes.
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Step 4:
Touching
When you are flirting with a woman do not touch her anywhere intimate. Restrict touching to areas that can't be misread such as the arm.
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Step 5:
Conversation
Stick to subjects that are appropriate for flirting with a woman such as your love of samba or sensuous Italian food or her beautiful hair. Do not talk about inappropriate subjects such as your mum, your love of train sets or your ex-girlfriend.

How to Improve My Sexual Health

2008-01-11T02:26:00.000-08:00

Here are a few things that you can do to improve your penis health immediately:

• Don't use tobacco products. Besides the obvious health risks of smoking and tobacco use, studies have shown that it plays a major role in erectile and impotence problems among men.

• Drink alcohol in moderation. Not only can excessive alcohol use be hazardous to your health, but alcohol thins the blood in your body. This makes it more difficult to achieve erections and maintain proper penile health.

• Don't take recreational drugs. Aside from the potential long-term damage drugs can cause to your physical and mental health, many drugs are illegal in most countries. We recommend you strive for a "natural high" of great sex, which can be achieved through the use of our penis enlargement exercises and techniques.

• Stay active. Over time, a sedentary lifestyle can bring on a variety of health problems. Do yourself a favor and perform some type of cardiovascular exercise at least 5 times a week. This could be anything from a brisk 30 minute walk to a game of basketball with friends. Just remember, aerobic exercise improves the strength of your heart, keeps you slim and promotes the flow of oxygenated blood, all of which will significantly improve your results with penis enlargement.

• Eat healthy. Stick to a low-fat, high-fiber diet. High levels of cholesterol can actually clog the blood vessels in your penis, which could lead to impotence. Furthermore, you should include a little zinc in your diet. Foods containing zinc include lean beef, turkey, cereal, lamb, crabmeat and oysters.

• Reduce stress. Leading a happy, stress-free lifestyle will not only improve your mental health, but your physical health as well. Many well-known studies have demonstrated that the mind and body connection does exist.

• See a doctor. Having a regular physical examination or visiting the doctor when you feel sick or notice a problem is a smart way to uncover health problems early. If you haven't had a checkup within the last year, we suggest that you get one. Your overall health directly impacts your penile health.

• Have more erections. One of the best pieces of advice that we can give you (and one you probably won't have any problem with) is this: If you want to have better erections, have more erections! The tissue in your penis needs oxygen to survive. Where does it get that oxygen? From the red blood cells flowing in the blood. The more blood that circulates, the less chance of erectile dysfunction. Since blood flows to the penis at a much greater rate when you have an erection, the best way to keep the tissue in your penis properly oxygenated is by having frequent erections.

Things Girls Thinks Every Guy Should Know

2008-01-11T02:11:00.000-08:00

Things girls think every guy should know

1. Don't lie to us, we always find out.

2. We don't enjoy talking dirty as much as you enjoy listening.

3. Don't say you understand when you don't.

4. Girls are pretty, get over it.

5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what its like.

6. Saying somethig sweet might get you off the hook, doing something sweet
will always get you off the hook.

7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.

8. Size does matter.

9 We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big: we like it when you are Mr. Big.

10. A stystem in your car only impresses your homeboys.

11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a hoe.

12. Its good to be sensitive, sometimes.

13. If you did something wrong apologize.

14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.

15. We are self-consious by nature, we can't help it.

16. We are drama queens.

17. Fashion police do exist.

18. Don't ask us to give head, if you are nice you just might get it.

19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintballs or
anything else you and your friends talk about.

20. Hugs and kiss must be given at all times.

21. We don't shave our legs everyday, get over it.

22. Don't make bets about us we always find out.

23. Shave no matter how cool you think it looks we hate it.

24. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Andersons hers are fake.

25. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little
baseball with a stick so why in the hell can't you piss in the toilet and not on it?

Top ten Rules Every man should Live By.

1. Please don't talk to my breasts, you won't be meeting them.

2. If you want to control someone sleep with your remote.

3. Women always choose chocolate over men-ALWAYS

4. women are 51% love goodess and 49% bitch

5. Our sexual prefrence is NO.

6. A womens body is temple, now get on your knees and pray.

7. It's not thhe size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.

8. Remember you horny peice of dirt, girls are made of sugar,
spice and everything nice.

9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever.

10. Save your breath for your inflatable date.

Facts About Penis

2008-01-11T02:05:00.000-08:00

Facts About Penis and Penis Size
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• 85% of all men cannot have intercourse longer than 3 minutes before ejaculating, due to an underdeveloped and weak PC Muscle.

• 30 million men in the USA alone suffer from Erectile Dysfunction (Impotence)

• The majority of men have very poor blood circulation to the penis.

• By age 29, 96% of men cannot gain erections 1/5 as much as when they were 20.

• Over 98% of men would increase penis size if they know how.

• 93% of women have never achieved an orgasm during intercourse, and 76% admit that they are dissatisfied with their partners sexual performance.

• 99% of all men have a weaker, smaller and underdeveloped penis to what they could posses.

How To Boost Your Sexual Performance

2008-01-11T01:57:00.000-08:00

Penis Health and Nutrition

Your penis is not a separate entity from your body. It is part of your body. So if you are in a poor physical condition, you should not expect your penis health to be any better than the rest of your body. If you are under great stress, deprived of quality sleep and rest, suffering from an illness or are just malnourished due to a nutritionally deficient diet, you may lack the penis performance that you desire.
Penis enlargement is a gradual process that is effected by many external factors. Blood circulation in the body is an important factor, as well as dietary health and regular exercise.

Below are things that you can do for your sexual enhancement and for your success with penis enlargement.

Vitamin Supplements

We have more to say on the topic of personal health and vitamin supplements that can help improve health, penis size and vitality. One fairly easy way to help speed up the process of enlarging your penis is by supplementing your diet with a few secret ingredients. Some of these are not free, but if you want an added boost, pick them up at your drug store or wherever you can find them.

In addition to helping you with our exercises, they can also give you the sexual "fuel" that you need to perform your best when it comes time for intercourse. Gregory’s "secret" ingredients are listed below, as they were in his journal.

Daily supplements
Calcium 500mg
Iron 5mg
Magnesium 250mg
Vitamin A 100mg
Vitamin C 1000mg
Vitamin E 250mg
Vitamin B12 300mcg

These vitamins can be found in a lot of one-a-day style vitamins, and you should read the information listed on the pill bottles before choosing one that fits your supplement requirements the most closely.

Here are other two supplements that boost your sexual performance greatly:

1. L-Arginine (Amino Acid): This one is great for rock-hard erections and increased volume of ejaculate. Take 500mg daily and also 1000mg a few hours before intercourse if you want a boost in performance. Use in moderation and discontinue if you notice any side effects whatsoever.

2. Bee Pollen: This is a very good supplement to take. It is rich in vitamins, minerals, amino acids, and enzymes. Taking it will give you more frequent erections, more sexual energy, and also a bigger volume of ejaculate. Bee pollen comes in many forms, tablets, capsules, even live. If you can find the live freeze-dried forms in your health food store then purchase it, as it is the most potent.

Drugs and Other Hazards

• In terms of penis health, we find that some drugs are too dangerous even with moderate usage, such as cocaine and heroin.

• Many prescription drugs and antibiotics also may cause loss of sex drive to the point of near impotence. If you are on prescription drugs, and this is the case you should consult with your doctor, and a nutritionist and/or herbalist for a solution to your problem.

• Steroids can be very damaging to your sexual functioning in addition to the possibility of damaging your liver, kidneys and heart. Some of the side effects of steroids to the reproductive system are that you balls may shrink and you testosterone production may be significantly reduced.

• We all know that smoking cigarettes is bad for your health. But you may not know what it does to your sexual performance. When you smoke you decrease the blood and oxygen supply in your arteries and your sexual performance and firmness of your erection decreases.

• Alcohol in moderation is not bad, in fact medical studies have now shown that one drink a day may even be good for your health. We all know that too much alcohol decreases your ability to perform sexually. So once again moderation is the key.

How To Screw Her Best

2008-01-11T01:40:00.000-08:00

Thrusting Techniques

Many men just thrust in and out over and over again, or worse just put it in and pound. While some women like to be pounded on occasion or after they have warmed up with an orgasm or two, the same thing over and over again can get quite boring. Here we will present several thrusting techniques that you can apply to help your sexual partner reach orgasm. You will also learn the techniques that make her beg you for more.

Taoist 9 in 1 Technique

The Taoist 9 in 1 technique is a thrusting sequence in which you simply thrust 9 times shallow (1 to 4 inches) and 1 time deep (3 to 5 inches, but not so deep as to hit her cervix and cause pain).

Example of one set:

Shallow Deep
1 9
2 8
3 7
4 6
5 5
6 4
7 3
8 2
9 1

Then you repeat the sequence over and over again varying the speed of the thrusts. It is said that this sequence will stimulate the woman to all nine levels

The Ancient Taoists also describe nine different types of thrusts. We have endeavored to paraphrase from the overly poetic language used.

The nine type of thrusts:

1. Thrust to the left and to the right to stimulate the vaginal walls.
2. Thrust up and down rather than in and out. You have to move your whole body up and down do this in the missionary position.
3. Teasingly pull out and push back in.
4. Alternate between using deep thrusts and shallow teasing strokes.
5. Make deep and shallow strokes in steady succession.
6. Push in slowly.
7. Thrust swiftly.
8. Poise at the opening, then strike swiftly and stay inside for a few moments.
9. Rise and then plunge low.

Tease and Please Technique

In this technique you tease your partner with your penis until she is begging you to put it in her then you then you slowly enter her an inch at a time until you tease an orgasm out of her.

The Tease and Please Technique:

1. After your partner is highly aroused from foreplay, you gently rub your partner’s clitoris with the head of your penis. Every once in a while tease the opening with the head of your penis. After a few minutes of this she will be simmering with desire, but you want her boiling so keep on teasing.

2. She will ask you to put it in! DON’T PUT IT IN YET! Keep teasing and talk to her. Tell her how beautiful her pussy is. Ask her if she wants your cock inside her. Ask her how badly she wants it as you keep teasing her. After a few more minutes of this she will be on the edge of her seat and almost boiling with desire.

3. When she really can’t stand it any longer, start rubbing the opening with the head of your penis for about a minute or so. Then slide only the head in and slowly thrust in and out with only the head of your penis. She will be begging for you to put it in more!

4. Slide it in one more inch, then thrust slowly in and out but only to this same depth. Keep talking to her while you do this. Ask her if she likes your cock inside her, tell her how much you like fucking her and how good her pussy feels.

5. After a couple more minutes, slide it in one more inch and then thrust slowly in and out to this same depth.

6. Repeat step 5 until you are almost at your full length, but don’t put it all the way in until she starts having an orgasm.

7. Once she starts having an orgasm you may start thrusting more vigorously and or move on to a different technique.

Slide and Glide Technique

This technique relies on stimulating your partners clitoris with the friction and pressure from your upper pubic region (right above your pubic bone) which we will call the Friction Zone.

The technique is done in the missionary position (the most popular position - you on top). Make sure your partner is well lubricated, and we would recommend starting with the tease and please technique until you are almost all the way in and then start do this technique.

The Slide and Glide Technique:

1. In the missionary position, make sure your partner’s clitoris and upper vaginal area is well lubricated. (With her own juices, your saliva, Astroglide, Wet, etc.)

2. Ask her to spread her vaginal lips with her hands, when she does this put your penis in up to the base and rest the Friction Zone on her clitoris.

3. Put your weight on her body, and reach down and grab her ass and spread the cheeks apart.

4. Now start sliding up and down on her (not in and out, you penis should remain in completely inside her all the way to the base as you move. To do this you will need to grab her shoulders or the edge of the bed with both hands and push off with your toes as well. As you do all of this make sure that the greatest friction between you and her is where the Friction Zone and her clitoris meet. This might all sound really complicated but it is actually very easy, and after a few minutes you and her will be gliding back and forth on a sweet layer of sweat.

5. Continue until she has at least one orgasm. Keep moving and try not to break the friction.

How to Screw Her Good - A Few More Tips

1. Always tease a bit and make sure that your lover is fully aroused and lubricated before penetration.

2. Make sure your lover is highly aroused and almost coming before full penetration.

3. Thrust at different angles in the same position to stimulate all the walls of the vagina. Try riding high and low, left and right in the same position to stimulate all of her vaginal walls.

4. Try different positions, variety is the spice of life.

5. Thrust at different speeds, fast, slow, and medium.

6. Thrust hard, soft and teasingly.

7. Once in a while pull out and re-enter.

8. Try thrust in a winding circular motion going in and coming out.

9. Put you penis all the way in and slide up and down and left and right and in circles clockwise and counter-clockwise, without moving your penis in and out.

How To Delay Orgasm

2008-01-11T01:26:00.000-08:00

Now we will cover several techniques in this section that will enable you to delay and/or prevent your orgasm and prolong lovemaking for as long as you desire. Some of the techniques will work better for you than others and many can and should be used in conjunction with each other. We will start with the simplest leading to the more advanced with each technique building on the previous.

Identifying The Point of No Return

Before you can exercise orgasm delaying techniques you must be able to recognize when it is that you are going to ejaculate or, as we will call it the point of ejaculatory inevitability or the point of no return( P.O.N.R). In order to do this, you have to do some exercises so that you will be able to identify your P.O.N.R.

Exercise 1: Finding your P.O.N.R. and excitement scale

You should do this alone and without any added stimulation (Pornographic Material unless absolutely needed). You should pay attention to every nuance and subtle feeling that you will feel.

1. Start with a limp penis and begin stroking until you are hard. Notice all of the feelings you feel along the way to your P.O.N.R.

2. Give each level of excitement a number between 1-10, 1.5, 3.5, 9.5, etc.(1 being lowest or semi-hard and 10 highest and the P.O.N.R.) along the way to your P.O.N.R.

3. Try to stay at each level for about 2-3 min. Then move to the next.

4. Notice what it is that moves you to the next level i.e. the speed of your stroking, the tightness of your grip, what you are thinking etc.

5. Move slowly to each higher level as to not get carried away and ejaculate with out finding your P.O.N.R.

6. When you get to a level about 9-9.5 pay real close attention to what you are feeling. You should start to feel the seamen moving from the testicles and collecting in the prostate gland at the base of the penis.

7. If possible stop and take a deep breath and feel everything. If you can’t stop then you have passed your P.O.N.R.

8. See how close you can get, then let your self ejaculate and enjoy it!
Now that you have identified your P.O.N.R. and you can tell when you are approaching your P.O.N.R. all you need is to learn how to slow your path to orgasm which we will cover in the next section.
Now we will start exercising orgasm delaying techniques

Breathing Technique

This one is fairly simple but very powerful when combined with other techniques. That is why you are going to learn it first.
First we need to see if you know the proper way to breathe:
Put your hand on your abdomen and take a deep breath, you should feel your abdomen fill with air and your abdomen expand outward. Your shoulders should not rise. Practice breathing like this until you get it down.

When you feel that you are reaching around 7.5 or 8 on the Excitement Scale take a slow deep breath and hold it for a few seconds until the urge to ejaculate subsides. Continue slow deep breathing until your level on the Excitement Scale drops a few points.

Warning: Don’t hold your breath too long you don’t want to get dizzy or pass out!
This technique may or may not work for you depending on how close to your P.O.N.R. you are, but is very powerful when used in combination with the following techniques.

Stop Technique

When you feel that you are getting too close to your point of no return, just stop what ever it is you are doing. Take a deep breath and just wait 20-60 seconds before you resume any form of stimulation.

Once you feel that your arousal has dropped a few points on your excitement scale you then can resume stimulation. The key to making this work is to really stop. If you are with a lover you maybe concerned that you will look silly or deprive her of her pleasure.

If you use finesse you will be able apply this technique properly without either of the two happening. The key to doing this is not to let your lover feel isolated during your break.

Scenario A: Let’s say your lover is going down on you and you are getting close to your P.O.N.R. and you haven’t had intercourse yet.

A few ways to handle this are as follows:

• Say “Baby, that feels so good, but I don’t want to come yet! Could you stop for a few seconds!” Most women would be very happy to help you out, especially if your are with a steady lover.

• Say “Oh, you are so good! Come here!” and pull her up, take a deep breath and kiss her passionately during the 30 seconds or so...This will only turn her on more and still give the break you needed...Then you can gently guide her back down there or move on to another activity. If you need even more of break you could suck on her nipples or go down her...

• Pull her up and say “My Turn!” and go down on her while you take your needed break. Very few women will argue with this request!

Scenario B: You are having intercourse and you can tell that it won’t be long before you reach your P.O.N.R.

A few ways to handle this are as follows:

• Say “Baby, your pussy feels so good, but I don’t want to come yet!” Stop, pull out, take a slow deep breath (If just stopping without pulling out works for you then it is great. But many times it won’t be enough, also she may keep moving especially if she is on top) and take a break. Most women are very happy to help you out, especially if your are with a steady lover. WARNING: If your lover is screaming “Don’t stop! I’m about to come”, this is not the time for this technique, even if you want to last past her orgasm.

• Stop, take a deep breath and, change positions. This will only work if you have been in one position for awhile. Also the best position to move to is her favorite, unless this was it! Then you might not want to change.

• Pull out, take a deep breath, tell her how pretty her pussy is or how much you love her pussy, go down and kiss her or her pussy a few times, while you take a break.

• Pull out, take deep breath, slide the shaft of your penis over her clitoris with a thrusting motion, and rub her clitoris with the head of your penis and/or playfully slap and tease her pussy with your penis, while you say something like “You like being naughty don’t you, I love your naughty little pussy!” or some other verbiage that you come up with... Be creative!

Breathing and Stop Technique

Exercise 2: Breathing and Stop Technique

1. Start with a limp penis and begin stroking until you are hard. Notice all of the feelings you feel along the way to your P.O.N.R.

2. Give each level of excitement a number between 1-10, 1.5, 3.5, 9.5, etc.(1 being lowest or semi-hard and 10 highest and the P.O.N.R.) along the way to your P.O.N.R.

3. Try to stay at each level for about 2-3 min. Then move to the next.

4. Notice what it is that moves you to the next level i.e. the speed of your stroking, the tightness of your grip, what you are thinking etc.

5. Move slowly to each higher level as to not get carried away and ejaculate with out trying the technique.

6. When you get to a level of about 6.5 apply the technique:

 Stop, take your hand off of your penis, take a deep breath and hold for a few seconds, slowly let the breath out and relax as your excitement level drops a few point on the scale. Pay very close attention to what you are feeling as this happens. Start stimulating yourself again and repeat the above technique at levels 7.5, 8.5, 9.5.
 See how close you can get each time, then let your self ejaculate and enjoy it!

Squeeze Technique

The squeeze technique is just what it sounds like you squeeze your penis with your hand. When feel like you are getting near your P.O.N.R. you do the squeeze in combination with the previous breathing and stop technique.

The Squeeze Technique:

• When you feel close to your P.O.N.R., stop, pull out, take a deep breath and squeeze your penis hard with your thumb and first two fingers for several seconds. After your excitement level drops a few points you may resume intercourse. The squeeze should be applied either with the first two fingers (this is a flat grip the fingers and thumb do not meet.) just below the head of the penis.

• Another variation is to squeeze your penis at the base instead of just below. This can be done in the same manner described above or by gripping the penis in a ring manner with the thumb and index finger. Try both and see which works best for you. You may also be able to use the last variation of griping the penis at the base without having to pull out, and simply just stopping, taking a deep breath and applying the squeeze to the base of the penis and waiting till the urge to ejaculate subsides.

Focus Control Technique

These techniques are more mental than physical and since the mind is the greatest sex organ these techniques are very powerful when combined with the ones above.
These techniques work in the way that you direct your attention away from your orgasm and onto other sensations, and at the same time keep you fully present in the sexual experience.

1. Change your focus of goal:
This is the easiest of the focus control techniques. It is more an attitude than a specific technique.

Change your focus and goal from having an orgasm and ejaculation to enjoying and taking in the whole sexual experience: the smell of her hair, the feel of her skin, the way she tastes, etc...
By taking the focus off of ejaculation and putting it on the whole experience, everything you do does not lead to ejaculating, but to enjoying.

2. Change your focus of physical sensation:

In this one what you do is to take your attention off of your penis and place them on another part of your body. When you get to a high level of excitement, shift you attention from what you are feeling in your genitals to what the rest of your body is feeling. Feel what your hands feel, feel what your skin feels.

3. Change your focus on the external stimuli of your lover:

Many times what drives you past the point of no return is not just something that you are feeling but also what you are seeing and hearing and what your focus is on.
For instance maybe you can last without a problem until you lover starts to moan and scream, and when your hear how excited she is it throws you past the your P.O.N.R. Or maybe it’s when you see her beautiful full breasts hanging down while you are thrusting into her from behind or any number of things.

The point is to identify what it is that drives you past your P.O.N.R. and then change you focus to something else about your lover.

Many men change their focus to sport scores or something that turns them off, we personally don’t think that you should think of something that you find distasteful or negative to delay your ejaculation as you may accidentally create an association between the two. If you feel that this form of detachment may help you, change your focus to anything pleasant that is non-sexual in nature instead.

However, we feel that it is better not to remove yourself from your present sexual experience with your lover. It would be preferable to change your focus to how much you love or care about her, how beautiful she looks, how amazing the experience is, take in the whole experience the ambiance, the mood, feel the sheets etc. Just change you focus to anything that is present except the stimulus that drives you over the edge.

How To Control Ejaculation

2008-01-11T01:15:00.000-08:00

Ejaculation Control Technique

It is a sad but true fact that 85% of all men cannot have intercourse longer than 3 minutes before ejaculating, due to an underdeveloped and weak PC muscle. You may not know that your PC muscle can be strengthened to the point that you can use it to prevent yourself from ejaculating.

With enough strengthening of the PC muscle and practice, you can better control the occurrence, duration, and strength of your orgasm.

Having a weak PC muscle causes weak erections, weak ejaculations, impotence and premature ejaculation. Therefore, controlling ejaculation is in fact a matter of developing stronger PC muscle.

What Is the PC Muscle?

The PC muscle (or pubococcygeal muscle) is actually a group of pelvic muscles which form the basis for your sexual health. These muscles run from the pubic bone in the front of the body to the tailbone in the back. You can feel this muscle at your perenium (the area just behind your testicles) and in front of your anus, close to the prostate gland.

In addition to controlling urination with other pelvic muscles, the PC muscle is what helps bring a man or woman to climax. Strengthening and learning to control the PC muscle is the true secret to better sex and penile health.

Most women have already been using their PC muscles for years (whether they realize it or not) in order to help them get sexually aroused easier, lubricate faster, and achieve orgasm.

There are a few ways in which you can locate your PC muscle:

1. Suck your thumb and flex the pelvic muscle which makes your erect penis move (without the use of your hands). With your other hand, find the location of the muscle based on your muscle contractions.

2. Another way to locate the PC muscle is to stop your urine flow midstream while you urinate. The muscle used to stop your urine flow is actually the PC muscle. This method not only teaches you how to find the PC muscle, but is also a great beginner's exercise. Stop and restart your urine stream at least 5 times during every trip to the restroom in order to develop strength.

3. The next method for locating your PC muscle may not be for everyone; however, we will mention it anyway. After lubrication, insert your forefinger or middle finger into your rectum and try to contract your PC muscle. You will know that you're doing it properly when your finger feels pressure from the anus contracting. When using this method, always keep your other muscles (thigh, back and abdominal) as relaxed as possible.

Once you are able to locate your PC muscle and understand how to flex it, you can begin performing our PC Exercises throughout your day.

PC Exercises for Beginners

The following exercises are simple, effective and very easy to do. These exercises will allow you to build up your PC muscle strength before tackling our intermediate exercises.

Beginner PC Exercise I: Urine Flow Pause

Every time you go to the restroom and begin to urinate, stop your urine stream midway and hold it in for as long as you can. Then release, allowing your urine stream to flow freely once again. Repeat several times (at least 5) during each visit to the restroom.

Beginner PC Exercise II: Quick Clenches

Quickly clench and unclench your PC muscle for a 10 second period - then take a 10 second break. Repeat 3 times.

Note: Each clench may last only a second or less. Just do as many clenches as you can in a 10 second period of time, then stop.

Perform three sets of 10 second clenches, then take a 30 second break. Perform (3) 30 second intervals each day. If you are unable to do this many clenches, do as many as you can before your muscle tires out. Each day, strive to do more clenches than the day before.

Most beginners are unable to hold a clench for more than 1 or 2 seconds, so this is a great way to effectively build strength for future exercises which require a longer hold.

Beginner PC Exercise III: Penis Lifts

In a seated or lying position, attempt to move/lift your penis by flexing your PC muscles. If you are naked, you should see the penis move in some way (most noticeable in semi-erect or fully erect states). However, you do not need to be naked in order to perform this exercise and you do not need to have an erection.

Whether you're sitting at home or at work, you can perform this exercise simply by flexing your PC muscles, which will cause your penis to move (or attempt to move).

Try to hold the flex for as long as you can each time. Repeat this exercise throughout the day, every single day, as often as you like.

Intermediate PC Exercises

Once you've acquired an adequate amount of strength in your PC muscles, you can step up to our Intermediate PC Exercises. These exercises are guaranteed to take you to the next level of PC strength and sexual improvement.

Intermediate PC Exercise I: Basic PC Squeezes

Gradually tighten your PC muscles over a count of five. Then, hold these muscles tight for a count of five and then slowly release them for a count of five to complete the rep (that's a total of 15 seconds per rep).

Begin with 10 reps per day and gradually increase to as many as 50 reps per day.

Once you are capable of doing the 50 rep routine, you can scale down your workout. While you want to exercise your PC regularly, you can shift to a maintenance plan. Your maintenance program may consist of 20 reps, 1 - 2 times each day. If at any point sexual enjoyment or your erection strength begins to subside, resume the 50 rep exercise.

Remember, you can perform these exercises while watching TV, going to the bathroom or driving to work, so squeeze them in whenever you get a chance.

PC Exercise II: Short Squeezes

This exercise is similar to Intermediate PC Exercise I; however, you are focusing on shorter, quicker squeezes. Rather than holding the squeeze for a count of 5 each time, hold for a count of 2 (for a total of 6 seconds per rep).

Begin with 20 reps per day and gradually increase to as many as 100 reps per day.

PC Exercise III: Long, Slow Squeezes

Warm up with a set of 30 short squeezes (1 - 2 seconds each), then tighten as hard and as deeply as you possibly can. When you cannot squeeze any deeper, hold where you are for 20 seconds. Rest for 30 seconds. Repeat 5 times.

After 4 - 6 weeks of daily exercising, you should be able to do this squeeze and hold exercise for at least 1 - 2 minutes at a time, perhaps longer.

This particular exercise will give you absolute rock hard erections and the control to last as long as you want in bed.

Eventually, work your way up to 10 sets of 2 minute long holds. It may sound like a lot now, but you'll be amazed at how quickly you can build up to that level of strength.

PC Exercise IV: The PC Step Workout

This exercise simply involves tightening and relaxing your PC muscle in short steps, or increments.

Begin to tighten your PC, hold, then tighten more, hold, a little more, hold, then tighten all that you possibly can and hold. Hold this for 20 seconds, then relax a little bit, hold, relax a little bit more, hold, relax a little more, hold, then finally release the rest.

Do this 5 times without resting in between reps.

Advanced PC Exercises

Once you've mastered the intermediate exercises, you may want to give our Advanced PC Exercises a try. These exercises will make your PC muscles so strong that the Incredible Hulk will be jealous of you.

Advanced PC Exercise I: The PC Burn

Begin to tighten your PC muscle very slowly. Tighten so slowly that it takes 3 minutes to completely tighten the muscle.
At some point, you will feel that you can no longer tighten your PC, but keep going. Go beyond where you think you can go. Keep tightening until your PC begins to burn.
Hold very tightly at that point, and breathe very slowly and deeply for 30 seconds. At the end of 30 seconds, tighten your PC even more, continually trying to push yourself.
When the burning becomes uncomfortable, release your hold and immediately do 20 PC squeezes. Perform this exercise once daily.
Advanced PC Exercise II: The PC Pressure Flex

This exercise must be done in private, as it is not as inconspicuous as our other PC exercises.

1. You will need an erection for this exercise; however, a lubricant is not required unless you need it to stroke yourself to an erection.

2. Once you have a full erection, grasp your penis midway up the shaft. Use your whole hand, gripping with all fingers. Flex your PC muscle and hold for approximately two seconds. Apply medium, constant pressure to your penis with your gripping hand. You will feel some resistance, since you are containing the blood in the penis. Your penis will also want to rise, but keep it in one place. You are applying pressure against both functions of the PC muscle - blood movement and erection rigidity.

3. Begin with a set of ten repetitions. This should take approximately 30 seconds to 1 minute, depending on how long you pause between flexes. Do as many sets of ten as you can until you can no longer flex against resistance.

4. Gradually work your way up to more and more repetitions. If you feel like you're ready for a new challenge, you may want to apply more pressure downwards (not squeezing harder, but pushing down against your PC muscle). The advanced PC exercise should not take more than 3 to 5 minutes total. Perform once daily. You can alternate this daily exercise with the PC Burn if you like, or perform both exercises each day.

How To Behave After Sex

2008-01-10T05:11:00.000-08:00

Avoid ruining your post-coital bliss through poor bedroom etiquette with VideoJug's guide to how to behave after sex.
________________________________________
Step 1:
Advice for him
You may feel that you have expressed yourself quite enough,

perhaps you have expressed yourself a number of times, and feel spent.

But it's essential you stay awake for long enough to make her feel loved.

You may have to fight the urge to sleep, but remember now it's time for her to unload all over you.

Speed up the process by making encouraging noises and agreeing to everything she says.

The Past Master of this was Marlon Brando,

who put his incredible success with women down to the pose of propping himself up on his elbow,

which made him look interested in whatever the lady had to say-

even if he was actually falling asleep.
________________________________________
Step 2:
Advice for her
Be aware that he will be exhausted - after all you gave him more love than he could cope with.

So try and keep your hopes and dreams for the future to a minimum.

And certainly don't expand into more mundane issues, like household chores, work gossip

or whatever was on your mind while you were expressing your love.

And if it had been instigated as a way of diffusing an argument or row,

it is very important to avoid bringing up the argument again,

especially as his defences are now down- and it would be too easy.
________________________________________
Step 3:
Advice for both of you
If you've managed to avoid upsetting each other so far, don't ruin everything by marking your partner's performance on a range of factors such as

skill, effort, creativity and attendance.

Never compare this performance to anyone or anything else.

And don't fart loudly,

do a victory dance,

or leave.

How Can I Tell If She is Attracted To Me

2008-01-10T05:01:00.000-08:00

VideoJug: How Can I Tell If She Is Attracted To Me?

How To Make the First Move

2008-01-10T04:56:00.000-08:00

VideoJug: How To Make The First Move

Internet Gaming and Chatting Addiction

2008-01-10T03:42:00.000-08:00

Gambling Addiction

2008-01-10T03:23:00.000-08:00

Dr. Marc Kern
Addiction Expert, Director of Addiction Alternatives
Dr. Marc Kern is the founder of Addiction Alternatives, a California based practice in which he works with a variety of addictions. A proponent of Harm Reduction, Dr. Kern blends his own personal history of alcohol and drug problems and nearly 30 years of experience treating addictions. Today, through his books, "Take Control Now" and "Responsible Drinking", and his speeches to peers and other professionals, Dr. Kern teaches people that addiction is not a life sentence.

How big of a problem is gambling addiction?

Gambling addiction takes many forms. It is a very broad addiction, if you'd like to call it that, because it manifests itself in so many ways. Gambling could be everything from the very overt: you go into Las Vegas or Reno or whatever, spending your money. But it's also the stock markets. It's also back of the schoolyard. It's any place where there's sort of a game of sorts being played, or the Internet, or business, are all sort of forms of gambling. It's pervasive. And, our society, and all these lotteries, is sort of endorsing that idea of, "Splash! Win the lottery! Invest your money in this direction." So gambling is very broad, and it's not as specific as, generally, we think of it.

Is playing the stock market as addictive as betting on horses?

Some gambling occurs at the local liquor store or Seven-Eleven, like the little scratches. Have you ever seen anybody standing at the counter, scribbling off? For a few fleeting moments there's excitement, exhilaration, hope, and optimism. It's not that far from somebody who is investing high numbers on a risky investment, or someone who is in Las Vegas, or someone sitting at a poker table every Saturday night. There's that physiological excitement and optimism and hope that draws the individual into it over and over and over again. Some people have a stronger leaning; some people have had some substantial positive experiences, and they go back because it feels good; because there's hope and there's optimism versus going home to maybe an empty household where's there's no love or no warm feelings.

What is the difference between a pathological gambler and a problem gambler?

Pathological versus problem gambler is a matter of degree. I think we all involve ourselves in some sort of gambling, whether it's the lottery, the Super Bowl, or betting in the office. But, it is exactly what the words imply. Does someone spend too much time preoccupied with a gambling activity versus a pathological or excessive amount of time involved with gambling activity? All these behaviors that we call an addiction really do exist in virtually all of us, but only to a certain degree.

What is the "end point" in gambling behavioral addiction?

The end point in gambling behavioral addiction is when the individual is unable to discontinue despite his best attempts, and that's usually due to some of the things we talked about. But also, I feel like we should mention that as someone gets further involved in any of these activities, there are biological, neuro-chemical changes going on in their brain. I.e. what is a feeling? That is nothing more than an electrical charge of a neuro transmitter. It's important to understand that when we ask people to stop, it's partly difficult because our chemistry set upstairs has been reoriented, and this causes the gambling behavioral addiction.

What causes addictive gambling?

There is no one hundred percent consensus on what causes it, but we can draw some very powerful generalities here that seem to go across everybody's idea of what addictive gambling is. Of course, there's probably a propensity for the individual to be impulsive and to like to receive rather quick feedback and rewards system. When you go into a casino or sit in front of a slot machine and you get reinforced, then you're going to start anticipating money coming your way. Now, there are several types of learning. One type of learning is if you went into a casino or something and you won every single time and then all of a sudden you stopped winning and you kept on losing you would walk away from that slot machine because you would say well I was winning then and I'm not winning now, there's no reason to continue or to hope for a turn of events. There's another sort of learning where every time you went to the slot machines and you put in coins and you never won, well chances are you won't become addicted. What happens over time and the casinos are very, very aware of it's called variable reinforcement. This is just another form of learning where they purposely make the slot machines pay out a certain percentage of the time. So you don't know how often, when that next pay off is going to come. The more they can teach you or you can learn that you cannot predict the pattern of when you're going to when to win or know when to pull out and take your money the better for them. So you're going to stay there and stay on until some point when you have to leave because you've been taught if you just hang in there that slot machine that card game will eventually pay off. That's a form of learning people who have come to become gamblers have become hooked by this variable reinforcement principle where they don't know when the next win is going to come yet they're anticipating it, they're salivating waiting for the reward.

When addicted gamblers are losing, do they actually believe they'll win?

It's my belief that they really do believe they're going to win and they continue to go to the tables in hopes that they will win because there's no longer any background for them to fall back on. There's no way of backing away from the table because they've undermined their pocketbook sometimes before. But also they believe they're going to win because its been taught to them that if you play the slots long enough, if you play the tables long enough, if you play the video game long enough it's eventually going to happen. It's not like everytime they went there they won or everytime they went to the table they lost. They've been taught week over weeks over months, you stay with it long enough you will eventually win. It's the nature of what the casinos have designed in the exchange and the re-enforcement.

Why is alcohol abuse often linked to compulsive gambling?

Alcohol abuse and gambling seem to go hand in hand. There are a variety of theories and models of why that happens to be. Of course there is again that personality propensity; I want to feel good, alcohol works efficiently, effectively, predictably every single time. Gambling seems also to be more of what I call to be a high arousal form of addiction like sort of amusement parks or other things. Gambling stimulates us, it gets us excited. And what is alcohol? Alcohol is sort of a sedative, so alcohol sort of helps us fine tune ourselves at the gambling table. It also, in Las Vegas, helps the casinos and interferes with judgment. But in my understanding it's mostly about this balancing act that the individual is trying to accomplish.

Is there a drug that can stop compulsive gambling?

There is nothing in the United States anyway that was designed specifically for gambling. There is no drug out on the market specifically for gambling. There are a number of drugs particularly Naltrexone, in the two forms of it, that seems to have a positive effect of decreasing gambling. It basically works in two different ways. One is, if you, you have less craving towards the involvement in the gambling activity, and two, should you gambling, you're going to get less reinforcement. It seems to dampen the reinforcement. We are not substituting opium or another alternative way of feeling good about themselves with a pathological gambling what we're trying to do is to mitigate neurological imbalances that has evolved as function of a constant repetition of a behavior such as gambling.

Who develops a behavioral addiction to gambling?

People seem to gravitate toward gambling primarily, at least as I would understand it, because of more sociological forces than any other. If you're someone who comes from a family where money is tight, or the community does not support gambling, well, chances are you're not gonna lean in that direction. If, on the other hand, maybe you come from as Asian community, or some society that endorses and looks up to a gambler, chances are you're going to find gambling as a potential addictive behavior versus another addictive behavior where that behavior is not as easily endorsed. The selection of the addiction of choice is a very, very interesting topic. And I believe that beyond the social and the exposure, you know, let's, again, let's say mom or dad had a poker game out in the living room every Saturday. Well, there's a greater likelihood you're going to try that one versus another one. But then there's also what I call the "high arousal addictions" and the "low arousal addictions." "High arousal addictions" are like gambling. And most of the behavioral ones are "high arousal." In other words, the addiction itself does not give me necessarily a feeling of calm like you might expect, but rather exhilaration and fun and optimism. And some people, from birth, seem to lean toward liking that sensation of high adrenalin, high stimulation more than others.

Does exposure to a potentially addictive behavior make you immune to its effects?

In general I would say that a child's early social environment has a powerful potential of fostering addiction, and in particular, a particular type of addiction. However, I'm not 100% sure if it's an exact portal. For example, just because your father worked at the track doesn't mean you're going to have a horse racing addiction. In fact, you might look at horse racing more normally than someone who comes off the street and just pays a few bucks to get into the track. It's not quite that simple, it's more about the exposure; did Dad, Mum, Uncle, or Aunt show you in some way that this thing was ok to get overly involved with, or on the other side did your models show that moderation on these things was the right thing. I even support the idea that societies and cultures that support moderation for example, in alcohol, probably have less alcoholism than societies that support abstinence or excess. It's a social-psychological force that influences the individual.

Is behavioral addiction a way of thinking, or a symptom of depression?

Addiction is both and more. I think addiction is both an expression of certain beliefs, attitudes, and values that you grow up with. I also see addiction as a means of mitigating certain emptinesses that we have inside; loneliness, and boredom's a big one in addictions to video games and sex addictions, and things like that. There are few healthy ways of satiating, working with those addictions. So yes, it's both a filler-upper, and a form of ways of looking at things. Very important though, is was there a big expositive experience early on with that particular addiction? Is there an inner sensation of competence, of being powerful in the early involvement with that particular activity?

Will compulsive gamblers eventually turn to crime?

Crime, in all the addictions we're talking about and in particular in gambling, is definitely an end point. It is definitely the default, the bottom line when all else fails and you've dug yourself a deep hole financially and there's no other option. That doesn't mean that there aren't certain people who grow up in environments where crime is more rampant, where it goes the other direction. But most people do not turn to crime to support their habit. But at some point, when you've dug yourself a deep enough hole and it looks really hard to get out, you're going to do whatever it takes to remedy it. People say they don't understand why they do this. It doesn't make any sense. They've lost all this money. That doesn't make sense. What they're implying is they're talking to the individual from the thinking standpoint. But what's happening is now no longer up here. It's down here in the heart. They're trying to make themselves feel good. It has nothing to do with the logic of thinking morally. It's not a thinking process at that point. It's all about more of an basic animal need to feel okay again.

Are there different types of problem gamblers?

Yes there are very much different types of gamblers and differerent ways of manifesting the gambling behavior. As we spoke about, the stock market, scratching something or the lotto, but the experience of what it brings to a true gambler or a true addict is fundamentally the same. It is a sense of optimism and power and avoiding uncomfortable feelings and distracting them from perhaps loneliness or something like that . Are you a corporate tycoon or somebody in a poker chair? It may look different but inside it's somewhat the same in terms of problem gambling.
Do I need to worry about my teenager's gambling?
Absolutely you have to worry about your teenager's gambling. Absolutely! Our society is endorsing gambling like nobody's business. Every state has a new lottery system. Everybody is trying to finance their latest highway project with another form of gambling. We are passing on to our youth, through the media, that it's okay to go out for the quick fix, the instant win. The mechanics of our high tech world support this whole concept. Google something and you can have what you want and it very much is being filtered down to our youth. It's going to be interesting to see how they handle it, because no one is educating people about gambling and there's even a sort of quiet denial by our society that we're even doing these things to our youth. So yes, I would be worried about your teenager's gambling.

What are the signs of compulsive gambling?

When a full-blown compulsive gambling addiction is present, it's pretty obvious. Outsiders can see that there's a preoccupation with the attainment of money to go play a particular game, fantasizing about the outcome, a lack of other normative behaviors or a discounting of other normal behaviors. It's more important to see the subtler pre-addiction symptoms developing in the individual, the potential gambling addict. It's a gradual increase, a little bit more here, a little bit more there. Spending all their leisure time involved in gambling activities, or spending more time associating with people who involve themselves in the same activities. Once the gambling addiction is present in an individual, it's almost too obvious. You can't miss it.

What does "normative" mean with regard to behavioral addiction?

Normative behavior means just what sort of behavior we think of as 'what everyone around the block here or around where you live, does.' Every community has a different normative behaviors and of course if you live with a normative community where drinking or gambling or spending is normative, there is a greater likelihood that you will engage in it.

What should I do if I see signs of gambling addiction in myself?

The first thing if you see signs of gambling addiction in yourself is not to deny it. Don't just pretend that the addiction not there. You don't have to run to a therapist today. You don't have to go to a GA meeting for your addiction tomorrow. You don't have to go on medication next week. But if it's happening, watch it. If you want to curb it, you're in good shape if you own it and you see it. If anything, track your gambling problem if you start seeing it in yourself. Make a little chart for yourself. How often do you think about gambling, how much money are you spending on it. And watch objectively without moral condemnation. Is it going up? Is it stable? Or is it going down? If you see it continuing over the course of years and continuing to escalate then we're in a different ball park.

What kind of help is available for gambling addicts?

There's not a lot out there for gamblers. There are surprisingly few treatment centers in the United States that specialize in gambling. There are very few professionals, such as myself, who specialize in gambling and to be fully honest my experience with gamblers, even personally, hasn't been so hot. Gamblers are notoriously difficult clients to treat. They tend to be often impulsive, tend to have little patience and the addiction often has a hold on them. Of course there's Gambler's Anonymous, GA, but beyond that there are virtually no self-help support groupsI'd like to recommend Smart Recovery for those of you who'd like to try a cognative approach to gambling, It doesn't specialize, per se in gambling, but the tools are the same for gambling as for alcohol and drug and will be welcome in a Smart Recovery meeting.

Can gambling addiction be cured?

We have to define what a cure for a gambling addiction is. Can an addicted individual evolve to a place where gambling no longer has the emotional tie, the compulsive and obsessive attraction. Absolutely, without a doubt, it happens all the time. People are able to self-cure. But the reality is that we never really are cured from alcoholism or gambling, because what we have with all these, is something learned. For example, no one is born with a gambling addition, they practiced and then they practiced some more and over the course of time the person has built neurological pathways in their brain that were not there when they were born. So, over the years, these pathways get stronger and stronger and now they've decided not to gamble anymore. Does that mean that that neurological circuitry that they've self-developed goes away? No, it's like a freeway that's always going to be there. We can develop ways from getting from point A to point B anew. We can develop a new freeway to make ourselves feel good. We can develop ways to avoid going down that old path called gambling, but can we ever eliminate it? I don't think so.

Who becomes addicted to online gambling?

What we have now is modern technology bringing about an availability of reinforcement, a feeling good, a reward instantaneously. It's seductive. Let's say you have an hour to burn and you are bored. You could log on and gamble. It's like having the slot machines at the airport where you're trying to kill an hour and you start playing and you start winning. Gambling is now inside the home. It's now inside your private space. No one knows about it. No one sees it. And you can sort of get seduced and sort of say, “Well, this is sort of fun, and it keeps my mind occupied. It feels good, and why not?”

Cybersex, Pornography and Addiction

2008-01-10T03:13:00.000-08:00

Truth about Penis Enhancement

2008-01-10T03:09:00.000-08:00

Andropause or Male Menopause

2008-01-10T03:04:00.000-08:00

Dr. Philip Werthman, FACS
Director, Center for Male Reproductive Medicine
Summary: Dr. Philip Werthman is the most recognized vasectomy reversal surgeon and male fertility specialist in the world. After serving as the chief of urology at Century City Hospital, Dr. Werthman founded the Center for Male Reproductive Medicine and Vasectomy Reversal. Dr. Werthman has lectured around the globe, written numerous books and articles and is a clinical assistant professor of Urology at USC School of Medicine.

What is "andropause"?

Andropause is the name we give to what is commonly known as male menopause, or the male biological clock. As men get older, their level of testosterone decreases. Their level of sperm decreases. It probably reaches a peek in the teens and early twenties and then in the late twenties or early thirties, there is a gradual decline in the level of testosterone and testicular function. So as men experience this decrease in testosterone, they start undergoing some changes such as decreased desire, decreased drive, decreased lean body mass, decreased energy, decreased ability to focus, lack of mental concentration that go on with normal ageing.

Do all men experience andropause?

Andropause is experienced by different men to different degrees. I have met young men in their thirties who have a drop in their testosterone level as they've gotten older and I've seen men in their seventies and eighties who have absolutely no drop in their testosterone, they're vigorous, they're vital. Those are usually men who take very good care of themselves, who exercise regularly, who continue to work. So while all women experience menopause by the age of 45 to 50, not all men will experience andropause.

How is andropause treated?

Andropause is treated by replacing the male hormones that are now low. And that usually means giving testosterone supplementation. This can be done through a shot of testosterone on a monthly basis. It can be done through a patch that goes on the skin. It can be done through creams or jells that are applied to the hands. It's important for men to know that if they want to have children in the future, they can't take testosterone on a long term basis because it will lower their sperm counts. For those men, there are other ways of increasing testosterone. There are taking shots of the precursor to testosterone, HCG. And that causes the testicle to make more testosterone. There are also other ways of doing this using pills, although those are not really great for long term treatment of this problem.

What are symptoms of andropause?

The symptoms of andropause vary, but the most concerning to men is a symptom of descreased sex drive -- a low libido. It can also result in problems with erection. It can cause depression. It can be a lack of energy or a lack of a sense of well-being. Andropause can be lack of mental acuity or inability to focus at work or doing difficult tasks. So all these things can be due to low testosterone. It can also manifest as low lean muscle mass, or men can put on weight in the midsection and decrease their lean muscle mass in their upper body. This will happen as men go through andropause.